Death Death of relative, Guilt.

[chai]

Sometimes I google images of dead people.



My grandmother died recently. I saw her body. My relatives were crying, but I wasn’t. Her adopted daughter was just sobbing. It was so weird. After it was all over, I cried at night when no one was looking, because I was scolded for crying as a child and I’m afraid to show it. When I looked at images of corpses on the internet, on the one hand I wanted to evoke some kind of feeling in myself, but on the other hand it calmed me down. Because I thought about my grandmother, and I knew what was happening to her body. This probably sounds really weird, I’m sorry. I don’t know why it calms me down. It’s like getting closer to the nature of death, its reality in all its ugly details, makes it easier to accept. I hate the “they are alive in our hearts.” They are dead. My grandmother’s personality no longer exists. She has ceased to exist. But her body is rotting in the grave. I hate myself, I should have done more for her. But no one ever taught me how. I didn't know how. I hate myself. She was innocent. I should've done more. She was my friend, but I realised that only after her death. I hate myself. I know I'm not the reason she died, but I feel like I am.

 

[Sideways]

This probably sounds really weird, I’m sorry. I don’t know why it calms me down. It’s like getting closer to the nature of death, its reality in all its ugly details, makes it easier to accept.

It doesn’t sound weird.

We’re most of us familiar with bodies being covered up and taken away once a person dies. But actually, death in different cultures around the world, and throughout the millennia, have handled death very differently to that. What you’re doing, and thinking, sounds like a very normal, modern take on a very typical grieving process.

I hate myself, I should have done more for her. But no one ever taught me how. I didn't know how. I hate myself. She was innocent. I should've done more.

She was your grandmother - it’s okay that you didn’t ‘do more’.

For all of us, I think, there are very similar thoughts when a loved one dies. I experienced the same thing when I lost the last 2 of my grandparents. Again, a very natural part of the grieving process.

Once grieving eases, this can become opportunity and growth, rather than regret and self-loathing. For example, for me those thoughts highlighted for me that I need to invest more energy in the relationships that matter to me. Those relationships are the very best part of being alive and being human. There will be important relationships for me again in the future, and I’m determined to learn, from the loss of my grandad in particular, to be more invested in friendship when I find it.

 

[arfie]

empathy, chai. i have had to dance with the gnarly demon of guilt during every one of the grieving curves i have processed. with my 71st birthday on the near horizon, that equals allot of demonic dances. by leaning ever so gently into the grief, i often find myself with a deeper understanding of that guilt and healing happens. emphasis on, "ever so gently." obsessing starts a downward spiral which can circle all the way to feeling guilty for the deaths of terrorists killing babies in far off lands. easy does it. be gentle with yourself and patient with the process.

 

[Friday]

Grief effects different people… differently.

Overt displays of emotion in public are just one of dozens of ways people relate to & respond to grief (and CAN be the most shallow / uninvolved / emotionless, although not necessarily, it’s more likely that those displaying grief -in socially acceptable ways- will be effected the least BY the actual grief itself). People suffering the most profound grief? Rarely make public appearances at funerals, as they’re too busy being dead themselves, or are locked up for their own protection or the protection of others, or are medicated to a faretheewell, or, or, or. Crying vs Not Crying? In public? Is mediocre expression of grief, at best. Private/Unviewed is a far better barometer, but even then? It’s still extremely varied. As grief affects different people… differently. As is how people choose to display themselves. Someone who has just murdered 6 people in their blinding uncontrolled grief, in private, may well just shed a few photogenic tears in public. Or be absolutely still, calm. Meanwhile someone crying prettily in public, may well be pure joy in private. Or, or, or, or. What people do when other people are looking at them? Is maaaaaybe 8% useful in knowing how they actually FEEL.

I should have done more for her. But no one ever taught me how. I didn't know how.

So what does that look like? What would you teach others?

 

[Susan Jane]

My relatives were crying, but I wasn’t. Her adopted daughter was just sobbing. It was so weird. After it was all over, I cried at night when no one was looking, because I was scolded for crying as a child and I’m afraid to show it.

It seems you did have a reaction, and were not able to articulate it, in the way others did. Be kind too yourself, everyone has a way to cope... you are not weird, you are human. BTW I have a lot of things I find weird about myself, but when I listen to other people's experiences I realize more and more I am my worst critic. There is no book of rules that fits, only the ones we were taught through society, and I often question them, because they do not feel right, for me, and that is okay.