Trauma bondings

[Billi]

I still dont know why, and if and how it has anything to do with my taumas, but I have this tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are, well, complicated. I dont want to say toxic cause people are just people, and I believe I am toxic in a way myself, So victimizing and saying how everyone else are bad will be king of hypocritic by me.

The thing is, this is the kind of people Im being attracted to, and it always leads to kind of a darkish toxicish kind of realtionship where both sides are not the best influence for each other, but sh*t, its still fun. And I feel like modern days just idealized this perfect image of a relationship where both sides are straight angles which makes me feel kinda guilty about not being this perfect soul.

Sometimes I wonder if its even necessary (not even talking about possible) to change this kind of things. Like, I went through some dark sh*t and now thats who I am as a person, and I connect with people who are simillar to me, cause they atract me and can understand me. Why should I take the blame and want to change that?

Just wondering if anyone else have any thoughts about it? Cause I feel like there is this kind of conseption about realtionships and.. I dont know, I just think its wrong and it doesnt see the beauty in other things. Anyway thanks for reading Im just spilling my thoughts here.

 

[arfie]

i love the term, "trauma bonding." it fits. in my personal herstory, i believe my attraction to people who are "complicated" fit into two base motives. 1) totem pole blessings. when people start counting blessings, i am all too often the person they are glad they are not. i get weary of being on the bottom of the blessings pole, so i seek out people i can feel blessed that i am not them. as psychotic as that logic is, i count myself guilty of it on a subliminal level. second --at least in the beginning-- is my craving for the peer support i have since learned to look for in support groups rather than bar rooms. having another complicated person to sort those complications really can be helpful if all parties are dedicated to recovery.

Why should I take the blame and want to change that?

blame is not required to change anything. i do my honest best with what i have to work with believe it is unreasonable to expect more.
nor does changing the dysfunctional pieces require changing the inherent beauty and strength.

but that is me and every case is unique.
steadying support while you sort your own case.