General How Do I 'Support' Effectively?

[Trinomial]

I would definitely let some time go by so he can manage the distress.

You should respect him by backing off, as he asked.

If he opens a dialogue with you again, you can apologize for crossing boundaries, but I wouldn't get into a long explanation if I were you. That would make it seem like it's more about you resolving your guilt than about wanting to just apologize for his sake.

 

[Trinomial]

I just read your update...

Next time he contacts you, maybe you should ask him straight out, "What do you want?" Let him know you don't expect an answer right away, give him time to think about it, and when he is ready, he can contact you again and let you know what it is he wants. He sounds overwhelmed and confused, and I think patience + listening + asking for clarity are key here.

 

[alwayzthere]

I know exactly how you feel, as I am going through the same thing now. You have to respect the illness and understand that what the sufferer says is not always personal. When the episodes occur, they can be mean and isolated, they will tell you things that will hurt your feelings and if you take this to heart you are doing nothing but hurting yourself. I am always learning and this site helps so much.

 

[jenkins123]

Thank you both for input. Trinomial, one of my frustrations is that I have been learning alot and so, more recently, respected the space boundary, yet HE began flirting with ME. At that point I did ask straight out if this meant there was still something between us when he was ready, to which he replied that we would see.Obviously I'd have liked a straight yes or no by then, but could appreciate his need for baby steps. Then the arrangements to meet (made by him) and the withdrawal.
He is now unlikely to contact me again, as our conversation ended rather uncomfortably. What I would like to do is let him know I do still care, but am letting go completely in the hopes that he can heal alone and return if ready. What I wish he could believe, during or post therapy, is that the relationship MAY stand a chance later and not to make a fixed decision now to shut that door forever.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I hope you do understand that it is hardest for a PTSD Sufferer to deal with someone they are emotionally involved with than someone who has no consequence on their life.

... sometimes if a PTSD Sufferer feels they have hurt/put you through too much/ think they may hurt you again that they may walk away despite still loving you.

Wow, Nicolette, you really hit the nail on the head with that one. Out of everything that I do/say to my husband that is the hardest part to deal with....And I do that walking away thing for the same reason too. I hate seeing hurt on his face..I can't deal with it, but I love him. Bad cycle that I need to pull myself out of.

 

[lovinbiker]

What I wish he could believe, during or post therapy, is that the relationship MAY stand a chance later and not to make a fixed decision now to shut that door forever.

Jenkins you do sound in a very similiar postition to me.
So I will give you my opinion on things, The flirting with you is because he almost certainly would love to be in a relationship with you. He just cant deal with at the moment no matter how much he would like it to be.

I think that he knows you care and probably feels awful for messing you about.
I think you should leave him if he does make contact with you avoid any questions about your relationship just be there as a friend for him if he needs it with no pressure.

On a final note he hasnt shut the door forever yet but he may if he doesnt get the time he needs to heal.
If you wanna talk please feel free to PM if i can help in any way I dont have all the answers but i am happy to give my opinion.

Do look after YOURSELF
Take care
Gareth

 

[Iam]

Hi Jenkins,

You have been given much good advice here, I would like to add something as a sufferer. Being a sufferer there are times when I need my space from everyone. When married that is a little tough, but my husband has learned to give it to me as much as possible. My good friends understand that I may totally withdraw for weeks or months at a time. If I tell someone that I don't want contact right now, I mean it. When someone makes the decision for me that it is unhealthy and keeps pushing all it does is push me away completely. If I say "no contact", I mean no contact. I do understand that it can be confusing, but my friends who know I have PTSD respect that space is something I must have.

Reading about how you are holding on really concerns me for you. While you x-bf may need space, it is NOT OK for him to keep stringing you along like he has. Your relationship sounds very co-dependent to me an that is unhealthy for both of you.You have said that you will let him go completely so that he can heal. Maybe you need to do this for yourself too? You need to take care of yourself, you deserve a happy life.

If you are to continue a relationship with him, I think LB is right on in saying to just be a friend. It would remove a lot of stress and expectations. Of course that may not be possible when you've been romantically involved.

Our oldest son was in a relationship with a girl we all loved, but who we found out later was bi-polar which explained much of her bizarre behavior. He and I discussed how dysfunctional their relationship was and how it was affecting him negatively. He truly loved her and wanted to stick by her like his father has done with me for 33 years. I told him that dating is to determine if a couple is compatible and to see if you are good for eachother. She was obviously NOT good for him (remember I do love her) and that he should end it. He didn't and held on for the better part of 4 years. The relationship became physically and emotionally abusive. He just barely made it thru college (on an academic shcolarship), but destroyed his automatic admission into law school because he was so stressed out dealing with her. They did eventually break up and he now says he wished he had listened to me.

I tell you this only to say that you are not married to him, you may love him, but that doesn't mean he is the person that you should be with for the rest of your life. I firmly believe that you should not be with someone hoping they will change anything, I mean anything, about themselves. You are setting yourself up for disappointment if you do.

Please take everything I say with a grain of salt. I do not know your situation other than what you have shared here and I certainly am not a professional.

 

[jenkins123]

Hi Iam

I appreciate your points although disagree about the co dependent point. We have not really embarked on a relationship in any normal sense since we dated a few times, both began to feel strongly, then the emotional shutdown came. And went, and came back. I certainly agree that I should not be kept on a string, ptsd or not, and that both stepping back will at least stop this from happening, and from becoming in any way co dependent in the future under a real relationship. I certainly do not wish to be pulled and pushed.

Regarding the "no contact" point, I admit I found this hard at the start but then managed it better. It was him who came back to contact, probably prematurely, but which was of course confusing to know how to handle.
I understand what you say about hoping someone will change. However, I do not hope to change him, I hope he learns to manage something that is a yet unmanaged thereby helping his reactions and our interactions, but not changing him. Does that make sense?

Thank you though for all your views.

 

[becvan]

Okay so I have read the whole thread now. Jenkins, what I am reading is very concerning. On one hand you are admitting that this is not healthy and you should let go, then on the other hand you are concerned with his feelings, hanging on and letting him know the door is still open.

The key to this entire thing is the fact that you are still hoping this will turn into a relationship. You already know that he is unhealthy with unmanaged trauma and is only just seeking help. You know that he reaches out and then backs off, repeatedly. You know that this is not healthy for you.

Why are you basing your decisions off possiblities in the future? You have the hear and now and the past. Both are screaming that this is unhealthy FOR YOU. You are worrying about him and what ifs. He is not your responsibility and what-ifs are not reality.

Plain and simple you need to let go and just walk away. No contact, no texts, no "the door is open in the future." If he contacts you again, the healthy thing to do what be to tell him you need someone commited to being there and wish him luck.

I'm sorry but your hope is your undoing. You are engaging in unhealthy, self-defeating practices by hanging on to someone who has proven they are unhealthy and not in place where relationships are possible. It is time to start putting yourself first.

Best of luck,
bec

 

[jenkins123]

Hi Bec

I hear you, and have already decided to walk away, completely, for me, and for him.

You asked "Why are you basing your decisions of possiblities in the future?" Honest answer: on a mixture of still loving him dearly, and on the fact that the present is unmanaged, the future may not be. It's not a decision, it's hope, Basic human instinct sometimes is to hope, perhaps moreso as on this forum we do hear stories of hope as the trauma becomes more managed. But I AM walking away now and getting on with my lfe. I guess for some time though there will naturally remain some hope in my heart of a return to something if/when the future becomes managed....

Thanks for your views, I do understand them.