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Third time’s a charm? Cutting off narcissistic mother

So I have not had any contact with her for a couple of months now. Today I missed multiple calls from her next door neighbour. So I called the lady back. She was all upset and worried about my mother. Mother is having a breakdown of some sort I guess, and is hounding the neighbour all the time.

I’ve called the social worker. I want no part of it. The timing is curious; it was her birthday last week and I never sent anything. Nor did I acknowledge the card she sent me last month. So I do wonder if this is a way of drawing me back in and she just doesn’t give a sh*t who she drags along for the ride.

Social services know that I’m not interested.

But it was so hard hearing this neighbour, especially when it got to the whole “I don’t know what’s happened between you but you really should get in touch”. Yeah, sorry lady, it must suck living next door but that’s not happening.

But my head is f*cked now.

I don’t want to get back in touch. But, more than that, I want no part in it at all. And I’ve already been dragged in indirectly because I’m the only one who knows the social worker’s number. And it’s not fair that the neighbour is left dealing with my crazy ass mother. Neither is it fair for me to I suppose.
 
I don’t want to get back in touch. But, more than that, I want no part in it at all. And I’ve already been dragged in indirectly because I’m the only one who knows the social worker’s number. And it’s not fair that the neighbour is left dealing with my crazy ass mother. Neither is it fair for me to I suppose.
holy crap the lengths your mom is willing to go to just to try to control you is astounding.
And no - it's not fair. At all. To you or to anyone she drags into her orbit

But kudos for not letting her back into your life!

As for the neighbor? Her boundaries are hers to control. If she chooses to let herself be used by your mom, to try to intervene, to try to help? Those are her decisions. They have nothing to do with you. Although you could give her the social workers number.....that might distract her!
☺️
 
The neighbour may not have the social worker's direct number, but she can Google the social services department and phone them. She can also keep her thoughts to herself about what she thinks you should do.
So no need to feel anything for her situation.

Do you want to block the neighbours number?
 
neighbor? Her boundaries are hers to control. If she chooses to let herself be used by your mom, to try to intervene, to try to help

them. She can also keep her thoughts to herself about what she thinks you should do
Thank you! You’ve no idea how much I needed to read these replies.

As for blocking the neighbour, no I don’t think I’m at that point. Yet.

It’s so triggering though it’s just awful. I’d have rather have had a phone call telling me she’d been found dead. Is that horrible? Probably. But it’s the truth.
 
Thank you! You’ve no idea how much I needed to read these replies.

As for blocking the neighbour, no I don’t think I’m at that point. Yet.

It’s so triggering though it’s just awful. I’d have rather have had a phone call telling me she’d been found dead. Is that horrible? Probably. But it’s the truth.
I get it. Not horrible, you did not make yourself feel that way.
 
But it was so hard hearing this neighbour, especially when it got to the whole “I don’t know what’s happened between you but you really should get in touch”. Yeah, sorry lady, it must suck living next door but that’s not happening.

But my head is f*cked now.
I used to regularly get to smack people upside the head who’d give me grief about completely blocking my MIL from my & my son’s life

“I don’t associate with people who sell children to pedophiles. I’m surprised you advocate for children to be raped. I hadn’t taken you for the type.”

It was all a matter of public record. She’d been arrested & institutionalised maaaaany many times over the years. Usually she’d roll on some of the johns to serve her term in a psych hospital, occasionally she did a year or three in prison. So I was exceptionally lucky, in that regard, as it wasn’t something that could be blown off as a psycho daughter in law. Go look her up. She’s responsible for the brutalisation of hundreds of children, and should be put to death, IMO. Not welcomed into my home, much less given ANY access to my -or anyone else’s- child.

People who make unilateral statements about “it doesn’t matter what it was” & similar? Have lived charmed lives. Some things? DO matter. Profoundly. But Their idea of a problem in a family, is someone refusing a hair cut, or not being invited to a celebration, or taking an arts degree instead of a law degree. And, yes. Life is too short for that, agreed. But people are idiots. And take offense at ridiculous things. Abuse & neglect are not ridiculous.

And it’s’ probably equally horrifying to me that the number of people who actually DID look her up, and ended up becoming physically ill, or falling over themselves weeping or enraged? (Why isn’t she in prison?!? // She has been. Many, many times. // That’s not right! // I agree.) Is only roughly equal to the people who didn’t bother, and assumed I would lie about something so easily proven/disproven, or even became irrationally defensive. Their own cozy little worlds, where they could never “like” a monster? More important to them, a than anything else. Shrug.

