Recovering After An Episode

[Jade-]

I just got over an extremely rough episode...again. And now I am so weak and exhausted, it kinda feels like recovering from the flu.

I have to take things slowly and build myself/strength back up. I have to make sure I eat well because I have no clue if or how much I have eaten in the past week that I was struggling. I'm wobbly on my feet, I feel foggy, dehydrated and disconnected. I'm exhausted mentally ,physically and spiritually, these episodes take it all from me and I am depleted.

Is that how others feel afterwards? Why does it happen?

And on top of it I feel extremely depressed and am beating myself up that I had such a bad episode again and will have to clean up the mess I have left behind because of my words and behavior towards others. I think that's the worst part of this. ,having to face the ones I care about the most. I tried to make amends with someone ,apologizing and explaining I would never intentionally want to hurt them with my words, that I had been triggered, and their response was "that's an excuse". I suppose it does just sound like I am making excuses for myself. There is no excuse for my cruel words. But I swear I try, I really, truly try my best but it's never good enough. I mean, in hindsight I can clearly see what I was triggered by and I can see how and why I went on the downward spiral but at the time, what was going on in my mind was reality to me. I couldn't tell the difference between then and now. I wasn't able to take a step back and think hmmm, I have been triggered and now I need to do specific things in order to ride this out.

And I hate myself right now for it. Like I always do. I'm just so tired of dealing with this PTSD bullshit. Anyone else feel this way too?

 

[LunaticOnTheFritz]

I am often exhausted from the stress of it. I am mad at myself if I say hateful things in the midst of it. At least now when I feel it coming on I can walk away and take my mouth with me.

A lot of times people think I'm being a bitch but I'm honestly not. I'm just too stressed and overwhelmed to think clearly and I tend to snap.

I go through periods where I don't wanna talk to anyone. I just wanna brood.

 

[Jade-]

Sometimes I can feel it coming on and can manage. Like, if someone raises their voice at me or says my name in a certain way, sometimes I can step back and recognize it as a trigger and that my body is reacting and I need to do this, this or this in order to put the brakes on. Those don't take long for me to recover from because they don't seem to last very long. I consider them 'slight' triggers and don't consider them episodes.

It's the huge triggers that just hit me like a ton of bricks and as fast as a panic attack hits ,like in a split second that get me. The ones where I just end up lost in somewhere-land without realizing I was triggered at all. The ones where what I am experiencing in the moment is my reality even though it isn't and is something from the past. Where I am in a flashback and that person near me, they're not who they are, they are someone from the past in my mind. They may not look the same but to me they are that abuser and they are going to harm me, they are going to kill me, I hate them, I have to get away from them, I must escape. I accuse them of trying to harm me, accuse them of all kinds of things and say such hurtful stuff. It's not like I realize I am saying and doing such stupid and hurtful things and will regret it later, at the time, my only mission is to survive. And the ones who do try to tell me it's my PTSD and I am spiraling or having an episode,, I can't absorb that info or even comprehend it at the time. Until the episode passes and then I am like whoa, that was so intense and can see it for what it really was.

I'm sure I seem batshit crazy to people when I am like that. I guess I am batshit crazy when I'm like that. And I absolutely hate it and have no clue how to stop it or control it. And afterwards I am so drained and it really does feel like I have had the flu and now need to build myself back up.

 

[LunaticOnTheFritz]

Yeah. I tend to rage when I get triggered. Scares me sometimes.

 

[Friday]

Is that how others feel afterwards? Why does it happen?

It depends on how symptomatic I am, and what else is going on in my life.

For example?

A) If I’m mostly asymptomatic, a single panic attack can take hours to get through, and days to recover from. But if I’m having many panic attacks a day? I get so practiced with managing them, that they only last seconds, with virtually no recovery time, and cause virtually no effect on my life.

