Struggling…collapse/freeze and safety or not

[KathK]

Hi. Not sure where to put this. Short version, a medical trauma around new years set off a major flare of my cptsd, and has complicated matters with mptsd.

This wasn’t first time I’ve experienced trauma at the hands of or in the care of clinicians, but seems it opened the floodgates and I have little memory of it apart from flashes outside my body of me picking up my bag from beside the hospital bed, closing a taxi door, and starting to ‘come to’ with my keys in my hand while closing the door behind me in my hallway.

I participated in a codesign research with a local uni earlier this week and the campus location was directly across the road from the hospital, and my arousal increased as the day went on despite using techniques and medication, and apart from some reprieve with the dog running and linking with me (not certified assistance dog but very attuned to me, though this was her playtime), I was exhausted, zoned out and numb after…masking for so much of the time is so draining. There’s been other things, but I’m kind of frozen and sort of starting to feel collapse now…I got home after dog park and errands for my mother (she’s capable but no confidence since the DV with my ‘father’ that she’s still in denial about), and I didn’t have to mask as mum had taken my son out for birthday dinner, and I within moments sat then lay on the floor just passed the hallway and into the lounge, and curled up unable to think, speak, focus, decide, etc.

I don’t recall that experience before, so any insights on how to manage it, prevent it, what’s going on physically?

I’m also struggling with even keeping in touch with my clinicians; unless it’s in my home (home visit or Telehealth or similar) I just can’t do it, though am trapped having contact given physical issues. Plus I’m feeling like giving up fighting, not as in being suicidal, just I don’t recall a setting (hospital, school, home, footpath, ‘family friends’, etc) where I haven’t been abused/assaulted, beyond the verbal/emotional which is bad enough on its own, so why bother fighting anymore for safety, or to have the right to self-determination? I may as well just let people do what they want to me, at least I’ll be able to stop them doing it to my son and they’ll have an outlet so less likely to seek another one.

Rambling…I’m struggling, my Drs are worried but apart from meds they seem to be stuck, one psychiatrist even surprised I can’t enter the hospital grounds without trauma arousal panic . Why bother trying for my safety

 

[Freddyt]

This wasn’t first time I’ve experienced trauma at the hands of or in the care of clinicians, but seems it opened the floodgates and I have little memory of it apart from flashes outside my body of me picking up my bag from beside the hospital bed, closing a taxi door, and starting to ‘come to’ with my keys in my hand while closing the door behind me in my hallway.

Sympathy first.....I have had trauma from similar sources.

Part one - reduce your flooding. If doing things for others that are capable of doing for them selves.....until you get you under control better its stress you don't need.

Get a medical exemption for masking. Helped me no end. Especially since restricted breathing was part of trauma for me.

Then work on this stuff......learn to recognize and reduce that stress stuff. Learn how to stop and control or say no.

The ptsd cup explanation

Nearly a decade ago (2006) I wrote The PTSD Cup Explanation, a simple view of how PTSD causes symptoms in day-to-day life. This article is an update to that original piece. Regardless of the type of trauma endured, the PTSD Cup does not change, deviate or apply differently to your circumstance...

www.myptsd.com

Then start looking for therapy and help to move on......

 

[Friday]

Hi. Not sure where to put this

As a teeny tiny preamble? …General is the doubly perfect place!

Seriously.

First, because anytime you don’t know, staff can & do easily nip it over to a better fitting forum. No fuss, no muss, no worries.

Second, because I’m counting you’re eyeballs deep dealing with:

Avoidance
- Triggers & Stressors of Hospital & School
- Struggling with clinicians if not in your own home (not avoiding the clinicians, as you can & do Telehealth; but rather a molecule more complicated and it’s too much).

Anxiety, Panic, & Hypervig
- Freezing
- Hypervigilant about the hospital across the street from where you were working on the codesign project
- “my arousal increased as the day went on” = Hypervig & Anxiety feeding into each other.

Cognitive Distortions & Core Beliefs
- “I don’t recall a setting (hospital, school, home, footpath, ‘family friends’, etc) where I haven’t been abused/assaulted, beyond the verbal/emotional which is bad enough on its own, so why bother fighting anymore for safety, or to have the right to self-determination? I may as well just let people do what they want to me, at least I’ll be able to stop them doing it to my son and they’ll have an outlet so less likely to seek another one.”

^^^Breaks down into a LOT of both core beliefs and distortions all feeding into each other. I started to break them up into those components, but felt it wiser to just leave the statement whole, for the time being.

Depression & Suicidality
- Crushed under the weight of all of it …until giving up & why bother make “sense”
- Exhausted & overwhelmed by everyday tasks
- Learned Helplessness
- Cognitive Distortions (Depression Lies)

Dysregulation
- Collapsing
- Anxiety/Panic/Freezing
- Triggered/Stressed
- Disassociating
- “my arousal increased as the day went on despite using techniques and medication, and apart from some reprieve with the dog running” (unable to keep yourself regulated, despite all the efforts to attempt to).

