I sometimes think I want to have sex with my rapist and it makes ashamed

[Cammy]

I’m 33F. I was raped twice when I was 9 years old by my friend/neighbor’s stepdad.
I don’t romanticize this or him - I have horrible nightmares about it and in the nightmares I’m just as scared as ever.
However, about 10 years ago I found him on Facebook and reached out to tell him that I remember what he did and that he ruined my life. He ignored me but didn’t block me. My current best friend and my husband each reached out over the years and he blocked them both, but not me. So sometimes I look at his page.
He makes me sick and makes a knot in my stomach.
But sometimes I just want to meet him and hear his voice again and know it was real and he is real.
Sometimes I imagine that I meet him and have consensual sex and that somehow it heals me.
We live in separate states so I would never organically run into him, which is great, but I don’t know why I have these thoughts.
My husband already thinks it’s weird that I won’t block him on Facebook, I could never tell him I have these thoughts.

 

[Friday]

Being in control… which is what this fantasy sounds like… doesn’t sound insane, at all. Instead? A completely normal/human/understandable desire. As opposed to rape. Which is neither sex, nor being in control.

It’s like the desire to learn self defense after an assault. IE “How could this situation be different?”
- Choosing to have sex = not rape AND being in control.

But? It IS a fantasy. A way for your mind to play with outcomes. Not reality.

They raped you. Choosing to have sex with them, at a later date? Doesn’t change the fact that they raped you. Even though the IDEA of it, the fantasy, soothes your senses. As this time? YOU would be in control. This time? Just. Doesn’t. Erase. Last. Time. Even if it really happened, much less if it’s a fantasy that helps deal with the past.

The fantasy? Isn’t uncommon. It happens. Because our minds are attempting to reconcile soooo many different things. But? Don’t buy into it as a real thing. It’s a “what if” thing. Yes. If you CHOSE to have sex with your rapist, it wouldn’t be rape. But? That’s not what happened.

 

[arfie]

i'll second @Friday's control theory. when i went through similar in my own case, i believe i was also attempting to "normalize" the trauma to make it "okay" that i had survived such horrific trauma. my own approach to calming this psycho tick was radical acceptance of the not-okayness of the trauma --may ^it^ never be okay in anybody's book-- and mindful processing of the residual uglies attached.

 

[Matth]

I’m 33F. I was raped twice when I was 9 years old by my friend/neighbor’s stepdad.
I don’t romanticize this or him - I have horrible nightmares about it and in the nightmares I’m just as scared as ever.
However, about 10 years ago I found him on Facebook and reached out to tell him that I remember what he did and that he ruined my life. He ignored me but didn’t block me. My current best friend and my husband each reached out over the years and he blocked them both, but not me. So sometimes I look at his page.
He makes me sick and makes a knot in my stomach.
But sometimes I just want to meet him and hear his voice again and know it was real and he is real.
Sometimes I imagine that I meet him and have consensual sex and that somehow it heals me.
We live in separate states so I would never organically run into him, which is great, but I don’t know why I have these thoughts.
My husband already thinks it’s weird that I won’t block him on Facebook, I could never tell him I have these thoughts.

Hi, Cammy.
I don’t think I have any advice or insight further than what @Friday has said regarding control and acceptance of what really happened.
But I just wanted to let you know that I see you, and I understand. The anxiety is overwhelming, all that fear and pain that seems to take over everything. And the comfort the fantasy provides is like this acutely hopeless desire that maybe something, anything could erase what happened to you.
The fact that it so sharply butts heads with your fear and revulsion of him is probably troubling you further and adding to the guilt or shame. But it’s nothing to be ashamed about. I want you to know that.

 

[Plumcage]

I’m 33F. I was raped twice when I was 9 years old by my friend/neighbor’s stepdad.
I don’t romanticize this or him - I have horrible nightmares about it and in the nightmares I’m just as scared as ever.
However, about 10 years ago I found him on Facebook and reached out to tell him that I remember what he did and that he ruined my life. He ignored me but didn’t block me. My current best friend and my husband each reached out over the years and he blocked them both, but not me. So sometimes I look at his page.
He makes me sick and makes a knot in my stomach.
But sometimes I just want to meet him and hear his voice again and know it was real and he is real.
Sometimes I imagine that I meet him and have consensual sex and that somehow it heals me.
We live in separate states so I would never organically run into him, which is great, but I don’t know why I have these thoughts.
My husband already thinks it’s weird that I won’t block him on Facebook, I could never tell him I have these thoughts.

Hey cammy, I have had similar thoughts and feelings about wanting to have sex with my abuser too. I thought I could just ignore it and it go away but it doesn’t. I struggled with it for a while and felt ashamed and guilty, as I also have a significant other. But I agree with the other comments and think this is a normal part of the process for healing. The mind works in mysterious ways but I’m here to tell you that you are not alone! Happy healing to the both of us