Recently Diagnosed With PTSD, Now My Head's A Real Mess

[freakofnurture]

My name's Christine. I'm from Germany and I hope my English grammar/spelling isn't too horrible -.-

I'm a sufferer of PTSD. I've been in therapy for depression since 2005 and my diagnosis used to be a combination of different personality disorders. It's only recently that I realised that the behaviour my father has displayed towards me even since before I was born was physical and emotional abuse. It's still hard for me to accept that because it means that my mom (who is or seems to be a great, loving, thoughtful mother in every other respect) did nothing to protect me from him. She still talks about it as if it were a collection of normal, funny family anecdotes and finds excuses for my father. But my symptoms speak for themselfs. No attachment to my parents, no trust, bad dreams, years of bedwetting, severe sleeping problems since infanthood, no friends, complete withdrawal into books, self-hatred and self-injury, depression, suicidal ideation, fear of other people, fear of being touched, etc.

I'm still trying to come to terms with my 'new' history. I'm not having any contact with my parents atm and I'm really relieved about that. I moved out at age 19 and have hated going back to my home town since then. I used to wonder why ô.o
I feel like I need to find new words to refer to my parents, my family and myself. And I feel like I have to do something, work on this thing, figure out, think through, evaluate my feelings... But it's not good for me. Not now. Still I can't stop picking at this wound to see if it's still there, if it still hurts, if it's still true, if the 'before' really doesn't come back. It feels like I need a new identity, or at least part of a new one.
And that's why I'm here, partially. I don't know if I will acutally be active here or if I'll just lurk around and end up having my account deleted for inactivity. I'm really fidgety after having read some threads here. My head's a mess.
My Husband/boyfriend of eight years is a great help. He still needs to understand some things about me and my symptoms, though. Maybe he'll read here a bit, too, but he's lazy and wants me to explain all this stuff to him.
Well, that's that... Okay.

 

[amethist]

Hi Christine

Welcome to the forum.

Your English is just fine. Easy to read and it all makes perfect sense.

Your head will be in a mess for a while, but it will get easier as you learn how to manage your symptoms better.

It will be far easier for you, if husband makes the effort to spend some time reading the articles and some explanations for himself. A lot less stressful for you trying to explain and get him to understand somethings that he seems to be struggling with now.

Take it slowly and just read bits at a time, reply to posts as you want to and ask any questions you need answering.

Take care and good luck.

Amethist

 

[changed]

Hi Christine,

Welcome to the forum. Im new here too. I can relate to what you are going through with your family, I have a similar situation but with my mother. I always knew we had issues with each other but it was not until i started therapy that i realised how bad my issues related to her were. EMDR made me process alot of old memories. I understand your confussion- its hard to know whats going on, with therapy things are starting to become clearer for me and seeing the links in the chain has made things a little easier. I hope things will become clearer for you in time.

Take care and welcome

 

[Nighthawk]

Hi,
I am new here too, everying you have written about I can relate too.
I hope the new information that you are recognizing computes quickly.


Good luck and welcome

 

[ISupportHer]

Welcome to the forum.

I have to admit, I was looking at who is logged in and saw your user name and I just had to look at what you had to say. There is a thread that asked those who could, to explain why they picked their name here. There are some touching stories. I can only imagine yours.

Welcome. I hope you find support, friendship and help in your journey to healing.

Perhaps you have already realized that much of what you say, others have experienced. No matter what the trauma. The hurt you describe. The feelings toward your parents, reservations about opening up and posting, the reaction or maybe lack of reaction from your partner. All are very real to you, intimate feelings to you, yet you will find others that seem to have walked stride for stride with you in many respects. I hope you are able to communicate with others that may help by explaining THEIR journey.

We all "get it" here.

ISH

 

[Muncher72]

You Are Not Alone

Just read your post and I got chills. So much of what you are experiencing is shared by so many others with PTSD. You are not alone in your pain.

Many of us, including me, can relate to you situation. To me it feels safe coming here to these rooms because I feel less ''freakish'' because I know others are SURVIVING their own traumas as well, and are going through, or have experienced the same set of emotions as I.

I hope you continue to come back and look through some of the threads. In a nut shell.......welcome.

