i tried to talk with her. again. im so f-ing stupid.

[mxmiserable]

so, yea. for anyone who has seen or remembers my last posts, i made an Instagram and tried to talk with my ex. im a f*cking dumbass. i still think we can solve things, like f*cking sexually assaulting me it's just "a talk" we need to have to make all this pain go away. i genuinely have the best intentions, i just want to be in okay terms with her and to make everything okay again. i want to have a chill talk about what hurt us, accepting our past, recognizing our mistakes and moving on. but maybe it's time to accept that will never happen. she'll always hate me for telling her the truth about how i feel :( and there's nothing i can do to convince her that she indeed, made a lot of harm. i deleted the messages and deactivated the account, i feel so freaking stupid. maybe im being to hard of myself, but i dont even know where the impulse came from. i don't know how but i seriously wanna improve on controlling my bpd impulses. that was such a stupid idea AGHHH im so dumb dumb stupid

 

[Sideways]

i deleted the messages and deactivated the account

Good for you! I know you feel like shit right now, but this was an awesome achievement.

Ptsd is a bitch to deal with when it comes to our abusers. From the outside looking in, it’s a simple case of Abuser = Bad, and the obvious solution is to just move on.

The reality is our brains going completely hectic with thoughts about “I’m so stupid…” and “I really should have…” and our feelings make it even more complicated and distressing with regret and shame and anger and, and, and…

Try and be gentle with yourself. Give your brain time to adjust. Not being in a relationship with your abuser (even a social media relationship) is a good thing. It allow your brain the space from your trauma that it needs to start healing from your trauma.

 

[Adobe]

There is a biological term called symbiosis. In it two unlike organisms are drawn to each other but they consume one another. They can’t live without each other but destroy one another. I had a symbiotic relationship years ago. It was so exciting and addictive but so destructive. I am not sure if this is scientific but I saw it as a soul tie. It took a lot of hard work to get free and become an autonomous independent woman. But the rest of my life was a road of good choices, listening to wise counsel. Changing friends and I had to move away, new email and phone number. I was dying from that toxic relationship. I do not know how old you are. I am 77 and still use the skills I learned to navigate life. I am in a 35 yr marriage with a healthy man and we have had exceptional years together. Don’t waste any more of your life. Work the work. Read the articles in this forum. You are accepted here. Look to what you picture your life looking like in one year, then two, five,ten and then make a plan. Block the number. Fight the fight it will not get better. My name I will go by to sign off..” bruises on my forehead “for all the times I tried to make it work.

 

[sunlight7]

After I left my abusive ex, i continued to talk to him over the phone for the same reasons you want to talk to your ex. When I was in therapy right after I left, I realized I was in a codependent relationship. Reading your post felt like I was reading something I wrote 3 years ago during the early stages of my break up with my ex I don’t know if you have explored codependency or not, but it put things in perspective . You can be codependent in all different types of relationships from what I read most people that suffer from codependency are in a romantic relationships or it’s a relationship between family members.

it’s normal to feel sad and angry (and lots of other feelings) when a relationship ends. even if it was an abusive relationship, Codependents often have a particularly difficult time moving on after a break-up or the end of a relationship. Even when you know it was a dysfunctional or unhealthy, abusive relationship, you can’t seem to let go and move forward with your life. You find yourself stuck, not really in a relationship, but not emotionally free either.

This article resonated with me a lot, and these are a list of feelings you have after ending a codependent relationship:

• Frequently texting, calling, or emailing your ex*
• Seeking information (maybe on social media or from mutual friends) about your ex
• Spending inordinate amounts of time thinking about or worrying about your ex
• Being “on call” for emergencies and rescuing your ex from his or her poor decisions
• Over-analyzing the relationship
• Fantasizing about getting back together or thinking about only the good parts of the relationship
• Feeling jealous that your ex has moved on
• Creating a crisis to get your ex’s attention
• Having trouble maintaining boundaries when your ex reaches out to you

You may not even be codependent, but I guess the point of all of this is that the urge to talk to him and have them Admit to what they did is normal, so don’t beat yourself up. And also you don’t need her validation. I know you want it but you don’t need it. I’m proud that you deactivated the Instagram account and deleted the message that shows that even though you slipped you went back and realized what you had done, you knew it wasn’t healthy and took action. That’s growth, it may not seem like it, but it is we all can slip up. Once I decided to end, I’ll contact I did slip and instantly regretted it. I felt exactly how you’re feeling right now. I’m a person have went through some things similar to how you’re feeling urge in that impulse goes away. It’s Not quick it takes time, but I promise you it will go away. I never thought it would go away either, but it did and if I felt the urge, went to go talk to my parents, or I called my friend I talk to someone who was supportive I am they help me talk myself down from contacting them.


