Need Advice Asap!!!

[Jade-]

OK, I have been invited to the birthday celebration of someone close to me. It's tomorrow night....at a bar.

When I was first invited, I said I wasn't sure if I would go....then she told me she really wanted me to, made me feel guilty, and I said I would.

I woke up this morning realizing what a *huge* mistake it would be if I go.....I already know what will happen. I'm going to end up so drunk....trying to fight people....blah blah blah.

Now she's mad because I have changed my mind and I am feeling guilty. Yet at the same time, I'm a little pissed off. Seems like if she truly cares about me, she would be more understanding and wouldn't have asked in the first place. She knows I don't want to drink, she knows the last time I drank with her I tried to fight her, broke things, had a meltdown,etc. She also knows I wouldn't be able to go to a bar and resist the temptation to drink.

I feel more pissed than I feel guilty....so I'm not going to go and if she's mad....f*ck her....right? Isn't this a situation where I need to think of myself and only myself? I know I should be able to figure this one out myself...but right now my head and my heart aren't agreeing....so I'm asking for input please.

 

[atl22]

Jadebear,

I believe that you are making the right decision by not going and a good friend would understand, especially since this birthday party is at a bar! If this were a birthday party at a house, it might be a little different but a bar is a place to drink. You should offer to do something else with her that is not at a bar, like a lunch or brunch without alcohol.

If she doesn't like this idea, too bad. There will be more birthdays. If you go, it might be a disaster and the result might be the complete destruction of the friendship. She should realize that you are doing what is best for both you and her. She might be upset now, but she will most likely understand in the future. If not, too bad. Do what is right for yourself.

Stay strong. In my opinion, you have made the right decision. I think that she is being a little selfish. If I were to have a birthday at a bar, I would understand that some people might not want to go, especially if they have issues with alcohol.

atl22

 

[Heather]

Hi jadebear - I agree with atl. and if your friend can't understand then is she really a friend? especially if you have issues with alcohol. offer to do somethng else that doesn't involve alcohol. I like the idea of a lunch or go on an outing on a saturday -- something fun. and I agree to that she is being selfish - more than just a little.....this is a time for you to take care of you! Heather

 

[ISupportHer]

I will jump on the band wagon. You are right in acknowledging that you should not go, despite the guilt. I see it as being true to yourself. You see the end result and have steered away. Awesome.

I question the friend's asking you, in light of the previous outcome. Makes me wonder what drives that behavior in asking. Maybe simply wanting to "make it better" but that would be quite naive.

ISH

 

[curiouser]

Jade, I can understand your view of the situation and your decision not to attend, and think it's a good idea. I agree with what the others have said about your friend, she should respect your choice not to go due to your issues with alcohol.


I think when we decide to make changes in our lives, it helps if the things we do reflect and support those changes we want to make, specially in the beginning. So choosing not to be near alcohol and not to hang around people who are drinking right now, may be helpful in supporting your choice not to drink. For right now, I think this is a good plan, if it's helping you.

However I want to point out that you can get alcohol and drink anytime you want to, you are just making the personal choice not to. It may not seem like it, but you can make the personal choice not to drink just as easily at the bar with your friends, as you can at home by yourself, because no matter what people do or say, they cannot control you unless you let them.

Hopefully when you feel stronger about being sober and more confident, you will be able to go out to a bar with your friends and be able to make the personal choice not to drink and stand by it. Until then, like others have suggested, you can find alternative things to do for fun with your friends that don't involve drinking, who knows, in the future bars may not even be your idea of fun anymore.

Don't feel guilty for making the right decision for you at this moment, specially if it's one that affects your health.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi JB, good on you for decideing not to go. Have tou explained to your friend why?

Maybe, if this is someone you want as a friend, suggest meeting up to go to a craft centre, or shoping or just a coffee (sorry I'm a fluffy girlie - even at 50 :)), somewhere where you can let her know she is still important, without alcohol being involved.

(((HUGS)))
KP

 

[Jade-]

Thanks everyone. I have calmed down now....

I think I was so pissed because for one thing, I didn't feel like she truly cared about me when she got mad. Any other 'true' friend wouldn't have asked in the first place or would have been understanding when I declined the invitation. The friends that weren't invited were already worried when they heard I said yes in the beginning and were telling me to be sure I eat before I go, don't start drinking before I'm picked up, don't drink whiskey, drink slowly, don't drink at all, etc. ....I think I need to stick with the supportive friends.

Second...I was mad that I'm considered 'the party girl'....I know she mainly wanted me there to liven things up and make sure it was a fun party.....one that the town would be talking about.....and I don't wanna be 'that' person anymore, yet she wanted me to be for her, not caring what I want. I don't want to be anybody's entertainment.....

Third, I guess I was mad at myself because part of me wanted to go..part of me wanted to go have a wild time.

But I'm not going. And I'm not changing my mind about it. Thanks for replying so fast everyone, I appreciate it.

And btw curiouser...you said

you can get alcohol and drink anytime you want to, you are just making the personal choice not to

That's true. I am making the choice not to. And I have been doing pretty good. I don't want to go to a bar any time soon....it would be the same as putting a pile of toys in front of a 4 yr old and expecting them to not want to play. Right now I think I'd be too tempted to play, so I need to stay away.

 

[Jawn]

Jade you are making the right decision for you. That is what really matters.

Jawn

 

[cherryblossom]

I'm probably a bit late here, but I think you have made the right decision JB. I also like the fact that you have thought this through and worked out why you were pissed off with her etc. I agree that a bar would be the wrong place for you to be right now. Maybe in the future - but who knows?
Well done for staying strong, and resisting the temptation put before you. You could use it as an 'excuse' to go out drinking - but you haven't. That speaks volumes. I don't think you needed anyone here to tell you it wasn't a good idea, you had already worked that out for yourself - all good stuff from what I see

 

[seedling]

Jade, you've made such a great decision. And, managed to make it initially even though you were confused and emotional. That's real progress.

It's like the sound of ripping velcro - the sound of you pulling away from the old life and being "that person" to becoming who you are. I'm glad you have some friends that look out for your best interests.

What will you do to have a new kind wild time?

something fun I hope!

 

[shadowchaser]

You did the right thing.

If you want to try to explain it to her try talking about what happened last time. Explain that you are concerned about hurting her threw your actions and that is the reason you declined. A true friend does not do things to harm those they care about even if it means breaking a promise.

 

[Jade-]

Thanks again everyone. It's so nice to have a place where I can count on others to have my back and keep me going in the right direction when I'm not so sure which way to go.

Seedling, what will I do to have a new kind of wild time?......I don't know, but I'm easily amused and entertained, so it shouldn't be too hard to find something. LOL