I Think I've Had A Light Bulb Moment

[Heather]

I was on the phone earlier with the nurse practitioner complaining about the constant thirst from the remeron and finally being tired of it and wondering if I could switch to something else without this side effect. she said it would have to wait t'il our next appt. and why don't i do the research and come up with what I thought would be a good substitute.

I hung up the phone and i'm thinking why am i doing her job? and then it hit me. she's not going to go 15 rounds with me on what i am or am not going to take and have me sit there and veto everything she says because i don't like the side effects. we've been down this road WAY TOO MANY TIMES and she's not going there with me anytime soon.

And then it occured to me when I saw my therapist today and we were talking and he again asked me for the thousandth time what he should do. and I said how do I know you're the therapist? why do you keep asking me? He said 'cuz you're a special case. we ended early today because I wasn't talking.

but it didn't occur to me until after the phone conversation with the nurse and even my counselor at the rape crisis center has told me that I "tie his hands" . My therapist has even said to me: YOU DON'T LISTEN TO A DAMN WORD I SAY. About 8 months ago when things were really bad and I was having flash backs, body memories, nightmares on a pretty regular basis nothing that he said or did was right and (I don't remember saying this but he says I did) I said to him why don't you get flash cards or something? so you know what to say to me. So, that's what we did. He had me make up flash cards and that's what we used during our sessions. For example: you're gonna be ok, you will get through this etc. There were one's that he made up that were really funny and completely unprofessional but i'll leave it at that.

I guess the point of this is: is that I'm holding myself back. unless i'm willing to put fourth the effort and do the work - no matter what med. i'm put on or how much talking I do with my therapist. unless I do the work.... it's not gonna amount to anything......he's been telling me that for the last 18 months. Change a thought, move a muscle...or something like that. see I do listen to him.....or it seeped into my subconscious somehow:p

Can anyone else relate to this?

 

[patrick]

Boy, can I relate to this. It's exactly what they all keep telling me. The pros can prescribe meds that may or may not work; lead me to information about theory, recovery practices, etc; help me make connections between past experience and current thoughts and feelings; maybe give me some insight about the effects of my behavior on myself and others; all that sort of thing. But when it comes right down to it, I spend one or two hours a week with the pros and the rest of the time I'm on my own. That's when the lion's share of my work has to get done.

Now just don't ask me how I'm doing on my work.:rolleyes:

Excellent insight, Heather, if I may be presumptuous to say so.

 

[amethist]

I have seen the same light bulb effect a few times with my husband. The latest one just before Christmas.

I had been explaining to him so many times about using what he had been taught in therapy and about his medication only being part of his recovery, the rest was up to him. He had a lot of help and support, but if he did not learn from it, then all those trying to help him were wasting their time and effort, when someone else could use all he had been given.

His community support came to see him mid December, he was having one of his lack of motivation days at the time. I had about had enough of him not being fully open about a few things so I told his support what was going on and why. After a few minutes discussing his issues with past community support, he blurted out, "And I wish she would stop treating me like a child". His support came straight back with "Well stop damn well acting like one then", telling him why I had to do this at times. Let's just say this new guy told him as it is, told him what he needed to do with all he had learnt, how we will all support him for as long as needed, but he has to pull in the same direction as the rest of us.

A month on and the changes are amazing, still has all the problems and issues he had a month ago, but now looking and working with them differently. As the adult he is not the child he seemed be wanting to be at times, still hard, still a long way to go, but so much easier now, for everyone.

Just getting out of bed, and doing something positive for yourself before you start the rest of the day, can make one heck of a difference.

Keep going Heather, no one ever said it would be easy, but you have got your fight back now, don't loose that.

Amethist

 

[just me here]

yeah, I agree.

I know they can't perform a surgery or prescribe a sure cure like an antibiotic for this.

Frankly, I have been working on this for so long and so hard, I am just tired of it. I keep hitting a wall where I realise that therapy is just a crutch, PTSD is just a limp, I am just a person with a bad leg under me, all of this is a walk in the park compared to the plight of others and the whole thing is happening only because I am not willing to accept being just another busted up person living life from a safe distance.

So what is really harder, trying to work at getting better or working on getting used to being busted?

 

[KP the nut]

Excellent insight, Heather, if I may be presumptuous to say so.

Hi Heather - a great light bulb moment indeed.

We need to listen, take in what is said, and carry out what is needed. Unfortunately a lot of the help and advice gets lost in translation. Our brains give in and we can't process stuff.