 

[freakofnurture]

Thanks to all of you for your kind replies.
It's good to hear from people who just accept and value my feelings and my perspective on my parents. I had a phone conversation with a close friend of my parent's five minutes ago; she had a really hard time growing up, too, so she could relate to a lot of things I told her, still every time she said something along the lines of 'you have to see your father's perspective here...' I felt like my feelings/perspective were being invalidated. I know she gave me no reason to feel like this and it's kind of shocking to see how awfully vulnerable I am in certain spots. It's unnerving.
And now I'm kind of beating myself up for having told her so many details, or even anything at all. I want so badly to get through to my mother that I undress my psyche in front of people whom I don't really know that well.

@ISupportHer: You know the term 'freak of nature' and that there's a constant debate within developmental psychology if it's nature or nurture 'determining' a certain personality trait? Well, I feel like a freak for many reasons, the main one being the severe attachment disorder that's a part of me since I was a baby, and since nature didn't make me so (I flatter myself with the idea that I was born a psychologically intact infant), I clearly am a freak of nurture.

 

[ISupportHer]

Thanks for the explaination. Yes I knew the term, just wondered about your story and why you picked the name.

Just for the record, I don't really know you but I don't see you as a freak. Yes, you have had a hard time and if your friends won't validate those feelings, I will. You are here and that is an important step. Now for the next step(s), right?

ISH

 

[freakofnurture]

Maybe you'd see the freak if you knew me well. I could tell stories... oh my. But you're right. Next step. Like... lurk moar, I guess.

 

[freakofnurture]

Hey, I'm kind of reporting back. Been away for quite a while, had some in-patient treatment which will be continued soon.
The three weeks at the hospital were really educational for me. I was part of a group that's supposed to focus on diagnosis, and I was only in there because it was the fastest way to get into in-patient treatment (I desperately needed to do something, anything). So, there was this little sunshine girl who talked about how accepted she felt in the group and how she feels so understood by the people in the group, while people in the 'outside world' just don't 'get' depression etc. That was such an enormous downer, because the people in my group didn't get me, neither. They were as taken aback by my fear of them, my aggression and my tendency to withdraw socially as people 'outside'.
And then my therapist told me "It must be hard to be as different from other people as you are." I don't know if she wanted some kind of reaction, showing that I'm acting up in order to separate myself from other people or if she actually meant it. Still it was pretty hard to hear something like that from a psychotherapist.

Please, guys, girls, tell me that you, too, feel like a freak, that you're as much an outsider in in-patient treatement as you are in real life. I feel so out of place, so alien, different, not belonging, wrong, separate, strange, lost, like I cannot identify with anybody around me, like no one around me can identify with me...
I can't be the only person in the world who is afraid of other people, prefers to be left alone with her own thoughts and has an attachment disorder that keeps her from forming meaningful emotional bonds with other people.

 

[zelda]

Christine, I've never been in an inpatient facility, so I don't know what it feels like to feel like an outsider in that setting. I certainly know what it feels like to be an outsider in the rest of the world. I just always knew I was different. There was me and then there were other people. In hindsight, it's a little like the times that I've lived in other countries. Even when people were wonderful and welcoming, you know that you're a foreigner and may not know what to do next.

I feel a little less so now, partly because I've found others who are "like me" and partly because I've become more open about telling others what my world is like. Ironically, being more open has helped me find more people like us, and they are relieved to be found.

You are isolated, but you are not the only one. And, for the record, I know how irritating Susy Sunshine people can be when I'm being Cynical Cindy or Cut-the-crap Cathy.

Hang in there, okay?
Zelda

 

[anthony]

Hi Christine...

• Group therapy can be difficult if placed with those with a lesser disorder, actually often the case... far better to have like diagnosis and severity in the same group.
• You're not a freak for what comes with PTSD.
• You can change it all though with work, please remember that, as your words tend to imply towards you have talked yourself into this at a much worse / permanent basis, from reading "prefers to be left alone with her own thoughts and has an attachment disorder that keeps her from forming meaningful emotional bonds". Is this what you want? To be left alone and not have any emotional bonded relationship with people? If your thoughts aren't shared, then how do you expect to improve?