B) Conversely, when my life is truly f*cked, I can spend 20+ hours a day being hit with back to back symptoms. Flashbacks, and panic attacks, and anxiety attacks, and nightmares, and brain fog, and dysreg, and flooding, and sleep dep, and, and, and. So exhausted & out of control & stressed that rather than being able to practice getting in control better/faster? I’m crushed under the barrage.

So, yep. Sometimes I feel like I just got hit by a truck, other times I’m barely affected at all. Sometimes the key is to get out in front of symptoms, and be working on getting in control & recovering faster; other times treading water is the best I can hope for, and the only traction I’ll find is by focusing on stress cup & life stuff.

The PTSD Rollercoaster!

 

[Survivor3]

I used to completely freak out at people aswell but I also used to drink heavily everyday aswell so it was a combination of trauma effects and the dreaded booze. Always felt so ashamed and embarrassed after. Haven't drank or smoked for nearly 4 years now so I stopped freaking out and do things everyday that help regulate me.

When I feel anxious feelings/panic etc... coming on I just distract myself with coping mechanisms that help ground/regulate me like a walk, going for a decaff coffee, lying down listening to music or reading. It works for me!

(Edit) my anxiety/panic attacks can last for several hours aswell.

 

[Jade-]

So, I have been told I need to find coping skills by my housing case manager. Duh,like I didn't already know that.

Actually though, I know I need to practice self care: get sleep, eat well, all the basics that I tend to ignore. But mostly I know I need to stop helping so many other people all the time and learn to say no. I help to the point where I will go without sleeping or eating just to do what others ask or expect of me.

I realize I base my worth on my ability to help/please others. While in the most recent spiral I probably got a total of 10 hours of sleep in a week. Everyone else was happy, I mean I did so much for all of them but look at what it did to me.

I don't know how to have any human relationships. I don't know how to not be this person that always jumps in to fix, to help, to do everything for anyone, even strangers. It's like I have this ingrained need to work for/be worthy of even existing. Or to just to be acknowledged as a human being.

Please don't just say to get therapy or work on it in therapy. I have done that ,worked on it, so many different times through the years. It just doesn't feel natural or normal to not have to earn my place in humanity. That may sound extreme but it's real.

 

[Friday]

It just doesn't feel natural or normal to not have to earn my place in humanity. That may sound extreme but it's real.

Then use it.

Become strong, confident, capable, dynamic, flexible, fierce, etc… all the things… that someone who is well rested, well nourished, capable of prioritising, is MUCH better at than someone who is acting like a half starved kicked puppy.

Seriously. USE the core belief to benefit YOU, which earns an even better place.

There are flip sides to every coin. Try using the strengths of the coin you already have. Come up with a short list of who you want to be, and then ask yourself …before saying yes to the next ask/demand… not if you CAN do it (you could probably do it half dead) but IF this ABC’s (strengthens, etc.) you? If not? Consider what it would take to do so? (After a meal and a good nights sleep? Then you can still say “yes”, but it’s a later-after instead of now-depriving).

 

[Jade-]

Hey @Friday ,good way of flipping it.

I like that.

 

[Friday]

Hey @Friday ,good way of flipping it.

I like that.

So I was watching Criminal Minds with my coffee this morning, and one of the main/ most beloved characters said something that caught my attention

“Yay! I’m so glad you pulled me aside!… As you know, helping is my kink.”



It struck me that it’s another way to conceptualize, with whole new tools / skill sets / strengths to take advantage of, and weaknesses to dodge & weave around. Because any kink can be a primarily wonderful or detrimental part of one’s life. All depending on how it’s handled, aware of, engaged with.

Don’t know if “Helping is my kink.” is something that might be useful to you, or not, but I thought about you when I heard it.

 

[oh!theperspicacity]

I'm just so tired of dealing with this PTSD bullshit. Anyone else feel this way too?

Yup. I don't understand how I'm supposed to recover, self regulate, 'do' self care etc when I can barely function because I'm so sleep deprived. Falling asleep is fine, I just can't stay asleep. Feels hopeless.

 

[FrancesLynch]

How is everything going?