Figuring things out - Overcoming Anxiety Leaving The House

[silverlinings1069]

I have had serious issues with leaving my house for the past 10 years. I recently began ART (i.e. EMDR) about 9 months ago. I am now leaving my house without panicking and actually running more than one errand at a time. Yay progress. Things are getting better on that front but...leaving my house for social stuff is still difficult. I think I know one of the reasons. I identify with people that do not categorize relationships. It is called relationship anarchy. I do like to label my relationships. I feel every one of my relationships are equally important to me. Anyway, this may be a product of my trauma or not. I actually do not need to know why I am this way I just am. And i accept it. And it feels really good to be able to figure it out. I have been trying to fit my round thinking into the worlds square box. This is such a huge epiphany for me. I have been fawning my entire life, for one reason or another, and now I can really focus on what I believe rather than trying to be something I am not. This is also huge because I have a hard time with boundaries and setting them. I am hoping this self understanding will allow me to move forward in my healing. Thank you for reading. Please take care of your self and happy new year!

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @silverlinings1069 that's such a major accomplishment well done.

 

[silverlinings1069]

Thank you so much. I feel relief like I have never felt before. I know this is not going to be easy but knowing is half the battle (yes I am quoting G.I. Joe the cartoon lol).

 

[Survivor3]

Your welcome, I can relate to running more than one errand at a time aswell. It's like... hey I've got the energy to go out, do as much as I can!

 

[silverlinings1069]

It is called relationship anarchy. I do like to label my relationships.

Okay, typo, I do NOT like to label my relationships. Thank goodness my boss is not on here. I edit papers for a living. LOL

 

[Friday]

It is called relationship anarchy. I do like to label my relationships. I feel every one of my relationships are equally important to me.

Just to make sure I’m understanding things correctly…

A person you met 5 minutes ago is equally important to you as (let’s say) your own child, and there is no difference between a lover, friend, a stranger, and an abuser? Everyone in your life is the same, full stop?

 

[silverlinings1069]

A person you met 5 minutes ago is equally important to you as (let’s say) your own child, and there is no difference between a lover, friend, a stranger, and an abuser? Everyone in your life is the same, full stop?

They are equally as important. They are not the same. Obviously, my son is not the same as someone I met yesterday. My relationship with each of them is very different but equally as important because each has something different to offer. (And yes I believe children can teach me things I don't know so they are important as well) I am not going to rush to save the stranger while my son lays dying. I know this is a strange concept. But it is more than just the above. I do not like the wife/husband concept. It's the concept the wife is below the husband in the hierarchy. I do not believe in this hierarchy (or any in relationships). The person I am with is my equal, not someone I am to follow and obey. My friend I have known forever is still just as important to me as the guy I may date tomorrow, but the guy I date tomorrow, will never become more important than my friend no matter what stage we take our relationship to. On the flip side, losing any relationship I have invested in hurts equally to me. Losing a man I dated for a time is just as painful as loosing a close friend. I do not differentiate between the losses. This is a link if you are interested. Relationship Anarchy: Introduction Guide - Attachment Project

This concept is for positive and beneficial people in my life. Just as you have good and bad relationships, so do I. For abusers, this is not the case. Bad people, mean people, truly evil people do not stay in my life for very long once I understand their true intentions. I want good, positive energy surrounding me.

I have tried many times to explain this to a now ex-partner. He wanted me to marry him and change my name and move in with him. Not going to happen. I will not marry ever again. I may never live with anyone again. Who knows? But I just do not label my relationships as boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, best friend, etc. I do not understand why everyone needs labels so much. As a female, so many expectations were put on me to match up. Be a pair. Have a title so you fit in. Find someone to take care of you. I do need a title nor do I want one. I am me.

Thank you for asking. I hope this helps. Please take care of yourself and happy new year.

 

[silverlinings1069]

I do need a title nor do I want one. I am me.

Oops, I meant I do not need a title..lol

 

[Sideways]

I don’t really see relationships in hierarchies, but their are very definitely different types of relationships. I’m not going to invite my boss to have a group dinner with my therapist, I’m not going to invite my therapist over for a romantic dinner, I’m not going to suggest to my partner that we meet once a month in an office and that he charge me $400 for the exercise.

That’s how labels help. Not making any one of those relationships more or less important than another, but simply to help differentiate them. Both in my own mind, and to help other people understand me better.

People know instantly that I may or may not be sexually intimate with someone depending on whether I refer to them as my therapist or friend or partner, whether they need to consider inviting them as well as me to their Christmas lunch, or whether it’s appropriate for them to suggest to me “dump them immediately” just because I tell them “our last session was really painful and extremely unhelpful”.

Labels are just words we use to understand the nature of a thing, and to communicate more effectively with each other. But social labels are rarely fixed - people have different understanding of the nuance of what those labels might mean to a person. For example, when you described marriages as having a hierarchy with the husband at the very top, I immediately thought “that’s a weird concept of marriage”. But, that is the concept that a lot of people have about marriage.

That variation of nuance can give rise to some very real issues, but isn’t a reason to abandon communication entirely…?

 

[silverlinings1069]

That variation of nuance can give rise to some very real issues, but isn’t a reason to abandon communication entirely…?

What do you mean abandon communication entirely?

 

[Sideways]

What do you mean abandon communication entirely?

As an example - just in your attempt to communicate what you mean about ‘relationship anarchy’, you had to use the descriptive words that define different types of relationships for it to have any meaning.

Relationship labels help us communicate with each other. If you stop using those words entirely, you’re going to limit your ability for people to understand you. Words are a communication tool, and on the internet, they’re the most effective tool we have.

You could substitute words for emojis, but short of that? The only way to communicate what you mean? Is to use the words that have meaning. Which is, labels.

Instead of saying “partner” to refer to the person you’re intimate with, you’d have to repeatedly refer to them as “the person I’m intimate with”. Which achieves nothing but confusion!

 

[silverlinings1069]

As an example - just in your attempt to communicate what you mean about ‘relationship anarchy’, you had to use the descriptive words that define different types of relationships for it to have any meaning.

Yes descriptive words not hierarchical. Partner. What do you think of - equal. Husband and wife. What do you think of - man then woman. (Think about how many marriages have problems because the wife makes more money the the husband. yes it can happen in any relationship regardless of titles.) I think that is arbitrary. It is not needed if you truly love someone. I do not use "best" friend. Not necessary for me. I do not need to let all of my friends know this one person is better than you. You are more than welcome to do that. Please feel free to use whatever terms make you feel comfortable. These are the terms that I feel comfortable using. All of my friends are my friends and each offer something. My partner is my partner. My lover is my lover. My friend is my friend. No hierarchical structure. The great thing is - I get to decide with that person what we want rather than try to fit into what regular society does.