We also need to believe in ourselves. I know (well today anyway) that I will take control of my life. I had another trigger whilst in the village this morning, an ambulance drove past siren and lights blazing. I froze, told my husband, received reassurance and was able to continue shopping.

You are doing fantastic.
Love and hugs
KP

 

[deer_in_headlights]

"...is that I'm holding myself back. unless i'm willing to put fourth the effort and do the work - no matter what med. i'm put on or how much talking I do with my therapist. unless I do the work.... it's not gonna amount to anything....."

All right, Heather!!! Whoo-Hoo!!! I am so proud of you!!! ((((((((((((Heather)))))))))))))
Keep going, Sweetheart!!! (You'll be thrilled as these lightbulb moments can open up more lightbulbs, sooner, faster, lighting up your life and your spirit, "as you do the work".)

Great work, Heather!!!
Glowing for you...
Deer

 

[Heather]

So what is really harder, trying to work at getting better or working on getting used to being busted?

Thank you everyone. What I realize is my biggest problem is ME. It's part learned helplessness and an overwhelming sense of worthlessness that is so deeply ingrained that I self-sabotage and end up not even trying. My therapist and I have been talking about this since i started seeing him but this is a tough nut to crack. the sexual abuse did a lot of damage and my mother really screwed me up as well too. thanks again for all your input its helped a lot:)

 

[BloomInWinter]

Good for you! That's a ton of hard stuff, there!

(((((((((Heather)))))))))))

 

[Heather]

Yes, well it's talk that's the easy part....it's the action that's seems to be where I lose my momentum.

 

[just me here]

Yes, well it's talk that's the easy part....it's the action that's seems to be where I lose my momentum.

I can understand feeling like you lose momentum and don't follow through with the actions, but I don't agree that it is really a good description of what happens.

For me, I don't see trying to alter my thought patterns as an "action" that I don't follow through on. I am constantly aware of how my patterns and triggers are staying more or less the same and how I am not able to make them change, but it's not a failure or a lack of action that keeps them that way. It's a condition, a diagnosis, a state of being. It's not like I have a ditch to dig or a house to paint and I am just not getting around to it.

Awareness of the problem, a view of a goal, a path to follow is as good as it gets. For me thats plenty. I am not going to feel like I am losing momentum if I don't wake up feeling better every day, I am going to feel like being aware of the progress, however slow, is my reward for my hard "work".

Don't beat yourself up when you wake up a week, a month, 2 days from now and feel as bad as you ever have. It's not a lack of action or a loss of momentum. It is a symptom of an illness and being aware of it and taking a more objective look at yourself before you feel like you failed in some way is how you get through it.

Thanks for the post, I have had a good thought about it all day today.

 

[patrick]

"Don't beat yourself up when you wake up a week, a month, 2 days from now and feel as bad as you ever have. It's not a lack of action or a loss of momentum. It is a symptom of an illness and being aware of it and taking a more objective look at yourself before you feel like you failed in some way is how you get through it."

Still haven't figured out how to use the quote feature on this site, but JUST ME HERE wrote this and it really resonated with me. I tend to blame myself, my lack of a work ethic, my laziness, my lethargy and weakness whenver I wake up feeling bad. What have I missed, neglected, ignored, denied that makes me feel this way this morning? And then down the spiral I go. Self blame...self hatred...hopelessness...and all the rest of it.

It is so hard for me to not blame myself for every negative feeling. Sometimes it's just because I have PTSD with all of its various symptoms. I need to learn to accept that the disorder is real, that I'm not weak or faking it, and that I can move beyond the bad times with some effort. I don't have to lose hope, give up and dive into the bottle.
Thanks for this thread, Heather. It has been really thought provoking.

 

[Heather]

For me, I don't see trying to alter my thought patterns as an "action" that I don't follow through on. I am constantly aware of how my patterns and triggers are staying more or less the same and how I am not able to make them change, but it's not a failure or a lack of action that keeps them that way. It's a condition, a diagnosis, a state of being. It's not like I have a ditch to dig or a house to paint and I am just not getting around to it.

Don't beat yourself up when you wake up a week, a month, 2 days from now and feel as bad as you ever have. It's not a lack of action or a loss of momentum. It is a symptom of an illness and being aware of it and taking a more objective look at yourself before you feel like you failed in some way is how you get through it.

just me here this is very powerful and thought provoking - thank you. you've given me a lot to think about. quite a lot.