My Brother Is Dying

[goingonhope]

Jadebear, I am having a terribly difficult time posting here right now. First an interruption here and then lost my post, and going a bit bonkers without any cigg's. Anyhow, had to abandon the computer and hideout, or else my entire day would've been lost to anothers ideas and plans for it.

I just really want to say that there are different aspects within each person. And, I hear you sharing different aspects of your pain regarding your feelings toward your siblings sufferings and then your pain towards your brother having suffered and now dying, as well as, your feelings toward your suffering. This is very much all understandably. Normal!

It’s as if you’re going to need to assign for yourself an approximate age to each of the aspects of your pain that is now requesting differing directions for you to proceed in.

One of these aspects I’m pretty sure is the real you. And, the viewpoint of any others more so simply a part of you. I’d love to see you choose and follow through with what the real you is Now saying.

And, perhaps comfort that part of you that understandably is in pain and wants your attention now, but not feel you must follow through with the direction it would prefer to send you in.

Which aspect is the real (present-time) you, …..take it’s advice and you won’t go wrong.

When I take too seriously and follow through with the varied advice and directions of the many aspects of my pain (all only a part of my suffering), I too often overlook the real me and neglect to make my own choices and follow my own direction.

The messages/voices/viewpoints that the different aspects of suffering offers out sometimes, can put me into a state of utter confusion, turmoil and at loss.

In therapy, I’m being told and reminded to identify the real (now) person that I am and do what she thinks and feels is right. I hope you’re able to do so as well Jadebear.

I am so sorry you're struggling and about your brother.

((Hugs))

Hope

 

[Jade-]

Just wanted to acknowledge your replies CB and Hope.....thanks for sharing your thoughts. I really just don't know what to say/think about this subject anymore, so I'm going to push it out of my mind for a day or two.(hopefully)

 

[bluecat]

Hi Jadebear,

I hope you're taking it easy and giving yourself a break to recover from the shock of the news. I don't know your and your brother's relationship, so what I say might not have any relevance for you, but I figured I'd share it for a case you find anything useful there.

I was very angry with my grandmother for years, she was the person that abused my father who in turn abused me and my sisters and mother and she also did some bad things to me in person. She got ill two years ago and I didn't know what to do either. I knew she wanted to talk to me, my sisters told me, but I didn't want to call her, I did not want her to blackmail me emotionally into caving in and telling her that nothing happened between us and that it was all forgiven and that I love her, because I did not. She never even admitted what she did, let alone apologize and I didn't feel that I had it in me to forgive her.

But in the end, all she wanted to do was say goodbye. I was angry with the person she once was, the person who hurt me and my family, but at that point she was just an old dying woman. I felt sorry for her. I called her, she couldn't talk much, but she was happy that I called and we said our goodbyes. She died a few hours later.

You know, I was relieved and grateful that I did make that call and that it was in time. It would have eaten at me if I didn't. This way I could make peace with it and close that chapter of my life. It was a relief when she went for many reasons, but it was also a relief for me that I was able to give her some compassion.

From the way you describe it with your emotions flipping between memories of your brother's abuse an feelings that you don't want him to die without your forgiveness, it sounds like you would like to reach some resolution. Its all really shocking and sudden right now, but you don't have to know what to do or make a decision right away. I believe you will sort things out and then do what you can live with, you're already working on that in your posts. This must be insanely triggering, I don't think anyone could take it all in right away. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Hugs and take care,
Bluecat

 

[Nicolette]

I haven't read this thread Jadebear however, based on the title, my thoughts are with you.

 

[seedling]

I think you may be able to seperate your lasting feelings about the past from your need to express forgiveness in the present. Be good to yourself now and take care.

 

[eyebiter]

So sorry to hear of your brothers troubles... all we can do is know that he is going to a better place. Stay strong {HUGGS}

 

[Jade-]

I can't even talk to my brother because I can't seem to be able to catch him when he's sober enough to carry on a f*cking conversation.

I'm just so frustrated with the whole thing. He won't take his meds because they make him too sick. He won't stop drinking because,as he says, what's the point.(I agree).......

I'm frustrated!

 

[Nicolette]

I hear your frustration Jadebear. Sounds like your brother has made his decisions and unfortunately there is nothing that you can do other than try as you are doing.

If your brother doesn't want to take his medication and wants to drink himself silly that's up to him as sad and frustrating as it must be for you.

I feel for both of you.

 

[Jestadud]

Bit wary of coming in here but your frustration leaps off the screen at me so just trying to help a bit.

You cannot control this situation. You cannot change this situation. This situation will not resolve itself.
I believe that only leaves accepting the situation.

Does that mean accepting that you will miss your brother it sounds like it. It also sounds like accepting he is still your brother for all his faults.

I think you are going through the grieving process and I'm sad for you. Wish there was still a smilie hug I could send you.

 

[anni]

I feel the same Jadebear. It's clearly so deeply personal and I do not know you well, so do not wish to intrude and make things worse. What if I said something stupid. You just sound so frustrated and in pain I wished to at least also look for that smiley hug Jestadud can't find, either.

 

[AdamAnt]

I can't find it either Jadebear.........

 

[Iam]

I'm sorry Jade. It is all just so sad. In lieu of the smiley hug :) (((HUG)))