Disassociation
- “within moments sat then lay on the floor just passed the hallway and into the lounge, and curled up unable to think, speak, focus, decide, etc.”
- “I was exhausted, zoned out and numb after”
- Masking (similar to professional distance & daydreaming, masking usually falls on the healthy side of disassociation, but is still a type of disassociation).
- Flashbacks & Pieces of Memories

Relationships
- Errands & assistance for traumatized mother
- Mother’s DV history intersecting with your own
- Minimizing the impact of your PTSD on your son
- The relationship between your mother, your self, your child & combined trauma history, current symptoms, coping mechanisms, necessity, priorities, and juggling all of those balls

Sleep & Nightmares
???

CHA! Every single symptom cluster Except maaaaaaybe ONE is on your plate, right now.

1. (Most importantly) No wonder you’re a hot mess.
2. If a thread could go in either this forum or that? General is the place to go. But you’re not dealing with two issues. You’re dealing with ALL THE THINGS. Right here. Right now.

Teeny tiny preamble over?

I don’t recall that experience before, so any insights on how to manage it, prevent it, what’s going on physically?

My own experience/tips/tricks to follow

 

[KathK]

lol…preamble helped actually and gave me a chuckle as I like to organise things and categorise them, I can usually tell my son exactly where to find something of mine down to which cupboard, shelf, side of shelf etc
I wasn’t sure what would come out in the writing, only a couple of things I was going to mention. To fill the categories…most of my clinicians I’ve cancelled or indefinitely postponed appointments with and despite needing a few physical things checked and scanned…it may not be total avoidance of clinicians, but there is avoidance of clinicians and disclosing less to them than I used to.
Sleep…wake unrefreshed, trouble getting to sleep, meds with weighted blanket and nature sounds help me get to sleep. Given I rarely reach REM sleep, especially without meditation which I can’t take every day, no dreams/nightmares. Though times I’m exhausted and lay down for a rest in the afternoon and fall asleep.
Some would say winter doesn’t help, and granted there’s less direct sun on my balcony, but I do get a lift at the park under the stars with pup, despite the light pollution which eases in the tree clumps. Also given family winter birthdays it’s usually not winter blues, though I miss my late Nana, but I’m grateful for the time I had with her and that my son has memories of her.
Freddy mentioned masks, good point re facial masks though rarely needed now, just to clarify though I was referring to basically acting in combination with a level of dissociation so that my face and body language masked what I was feeling, though some might see through it most clinicians even in psychiatry haven’t seen through it before, but it’s exhausting keeping up the facade. In hindsight I’ve had a level of dissociation and masking since age 6-7yrs so even before I did any lessons in drama or performance with instruments (inc voice), so it’s balancing how much and what type of dissociation, at present I seem to be keeping grounded enough that I don’t blackout, and the watching myself from outside the body (depersonalisation ?) doesn’t seem to be happening now, that was mostly in the moment with the traumas…I’m seeing a trauma therapist, though it’s only been a few months and she’s on leave for a fortnight, so very slow going building up a rapport/trust and barely going beyond surface stuff.
Fighting for my safety…I can’t see the point nor have the energy, for my son the mother tiger comes out and energy I don’t have is found for him…his one trauma was a family trauma (him and me) and I couldn’t protect him and had the hardest period of my life at and following it, and I’ve had a couple of reminders of it, and I still can’t talk about it, though the dismissing etc …my mother has no insight and can’t see beyond herself, except in a transactional sense or to compare how others have it better than her. I’ve set up home care services, got her through active cancer treatment (ok yeah basically burned out doing so; best medical evidence says they got all the cancer, though no guarantees of course and her body is still recovering especially from the chemo).
Fur family starting to increase vocals, time to leave weighted blanket and feed them (though they have biscuits still)…my intake is crap, arousal levels decreasing appetite, forgetting to eat, and nausea when eating, but I’ll try to get something little in.

 

[Freddyt]

acting in combination with a level of dissociation so that my face and body language masked what I was feeling, though some might see through it most clinicians even in psychiatry haven’t seen through it before, but it’s exhausting keeping up the facade.

Sometimes - its about one foot in front of the other.......just keep moving.......

I’m seeing a trauma therapist, though it’s only been a few months and she’s on leave for a fortnight, so very slow going building up a rapport/trust and barely going beyond surface stuff.

Me too. I was getting stressed over the same. Last therapy day my tinnitus said "still heavy reprocessing going on" and we had our first "non active therapy" session. Pretty amazing how far that seemed to go for me in building more rapport and trust. We did Somatic work and talked during the breaks in that and it went a long way toward building a relationship, and helping with my comfort in "what we are going to do besides EMDR". Hope you get the same when your T gets back.

There's tons of help with everything from eating to sleep here, and don't be afraid to join in or start a new thread asking for help - there are many here who can give you a ton of help with eating and sleep. Plus I find the Social thread fun, helpful and a great place to let off steam and have fun with people who just get PTSD.