I Visited a Dominatrix , and gave me Trauma

[Asus]

I'm wondering if this experience and how you feel about it is actually a symptom and not the original cause?
Because, on the face of it, engaging in something you then don't like, is usually ok in moving on. Putting it to one of life's lessons and getting on with living.
But there is something deeper going on that this has stirred up for you.
Do you have a therapist?

In terms of practical tips, and these are more CBT related you can practice various things. Like what I said in one of my earlier posts. Thought stopping, journalling, and reframing.
You're giving yourself lots of messages that are then giving yourself a lot of shame.
Why would anal play be emasculating?
Why would shame be attached to it?
Those are beliefs that you can change. They aren't true. Someone else would think the total opposite.
It's your choice to believe what you wish.

Slightly off topic but you said you believe women have been given by god the ability to heal broken men. That is also a belief. One that I absolutely don't believe in. The only people who can heal people are those individual people who need to be healed. With support from people who are able to help. There is no gender in that. And there is no 'broken' in that.
You , like we all are on this site, are responsible for your healing. It absolutely sucks! Because , gosh, I wish someone could just take my pain away. But the only person that keeps that pain in my head and the only person who can change my thoughts that perpetuate that pain, is me. Same as you.

Do try practising some techniques. They do take practice. But, all you need it one technique to manage a trigger and then it is managed.

And they can be managed. I have done things I never thought able to on my healing journey. I have even gone to the site of some of my trauma and been absolutely fine. Something unthinkable before.
So, with practice, you will be able to over come your current triggers.

thanks for the reply , i dont have a therapist , would be nice to

Generally i jumped into a world blindly did not think of the Consequences , did not expect to feel like this afterwards
and i just want to Heal and Move on . i really understand now when people say pornography can be dangerous

 

[Asus]

Reftaming does sound like a good strategy

 

[Asus]

I'm wondering if this experience and how you feel about it is actually a symptom and not the original cause?
Because, on the face of it, engaging in something you then don't like, is usually ok in moving on. Putting it to one of life's lessons and getting on with living.
But there is something deeper going on that this has stirred up for you.
Do you have a therapist?

In terms of practical tips, and these are more CBT related you can practice various things. Like what I said in one of my earlier posts. Thought stopping, journalling, and reframing.
You're giving yourself lots of messages that are then giving yourself a lot of shame.
Why would anal play be emasculating?
Why would shame be attached to it?
Those are beliefs that you can change. They aren't true. Someone else would think the total opposite.
It's your choice to believe what you wish.

Slightly off topic but you said you believe women have been given by god the ability to heal broken men. That is also a belief. One that I absolutely don't believe in. The only people who can heal people are those individual people who need to be healed. With support from people who are able to help. There is no gender in that. And there is no 'broken' in that.
You , like we all are on this site, are responsible for your healing. It absolutely sucks! Because , gosh, I wish someone could just take my pain away. But the only person that keeps that pain in my head and the only person who can change my thoughts that perpetuate that pain, is me. Same as you.

Do try practising some techniques. They do take practice. But, all you need it one technique to manage a trigger and then it is managed.

And they can be managed. I have done things I never thought able to on my healing journey. I have even gone to the site of some of my trauma and been absolutely fine. Something unthinkable before.
So, with practice, you will be able to over come your current triggers.

i tried to practice reframing , its one of the best i think we got something going here

changing my belief or idea or my view about something , looking at it differently not Good or bad

just unconditionally , you are right why attach shame to something , Humans are different , you can be manly or sports or military man
and be curious about exploring something New , you never done before , being adventurous , you enjoyed it with your wife / partner good for you ,
did not like it , dont do it again and move on .., but ....still need more time ...

it feels like there is a bully in my head that keeps shaming me

 

[Movingforward10]

Glad to see reframing is helping. It really helps me.

it feels like there is a bully in my head that keeps shaming me

Yeah, that bully is the worst. Mine is still in my head, but much much more quiet and containable. Sometimes it will flare up, but mostly it listens to me 'nope, not going down that road, it doesn't help me' counter message I give it.

 

[Mach123]

Hey I understand this totally. It’s about the men and being accepted as a man and only the men understand this IMHO. The women just don’t feel like this in general. They don’t kill themselves over honor, which is common amongst the men.

So

I can’t give you any direct advice. You could read my stuff I suppose . Shared suffering never helped me much but believe me I understand.

 

[Asus]

Hey I understand this totally. It’s about the men and being accepted as a man and only the men understand this IMHO. The women just don’t feel like this in general. They don’t kill themselves over honor, which is common amongst the men.

So

I can’t give you any direct advice. You could read my stuff I suppose . Shared suffering never helped me much but believe me I understand.

i am Glad you understand where i a come from , its like a Pride thing yes exactly , How Men should Behave and how Men Act

Glad to see reframing is helping. It really helps me.


Yeah, that bully is the worst. Mine is still in my head, but much much more quiet and containable. Sometimes it will flare up, but mostly it listens to me 'nope, not going down that road, it doesn't help me' counter message I give it.

Sir you practiced reframing with is great , how do you calm that voice down ? and not let it affect you as much ?
you get triggered by that bully in the head but it does not bother you that much ?

 

[Movingforward10]

Sir you practiced reframing with is great , how do you calm that voice down ? and not let it affect you as much ?
you get triggered by that bully in the head but it does not bother you that much ?