Idiots abound.

Try to ignore the ones who aren’t at least funny.

Don’t take them, or their advice, to heart.
 
don’t associate with people who sell children to pedophiles. I’m surprised you advocate for children to be raped. I hadn’t taken you for the type
Firstly, holy sh*t. I read that and laughed and thought ‘I’m stealing that line’ (she did give N access to me in exchange for stuff) and then I read the rest of what you wrote and wowee.

I don’t want to have to be that blunt about it all because part of me thinks it’s nobody’s business but then people just don’t get it.

But Their idea of a problem in a family, is someone refusing a hair cut, or not being invited to a celebration, or taking an arts degree instead of a law degree
Aye, this. People just can’t comprehend it huh? Which adds to the shame and the feeling not believed. Probably actually not believed because it’s beyond their ability to comprehend.

But I’m not speaking directly to mother. Nope. This is just reiterating that I cannot. For my fragile sanity’s sake.
 
So proud of you for not getting sucked back in!

I don’t think you need to be super blunt with the neighbor but maybe just say that there were plenty of reasons my Grandma ended up raising me and I refuse to be used by someone just because they are biologically your mother. Hopefully the neighbor takes the hint at that point that there is more than meets the eye to the situation. I’d only do that so she doesn’t play on my guilt brain.

Know you are doing the right thing, she has never been more than an abuser in your life she doesn’t get the privileges that go with being a parent, that’s a different situation.
 
I went no contact with my dad after his inappropriateness with me over six years hadn't necessarily "crossed the line," until the time that it finally did. After that, I never spoke to him again. I did not tell him why. I did not have a "final conversation." I did not send him a letter. He was not owed those things and they would not have benefited me in any way.

It wasn't difficult to stop talking to him. I did not experience guilt or shame. I did not experience the urge to "give in" and communicate with him. I have RAD, so I do not have any real emotional attachment to him at all - I did not love him, nor did I ever really have a bond with him. Letting people go has always been very easy for me, because the difficulty in letting people go necessitates having emotional bonds with them in the first place. I also only met him as an adult, which only made that lack of a bond more likely.

I'd find it much more challenging to do something like this with my mother, although I did go that period of six years relatively low contact due to her behavior, I still did speak with her and she knew she could reach me if it was important. My dad does not have that ability and never will again. (Not that he cares - I'm fairly certain I get my ASPD traits from him, and I've never known him to ever express affection toward me that was genuine, so he probably does not care. Which is fine with me, as I do not wish suffering on him, and it would be hypocritical of me to insist that he care about me when I have just indicated that I do not reciprocate.)

Even still, going no contact is difficult, because it does contribute to isolation. I have exactly one person in my entire family who I speak with and interact with on a regular basis, and I do not have any friends in real life. Cutting off my dad also meant that I no longer have access to my sisters, my grandma, even my step-mom. It also meant that it was unlikely I'd ever return to Cape Breton, so all the friends I had made there were also immediately removed from my life.

Being able to make the decision to cut off a family member and stick with it is something that takes resolve and strength, even if you don't have any guilt or any feelings toward them at all. Because it is also making the decision to have one less person in your life that you can rely upon for support and socialization. So when you do (have an emotional attachment, experience guilt/shame, etc) as most people on this thread do, it makes it even more difficult.
 
I’d have rather have had a phone call telling me she’d been found dead. Is that horrible? Probably. But it’s the truth.
not horrible at all. It's totally understandable

As for the neighbor? You don't owe her an explanation or an excuse. At all. Why you choose the path you choose is your business, not hers, and you should never feel like you have to defend it to some rando in the world - even a neighborhood rando. So feel free to say something like "thank you for calling - feel free to call social services if you believe she needs help because I'm not coming." End of conversation
And if that makes her judge you? That says more about her than you.

If it helps, my mom grew up in a super violent household and she cut contact at 18. 50 years later she got a note in the mail from her mom asking to come help take care of her. Mom looked at me and said "can you believe this crap?" and threw it away.
I know it still hurt her to cut them out - but she did it because they were toxic and she didn't want that in her life. It was a good lesson for me also - to know it was ok to walk away if people were abusive.

I can't imagine how hard this part is, but I can see what it is costing you now, with the feeling of having to make a choice that won't end well either way. Cut her out=lose your mom Don't cut her out = continuing abuse from you rmom. That sucks.
 
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