Your situation is different than mine, but I hope my experience gave you some insight and help. If you’re interested in more details about my experience of ending all communication with my ex and the emotions that I experienced because these are just the cliff notes. Feel free to send me a message. I’m happy to talk and one last time don’t beat yourself… up you’re not stupid.

 

[ColoursToday]

After I left my abusive ex, i continued to talk to him over the phone for the same reasons you want to talk to your ex. When I was in therapy right after I left, I realized I was in a codependent relationship. Reading your post felt like I was reading something I wrote 3 years ago during the early stages of my break up with my ex I don’t know if you have explored codependency or not, but it put things in perspective . You can be codependent in all different types of relationships from what I read most people that suffer from codependency are in a romantic relationships or it’s a relationship between family members.

it’s normal to feel sad and angry (and lots of other feelings) when a relationship ends. even if it was an abusive relationship, Codependents often have a particularly difficult time moving on after a break-up or the end of a relationship. Even when you know it was a dysfunctional or unhealthy, abusive relationship, you can’t seem to let go and move forward with your life. You find yourself stuck, not really in a relationship, but not emotionally free either.

This article resonated with me a lot, and these are a list of feelings you have after ending a codependent relationship:

• Frequently texting, calling, or emailing your ex*
• Seeking information (maybe on social media or from mutual friends) about your ex
• Spending inordinate amounts of time thinking about or worrying about your ex
• Being “on call” for emergencies and rescuing your ex from his or her poor decisions
• Over-analyzing the relationship
• Fantasizing about getting back together or thinking about only the good parts of the relationship
• Feeling jealous that your ex has moved on
• Creating a crisis to get your ex’s attention
• Having trouble maintaining boundaries when your ex reaches out to you

You may not even be codependent, but I guess the point of all of this is that the urge to talk to him and have them Admit to what they did is normal, so don’t beat yourself up. And also you don’t need her validation. I know you want it but you don’t need it. I’m proud that you deactivated the Instagram account and deleted the message that shows that even though you slipped you went back and realized what you had done, you knew it wasn’t healthy and took action. That’s growth, it may not seem like it, but it is we all can slip up. Once I decided to end, I’ll contact I did slip and instantly regretted it. I felt exactly how you’re feeling right now. I’m a person have went through some things similar to how you’re feeling urge in that impulse goes away. It’s Not quick it takes time, but I promise you it will go away. I never thought it would go away either, but it did and if I felt the urge, went to go talk to my parents, or I called my friend I talk to someone who was supportive I am they help me talk myself down from contacting them.


Your situation is different than mine, but I hope my experience gave you some insight and help. If you’re interested in more details about my experience of ending all communication with my ex and the emotions that I experienced because these are just the cliff notes. Feel free to send me a message. I’m happy to talk and one last time don’t beat yourself… up you’re not stupid.

What you describe may also be attributed to a Trauma Bond, not Co-dependency. My understanding is that the two will manifest similarly, but the underlying causes are quite different.

• Trauma bonding means that the “victims have a certain dysfunctional attachments that occurs in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation” (Carnes, 1997)
• Codependency refers to a “type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement” (Johnson, 2014)

"Often, trauma bonding and codependency are confused with each other. Although they have similar characteristics, there are differences as well and it is important to identify the difference with clients to identify appropriate interventions for clinical consideration." (Trauma Bonding, Co-dependency, and Toxic Relationships)

I once thought I was Co-dependent, but was found to actually be deeply Trauma Bonded to my ex-partner. It's key to know the difference because it totally changes the healing journey.