I Visited a Dominatrix , and gave me Trauma

[OM_™]

it was all due to Curiosity , watching is one thing

Curiosity nearly killed this cat as a young boy and adolescent — I'm 69 years old now. A few months ago I was with my wife a my son having a quiet birthday dinner, the waitress looking after my table, innocently quipped and winked, wow 69 that's a really nice number. I laughed but deep down inside it triggered an internal stress response that made me feel like a 12-year-old about to be raped.

I found 2-3 trauma informed therapists but when the talk therapy was no longer effective I tried (unsuccessfully) antidepressants. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and I am now on appropriate medications which I sort of wish I had found when I was 20-30yo. Two psychiatrists have confirmed MDD, CPTSD and ADHD with my ADHD being responsible for my impulsive behaviour. I haven't been diagnosed with OCD but it was suggested by one of my psychiatrists.

.. , i watched vanilla for years until i saw ( Femdom , Dominatrix , Slave , Humiliation , Prostate , An%l , play ) , i get a pleasure watching it but i never in my entire life thought i would act on it

Another problem with me was pornography. I was exposed to sexual images as a 6yo boy and throughout my entire life I struggled with the distinction between fantasy and reality. You have to find where those boundaries are for you: I crossed those boundaries at a very young age and my impulsiveness (ADHD) got me into so much trouble and unbearable shame. For me it was not wise to trust my own judgement because the boundaries were blurred (muddy and dark). It seems that you are having similar issues with that fantasy/reality boundary. You can watch a historical war movie without ever going to war; you can watch a pornographic movie (...insert your kink here!) without ever acting on what you see. I still look at and enjoy pornography but it's important for me to know and be comfortable with the choices I have made.

Asus, it sounds as if you have transgressed your own boundaries so you are now wiser. Don't let shame dominate your life. Find out if you have ADHD or even OCD*. Connect with a good therapist. Take care!

* OCD can mentally turn your 'mistakes' into a repetitive movie-loop that feeds your feelings of shame.

 

[Asus]

What's behind feeling ashamed of yourself as a man? Where do those feelings and beliefs stem from?

it comes from traditional views a grew up with and believe in , but i put myself in a place of discomfort emasculating like trying An@l Play , for the 1st time in a BDSM theme it felt weird , and hard to overcome and live with doing something this freaky lol , Morally and Mentally and personally its not for Me , But as a Fantasy watching videos its fine i dont care

they say who dabbles in Femdom play either has
1- Mommy Mother issues
2- or puts the other Gender on a pedestal like worship
3- or just Rarely is in contact with the other Gender
4-or just a genuine masochist who gets pleasure from pain

i am simply attracted to the Female energy i do believe that God gave women the power to Heal Broken Men

Curiosity nearly killed this cat as a young boy and adolescent — I'm 69 years old now. A few months ago I was with my wife a my son having a quiet birthday dinner, the waitress looking after my table, innocently quipped and winked, wow 69 that's a really nice number. I laughed but deep down inside it triggered an internal stress response that made me feel like a 12-year-old about to be raped.

I found 2-3 trauma informed therapists but when the talk therapy was no longer effective I tried (unsuccessfully) antidepressants. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and I am now on appropriate medications which I sort of wish I had found when I was 20-30yo. Two psychiatrists have confirmed MDD, CPTSD and ADHD with my ADHD being responsible for my impulsive behaviour. I haven't been diagnosed with OCD but it was suggested by one of my psychiatrists.


Another problem with me was pornography. I was exposed to sexual images as a 6yo boy and throughout my entire life I struggled with the distinction between fantasy and reality. You have to find where those boundaries are for you: I crossed those boundaries at a very young age and my impulsiveness (ADHD) got me into so much trouble and unbearable shame. For me it was not wise to trust my own judgement because the boundaries were blurred (muddy and dark). It seems that you are having similar issues with that fantasy/reality boundary. You can watch a historical war movie without ever going to war; you can watch a pornographic movie (...insert your kink here!) without ever acting on what you see. I still look at and enjoy pornography but it's important for me to know and be comfortable with the choices I have made.

Asus, it sounds as if you have transgressed your own boundaries so you are now wiser. Don't let shame dominate your life. Find out if you have ADHD or even OCD*. Connect with a good therapist. Take care!

* OCD can mentally turn your 'mistakes' into a repetitive movie-loop that feeds your feelings of shame.

WOW The LAST thing You Wrote which is (( * OCD can mentally turn your 'mistakes' into a repetitive movie-loop that feeds your feelings of shame.))
is 100% What i am going through for 10 Months now , when ever i am Alone Thoughts keep Looping and looping and looping making me feel weird about Myself and what i have done ( Like oh what Kind of Man goes to a Dominatrix and does KINKY THINGS like Candle wax , Blindfold , Specially ( An#l Play , it screwed my head Real bad as Straight Male ) are you really a Respected man if you do something like that ?!?!?!?!, and if only people knew what i did would they think of me .........on and on and on its a NIGHTMARE from the 7th circle of Hell lol

i have seen macho 70 year old Mobster looking men who Tried An#l with their wives using toys and admitted that in public on yet they seem unbothered by it at all , i did this thing Privately yet i am Deeply ashamed of it , and its simply not for me Morally and Personally

Again it was all about curiosity , it was ONE AND DONE kind of experiment , its just one of many things you can do in the Bedroom with a Woman (Vanilla , Kinky , Normal ) etc....


and i really appereciate the story you had with the waitress even at your Age you can still get Triggers and go back to the past the mind is a tricky thing , also i agree with the seperation bewtween Reality and Fantasy , cuz liking something as a Fantasy on video does not mean you are going to like it in Real Life its totally different

 

[Asus]

