I apologise if I come across as someone who shouldn't be on here. I'm new.
I experience periods of my legs feeling like the are full of lead. If I am In a situation where I feel threatened by the content of conversation - e.g major shame- I can freeze completely not look up and not be able to speak. I have to shake myself out of it by trying to get up or move around in some way...
I can have episodes of feeling detached from my surroundings... auditory senses seem to be triggered first - the sounds don't match up with the person I'm talking to (for some reason this happens alot when I'm talking with my mum). Then the lines and contours of objects and people in the room start going fuzzy and moving. I see things in 2 D and like I'm not really physically present...I go very quickly into this state and it can be scary... but it's been happening so many years I know nothing awful will actually happen... it's just exhausting and unpleasant...
Sometimes I've stayed in the state to see where it takes me but usual it just leads to compete overwhelm and parts of my body begin to feel completely inflated ... too large to handle...I don't have words for it...
So in terms of trauma- I've just posted on the childhood forum for anyone who is interested- i experienced child on child sexual trauma.. for i think around over 1 year... the thing is, as far as my memories go, I don't remember there being any fear involved... although major boundaries were crossed (I knew how to orgasm aged 9 and was made to engage in a number of adult sexual acts)...
Other traumas in my life? Nothing overtly obvious which I can see as being directly related to derealisation....depersonalisation...dissocation (all of which I've lived with since my teens as far as I can remember)... but my parents did split ... my father (who I saw every 2 weeks) was emotionally abusive and bad with boundaries... he was explosive and my sister maintains he was physically abusive to her / my brother all of which I would have been around...
None of these seem like reasons to experience the issues (dissociation) which I have experienced and do experience.
I'm now wondering - could the child on child sa experience i had cause these types of issues even though the trauma wasn't violent?
I experience periods of my legs feeling like the are full of lead. If I am In a situation where I feel threatened by the content of conversation - e.g major shame- I can freeze completely not look up and not be able to speak. I have to shake myself out of it by trying to get up or move around in some way...
I can have episodes of feeling detached from my surroundings... auditory senses seem to be triggered first - the sounds don't match up with the person I'm talking to (for some reason this happens alot when I'm talking with my mum). Then the lines and contours of objects and people in the room start going fuzzy and moving. I see things in 2 D and like I'm not really physically present...I go very quickly into this state and it can be scary... but it's been happening so many years I know nothing awful will actually happen... it's just exhausting and unpleasant...
Sometimes I've stayed in the state to see where it takes me but usual it just leads to compete overwhelm and parts of my body begin to feel completely inflated ... too large to handle...I don't have words for it...
So in terms of trauma- I've just posted on the childhood forum for anyone who is interested- i experienced child on child sexual trauma.. for i think around over 1 year... the thing is, as far as my memories go, I don't remember there being any fear involved... although major boundaries were crossed (I knew how to orgasm aged 9 and was made to engage in a number of adult sexual acts)...
Other traumas in my life? Nothing overtly obvious which I can see as being directly related to derealisation....depersonalisation...dissocation (all of which I've lived with since my teens as far as I can remember)... but my parents did split ... my father (who I saw every 2 weeks) was emotionally abusive and bad with boundaries... he was explosive and my sister maintains he was physically abusive to her / my brother all of which I would have been around...
None of these seem like reasons to experience the issues (dissociation) which I have experienced and do experience.
I'm now wondering - could the child on child sa experience i had cause these types of issues even though the trauma wasn't violent?