Emdr

[sky dancer]

Hi Just me,

I just wanted to offer you a few words of encouragement and a 'hang in there'. I thought my 'main trauma' was an assault that touched off the PTSD. It turns out my main trauma is from childhood violence and psychological abuse. I fought my therapist over that but he kept not letting me process the more recent assault.

It turns out he's right. I've been doing the childhood trauma work and to my surprise I don't think about or feel afraid of the perpetrator of the relatively recent assault.

Healing from PTSD does play havoc with present life. I had been a competent social worker and counselor before the assault by a neighbor that triggered the PTSD. I lost my home, my job and the self-esteem that went with competent functioning.

Slowly, I've been working my way back. I work part-time now. I'm so grateful to have a supportive spouse.

It tmust be so hard for you to be around the people who hurt you so long ago. I hope your therapist is helping you create a safe space in which to work all this through,

Going through this myself, with all the resources I actually have going for me, I appreciate the work that we all do to heal.

It's so important for you to keep going even when it gets tough. All of your symptoms, the crying, the physical illness, the difficulty concentrating, I've had them all. They come and go. I'll go now for a week or two relatively symptom free and then something, some contact with family with trigger the PTSD.

What seems to be happening is I measure my success in terms of the absence of some symptom or the speed of recovery from the symptoms.

Just last week I was able to pull out of a full blown panic attack within twenty minutes. I was able to do so because my spouse was with me and I was able to just be with the symptoms how they were without fighting them. Then I could redirect myself into another activity and come back.

Just wanted to make contact with you and let you know there is a whole community here of people who care about your recovery.

Later,

sky

 

[Turtle]

Just me here,

I completely understand your post. I have been a wreck since I started EMDR. It's gotten to the point where the last few times I went to see my T I couldn't handle doing any work on it. I couldn't afford to have the melt downs for days afterwards with my semester coming to a close I needed to focus on school, so we just talked about things, and how I can handle the stress of leaving for a few weeks better.

You seem to be managing much better than me. You're hanging in there and know what you want to get done and keeping at it. I hope this continues for you, I'm so proud of you!

I feel like I can't do that, like EMDR is too much for me. It's not worth it, I want my old life back. When I wasn't crying at the drop of a hat, or flying off into another rage.

I hope people keep posting here about how their EMDR is going, and maybe that will show me that things get better, but right now I can't see it for me.

 

[KP the nut]

Already stressing about EMDR tomorrow. Last time was so hard. I was stuck in a memory. Since the last time I've had 2 major triggers, both sound related and totally unexpected.

I know I must tell my T, but am scared at the thought of what he'll have me do, I don't know if I want to focus on them and my thinking that I have to cope all the time.

But, I know in order to take control I have to do it.

My H is away on business until Thursday and I miss him. He is away a lot over the next month or 2. He can't postpone, he does when I'm really bad but one of us needs a job and he is it.

I felt ok earlier, but am anxious and tearful now.

I want to curl up in a ball, however the dogs need walking and the rubbish needs putting out for tomorrow, I'm worried about having to get up early, shower, dress, breakfast, walk dogs and the 40 min drive to T. At least I did Ts challenges, had coffee with 2 friends (not just the one) and the house is tidy.

I'll do grounding exercises and try to create a calm mind to help me to sleep. Also a couple of glasses of wine my be in order, although I don't drink much if I have to drive next day.

Wish me luck - I need it

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Good luck, (((((((((((Kath))))))))))))!

Please be careful about using alcohol to self-medicate, though. Alcohol is one of the worst things to drink before bedtime, it feels as if it puts you to sleep quickly, but it doesn't last, your sleep becomes lighter than it should, and it really messes with your REM. All sleep specialists caution about not using alcohol as a sleep aid.

Can you have your T go more gently with the EMDR? My T has stopped pushing, now he's slowing the pace way down, so I don't get as flooded and overwhelmed (sort of a making haste more slowly). He talked with me about that yesterday. He knows I'm eager to heal, but wants to keep me from falling off a cliff trying to do it. You might want to ask your T to help you take frequent grounding breaks, and the opportunity to "go to your safe place" during and at the end of your session.

The work is important, but so is the pacing. He'll keep it up, unless you let him know how much you struggle between sessions.

You'll do great, Kath!!!
You did wonderful things, today!!!
Sending hugs ((((((((((((Kath))))))))))), numerous "Good Lucks!", and lots of love!
Deer

 

[KP the nut]

Good luck, (((((((((((Kath))))))))))))!

Please be careful about using alcohol to self-medicate, though. Alcohol is one of the worst things to drink before bedtime, it feels as if it puts you to sleep quickly, but it doesn't last, your sleep becomes lighter than it should, and it really messes with your REM. All sleep specialists caution about not using alcohol as a sleep aid.
Deer

(((Deer))) thank you for caring, don't worry I only have 2 small glasses. One at about 6pm, and one with supper, I know it is a stimulant but it does relax me.

