Relationship with mom is fading

[Fallfox984]

I have a lot of trauma from my parents' separation when I was a preteen. My dad had an affair and left our family, and my mom kind of just lost it for awhile after that. Before my dad's affair, he and I were really close, and I could feel that he loved me a lot. Afterwards, he became really distant and cold, and I have a lot of hurtful memories from those days. I stayed mostly with my mom, who parentified me. In many ways, I became her mom. We were really close though, and up through my early twenties, I considered her my best friend. As I've gotten older though, I've realized that she only reaches out to me if she needs something, or if she can pour all of her struggles out to me so that she can emotionally regulate. About a year ago I stated setting boundaries with the help of my therapist. I'd hoped this would help us have a more reciprocal relationship, but that's mostly resulted in me never hearing from her. I feel really heartbroken and ashamed that this has happened again, with another parent.

My mom was kind of all I had for some sort of parental presence (my dad is still very distant although I tried to make that relationship better as well). Without a relationship with either of my parents, it feels like the floor has fallen out from under me. I feel untethered, like I'm just floating with nothing to anchor to. I feel the same deep emptiness I've always felt, just more. It's just hard to confirm what I've been feeling, which is that I mostly just served a purpose for my mom. Even though I know better, it's hard not to think about what I did wrong or how I should be trying harder to make things work. I just feel really sad.

 

[Movingforward10]

It's totally understandable that you feel sad. It is very sad that parents can't love their children in ways that their children need.

For different reasons, I've had to face similar. To accept that the lack of love is about them and has not reflection of my worth.

I'm sorry you feel floating with no anchor. I understand that, not because I had an anchor through a parent but because I have always said and felt that I have had no foundations and always felt floating. It's an unsettling feeling. I think the way to address that is to make new anchors.

Radical acceptance. Grieving. And, what I am currently learning, saying what you need to do either parent. That has helped me recently. Not to expect a positive response, or expect things to get better, but just to express what you need so that they know how you feel. Hand back any shame or heavy weight that you are carrying around. Because they aren't yours to hold.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I totally get the floating around without an anchor part I literally have depersonalization/ derealization from childhood stuff even though I don't think I suffered enough compared to everyone else but when growing up I never felt I could rely on either for support and just didn't didn't want to follow in their footsteps even though I didn't think they're bad people. Asking for support if something I'll never do even if it kills me. ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

 

[arfie]

About a year ago I stated setting boundaries with the help of my therapist. I'd hoped this would help us have a more reciprocal relationship, but that's mostly resulted in me never hearing from her.

in my personal herstory, this seems to be fairly standard when i make radical changes in my relationships. since i was the one who initiated the changes, i believe it is my responsibility to initiate ways to move forward. i have had especially satisfying results from initiating the flavors of conversation i have wished for.

I feel really heartbroken and ashamed that this has happened again, with another parent.

my spider senses suggest this story is not over. may the next chapter of the story hold pleasant surprises. just hoping. it's what you do next that counts. love is not about being perfect. it's about working things out.

 

[Friday]

I'd hoped this would help us have a more reciprocal relationship, but that's mostly resulted in me never hearing from her.

So boundaries caused the opposite of what you wanted to happen. Has there been any benefit / is there any reason to keep them? If not, I would completely reevaluate those boundaries. (Boundaries are NOT what you do to get someone else to do what you want; boundaries are what YOU do, when someone does something you don’t like. Yes. That can sooooooometimes, rarely, manipulate someone into doing what you want. Super rare. Boundaries are like leaping away when a drunk starts to pee on you. Having boundaries, means you don’t get pissed on. They don’t convince drunks to pee in toilets. If you want a drunk to piss in a toilet? You do different things than leaping away, and going about your business). If so, (the boundaries you’ve been enforcing have some to major benefit) then you’ve solved one problem, but still have at least a one or more problems left to solve. As the bad thing is curtailed, but the good thing hasn’t happened. Yet.

 

[Ecdysis]

Sorry you're struggling with this. I can really relate too.

I've seen this a lot with ppl from an abusive or neglectful childhood - I call it the "less bad parent" thing.

To survive, children in bad situations will cling to their "less bad parent" and will go into denial about that parent's issues, because they have to cling to *someone* to survive.

Accepting the reality that both parents deeply failed us is very painful but can also be deeply healing if you go through the whole process.

 

[littleoc]

Sorry you're struggling with this. I can really relate too.

I've seen this a lot with ppl from an abusive or neglectful childhood - I call it the "less bad parent" thing.

To survive, children in bad situations will cling to their "less bad parent" and will go into denial about that parent's issues, because they have to cling to *someone* to survive.

Accepting the reality that both parents deeply failed us is very painful but can also be deeply healing if you go through the whole process.

Thank you for saying this. I found it helpful -- I think I went through this, too.