I want to say i am Glad i found this Forum its like Confessing , after 10 months of PURE HELL IN MY HEAD , i apologies if i take forever to Reply , i like taking my time to read and think and HEAL , and from the bottom if my heart i appreciate every reply , It really Helps to Let All the words and thoughts off My CHEST ,

it really helps to Share thoughts and not feel like i am Alone so dont mind us if we talk about Adult or Graphic things it just Helps to HEAL , SHARE WITH OTHERS NOT FEELING ALONE SOMEONE OUTHERE CAN HEAR ME AND GUIDE ME AND TELLS ME ITS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES WE ARE NOT ANGELS WE ARE NOT PERFECT WE ARE SIMPLY HUMAN BEINGS AND WE CAN REDEEM OURSELVES AND BECOME BETTER , RIGHT NOW I AM HELPING PEOPLE , STARNGERS ON THE STREET WHO NEED MONEY because it makes me Feel better and a Redeemable Human ,

 

[Asus]

hearing different experiences and Opinions is good step for HEALING
I would like to Know how did you guys if anyone practiced ?
1- LETTING GO of the Past
2- How to Get rid of Shame
3-How to deal with Triggers that just come from watching movies or Games or even Songs ? cuz when i get Trigger i just want to Delete the Song or stop watching or Playing this Game or Movie because it somehow connects Trigger to my Event or Shame

 

[Asus]

BTW how do i Edit my replies to others , because i want to censor or change words and foul language ?

 

[Asus]

Sorry if i said Foul Adult Language
its not easy for me to share this stuff i am sorry if i am way too HONEST and straight to the point about what did , because i just dont want to keep Any Secrets .


its Funny because this happened 10 Months Ago in 2024 , i can 100% say that 2024 was the worst year in terms of things not going my way and my mental Health was at its Lowest, maybe taht lead me to do Weird BDSM stuff and not care about myself like a Zombie

but i feel like things are getting better now ........................!

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:

BTW how do i Edit my replies to others , because i want to censor or change words and foul language ?

As your posting history increases, a short editing window will become available to you.

When you have questions like this, post them in Contact. It prevents the questions getting lost or overlooked, and allows us to answer them without highjacking the thread.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

Sorry if i said Foul Adult Language
its not easy for me to share this stuff i am sorry if i am way too HONEST and straight to the point about what did , because i just dont want to keep Any Secrets .


its Funny because this happened 10 Months Ago in 2024 , i can 100% say that 2024 was the worst year in terms of things not going my way and my mental Health was at its Lowest, maybe taht lead me to do Weird BDSM stuff and not care about myself like a Zombie

but i feel like things are getting better now ........................!

here is the space to be clear and honest about our trauma/life experiences, there is no issue saying it how it is :)

do you think there could have been an aspect of self-punishment in making the decision to do that? i bring it up because you said about not caring for yourself during that time. putting yourself in the position to experience something degrading can be part of self-punishment, even if we don’t realise it.

i have a lot of self-punishing behaviours that i have found hard to see that way in the past. i also returned to one of my abusers in an act of self-punishment and suffered badly because of it.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

How to deal with Triggers that just come from watching movies or Games or even Songs ? cuz when i get Trigger i just want to Delete the Song or stop watching or Playing this Game or Movie because it somehow connects Trigger to my Event or Shame

Do you know anything about grounding exercises?

 

[Asus]

Do you know anything about grounding exercises?

not really would love to hear about it

here is the space to be clear and honest about our trauma/life experiences, there is no issue saying it how it is :)

do you think there could have been an aspect of self-punishment in making the decision to do that? i bring it up because you said about not caring for yourself during that time. putting yourself in the position to experience something degrading can be part of self-punishment, even if we don’t realise it.

i have a lot of self-punishing behaviours that i have found hard to see that way in the past. i also returned to one of my abusers in an act of self-punishment and suffered badly because of it.

iam not sure but i would like to move on Accept it and leave it there in the past

 

[Dave Ryan]

i am not sure but i would like to move on Accept it and leave it there in the past

I've not got much to add here, being relatively new to the site myself, but I thought I'd chip in to let you know you're not alone in dealing with these types of issues. It's hard to deal with feelings of humiliation and degradation, but I've found this site to be very helpful so far. I hope you will too.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm wondering if this experience and how you feel about it is actually a symptom and not the original cause?
Because, on the face of it, engaging in something you then don't like, is usually ok in moving on. Putting it to one of life's lessons and getting on with living.
But there is something deeper going on that this has stirred up for you.
Do you have a therapist?

In terms of practical tips, and these are more CBT related you can practice various things. Like what I said in one of my earlier posts. Thought stopping, journalling, and reframing.
You're giving yourself lots of messages that are then giving yourself a lot of shame.
Why would anal play be emasculating?
Why would shame be attached to it?
Those are beliefs that you can change. They aren't true. Someone else would think the total opposite.
It's your choice to believe what you wish.

Slightly off topic but you said you believe women have been given by god the ability to heal broken men. That is also a belief. One that I absolutely don't believe in. The only people who can heal people are those individual people who need to be healed. With support from people who are able to help. There is no gender in that. And there is no 'broken' in that.
You , like we all are on this site, are responsible for your healing. It absolutely sucks! Because , gosh, I wish someone could just take my pain away. But the only person that keeps that pain in my head and the only person who can change my thoughts that perpetuate that pain, is me. Same as you.

Do try practising some techniques. They do take practice. But, all you need it one technique to manage a trigger and then it is managed.

And they can be managed. I have done things I never thought able to on my healing journey. I have even gone to the site of some of my trauma and been absolutely fine. Something unthinkable before.
So, with practice, you will be able to over come your current triggers.