Love
KP

 

[KP the nut]

Damn, Damn, Damn,
OK so all psyched up. Managed some sleep.

Up at 6.15am, unheard of, showered, moisturised, dressed, had breakfast and coffee, walked dogs. Changed into proper clothes drove 40 mins to T appt at 9am. Saw T who very apologetic said their wasn't a room free, he had left me a message but I'd already left home.

I think my T needs a T, the poor man wasn't with it. He is now seeing me tomorrow, so have to build up to it again. He did say I'd done well to get my act together for 9am.

Frustrated

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Aghh, Darn it, poor gal!
(((((((((((Kath)))))))))))))
Poop, all that agony for nothing... :p

Hopefully, tonight you won't feel anxious at all... you did all your fretting last night and this morning, and did a very admirable "practice run"... hopefully peace will take it's place? (Not likely, but one can hope, right? :) ).

Sending you love and hugs,
Deer

 

[KP the nut]

I am feeling more relaxed about tomorrow. Chatting on here helps, also H home about 4am tomorrow morning.

I don't think it will be an EMDR session as those should be video recorded in case needed for a court case. Although he forgot last time and did it anyway. We are not at the usual office tomorrow and I don't think he'll bring recording equipment.

I just want to get better and I want to get better NOW. Patience is not a virgin or whatever the phrase is

.

I want my compensation claim sorted, I want my job back and I want my life as it was. Pain free. Really cranky now, fed up with neck and shoulder being sore.

AArgh.

If T wants to talk tomorrow, that will be good as I need to rant.

At least I did the goals he set, phoning friends for coffee. Now I just need to make aqua aerobics when it starts on the 27th. I'm having lunch with work friends tomorrow. That and T before it, I'll probably be in a heap on the floor.

I want my life where I can drive the 3 hours on my own to see my youngest daughter, I want the road trips we used to have, singing Your Song, the version from the film Moulin Rouge, with the opera bits at top volume.

Ok, now I've been a petulant child, I'll go put all my toys back in the pram and pick the dummy off the floor

 

[Darkness Shines]

Patience is not a virgin or whatever the phrase is:eek:.

Oh, KP, that was hilarious!

Though I think patience actually is a virgin, because she, ya know, wants to wait.

Good luck with your appointment. Hope you're not as pissed as I would be about a 9am apt being canceled. I would start the next appointment by strangling the other person, I do believe.

 

[KP the nut]

OK, feeling shattered, poor H ahs gone for a sleep as he didn't get in until 4am (work not partying).

I took T cake, yesterday I felt he may need it

. He was surprised and pleased.

So much for thinking no EMDR. OK he didn't record it and couldn't do hand tapping. Instead he said todays session would use hand held paddles which vibrate (yes OK if I hadn't been anxious I would have giggled).

Was very intense, more I think than hand tapping. At one point I almost jumped out of the chair at a sudden realisation, I was really freaked. T continued to talk calmly and bring me back to the room.

I felt tired when I came home but had arranged to meet work friends, so back in the car for 40 mins to see them. Pleased I did, it was good to see them

 

[KP the nut]

Hand tapping vs Vibrating paddle

I found both effective, it takes me longer to 'be there' with the hand tapping. I think because you need eyes open to watch Ts hand.
Todays session with the paddles I went there much quicker, I could close my eyes and block the room easier.

I'm so pleased I have a T I'm comfortable talking to.

I , I don't know what I want to say. Feel confused, scared at memories, scared at what there is still to come

 

[Iam]

Same think with Iam....she has the one T just for EMDR.

Yes AdamAnt and Jawn, you are right. I do see a different T for EMDR.


Ga5bby, I agree with Jen that you should talk with your T about whether EMDR would be a good thing for you or not. Your T knows you well. If you do decide to go to an EMDR specialist it doesn't mean that you have to stop seeing your other T. I see both of mine weekly and find it helpful.

My regular T is not a trauma specialist and suggested that I go to one who is certified in EMDR specifically because after a full year of therapy we were still having such difficulty accessing my feelings and because I have been unable to really talk about the things that happen to me. When I would try I'd clam up and dissociate. EMDR has helped tremendously with bringing the feelings to the surface, but I don't have to talk in detail about the traumas themselves. At least not yet.

The EMDR is for trauma and I do CBT and spiritual work with the regular T. The last few EMDR sessions we finally started to hit on the core traumas. It's tough emotionally and good to know that I have an appt with my regular T just a few days away so that I can decompress a little with him if needed. Though I do for see cutting back to every other week with him soon. Ha, "soon", whatever that means!

Anyway, good luck with your decision. I am sure that you will make the right one. :)