It's a long process. I think I did it by this:
Awareness of it (which you already have)
Learning not to believe it.
Learning that I am ok and what I did it ok. It's not this all/nothing, good/bad situation the bully is telling me about. That actually, it's ok. (I think I learnt that by increasing my self confidence and sense of myself)
Understanding the discord inside me. I.e that the bully's original voice isn't mine. And it's actually holding me back and upsetting me. So make space for the part that is upset and that part holds a different view. And let that part flourish.

And then practising and practising and practising saying "no" to it.
So now, rather than being consumed by it, obessesing over it, worrying about it, and just generally being stuck with the bully's messages.
There is just so much more of 'me' rather than the bully, that the bully is now like an annoying fly that just needs a swat! Some days that is easier than others. But mostly I can talk myself into an ok state again.

 

[Asus]

It's a long process. I think I did it by this:
Awareness of it (which you already have)
Learning not to believe it.
Learning that I am ok and what I did it ok. It's not this all/nothing, good/bad situation the bully is telling me about. That actually, it's ok. (I think I learnt that by increasing my self confidence and sense of myself)
Understanding the discord inside me. I.e that the bully's original voice isn't mine. And it's actually holding me back and upsetting me. So make space for the part that is upset and that part holds a different view. And let that part flourish.

And then practising and practising and practising saying "no" to it.
So now, rather than being consumed by it, obessesing over it, worrying about it, and just generally being stuck with the bully's messages.
There is just so much more of 'me' rather than the bully, that the bully is now like an annoying fly that just needs a swat! Some days that is easier than others. But mostly I can talk myself into an ok state again.

Thank you for the Advice SIR it really helps

 

[Skye.C]

Asus, I realize that I'm very late into this discussion and you may very well be on your way feeling better (which I genuinely hope!). When I first read it some week ago, I bookmarked it to reply with something, and maybe something can be taken from it that may help or support you, somehow.
I come from many years of sexual abuse growing up, also as an adult in my marriages (I'm female). Eventually in adult years (late 30s/early 40s) I was divorced and had a FWB for the first time in my life. He was younger, and opened the door to BDSM and the Dom/sub dynamic.
I walked in it with consent, I do have to say that, but in hindsight, I can tell you I had no idea, really, what I was to experience.
I chose the different "activities", if you will, as a sub. That was my "power". I chose when and what to start, and I chose when to finish it. Once I got a hang of that, for the first time in my life one could say, I was in charge of my own sexual experiences.
Was it good for me? Yes, but I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who's been abused and victimized sexually. Too many are on the BDSM scene, damaged. I was "lucky" with a Dom that truly respected and listened to me, and somewhere I may just be "lucky" in general.

But, luck or not..
There was a deep shame that came - even when I chose the activities myself, or perhaps more so because I chose them. I fought triggers of my C-PTSD constantly. I fought traditions, what I was taught. I fought what was said to be good and bad, and I fought my thoughts of it from the outside, looking in. Judging myself, harshly. I spoke to myself in ways I wouldn't to any other human being. HOW could I do this? I wanted to just get up, walk away and forget I ever tried any of it. I wanted to forget it, not talk about it, not think of it. It doesn't work that way though.
My biggest shame to come to terms with, involved my Choice of experiencing it, and my Pleasure of experiencing it. In the aftermath, shame would overtake me because HOW could I enjoy something so out in the periphery of things, being ME?! Because, honestly, I did enjoy it in the moment - not afterwards but right there and then, I did. And then I did it again, and again, and again over the period of 6 years. It's about owning that.

The answer lies deep, and is highly individual. My "why" and "how" may not be the same as yours, but to explore them is the key to the acceptance of yourself and the choice you made. My road to understanding it, and later accepting it, was ruthless. It was outrageous to my intellectual mind. I'm sure you have had the same confusion.

What to tell you?

- Be mindful of your self talk. You don't have to forgive yourself because you have done nothing wrong. Maybe explore why you think it's wrong? Explore what you would advice someone else in the same position. Find empathy to understand your needs at the time. They are valid needs, and shouldn't be silenced, but understood. You do that with empathy. If you can't see it that way, ask "why" and continue until all your questions are answered.
- Accept that everything you were taught isn't true, and that we all search for truth in different ways. This too, is a part of the search of who you are. This experience taught you valuable lessons about yourself. Try to remember them in a positive light. Accept that this experience was something on your way, and now you learn from it.
- Reframe your thinking of what you experienced by seeing different angles of it. There is a reason you chose it, don't dismiss that. Try to understand it instead, to move towards what you r e a l l y are looking for. There is no shame, outside of you. It's all internal. Shame won't disappear as long as denial is present, so watch out for that. It doesn't matter however much we accept your journey and your experience, it matters what you tell yourself about it. Reframe the story.

Once it hit me, the "how" and the "why"; My shame dissipated. Literally in that moment.
From there, I found a way ahead to a better recognition of myself, and a deeper care for my own well-being because of my experiences. I have no fear regarding sex, needs, thoughts or fantasies so it's not a solution of hiding and forgetting. It's a tale of acceptance and understanding. In a healthy way. Positive and healing.

I wish that for you, too. You are not alone.

ღ

Skye

 

[Mach123]

It's a long process. I think I did it by this:
Awareness of it (which you already have)
Learning not to believe it.
Learning that I am ok and what I did it ok. It's not this all/nothing, good/bad situation the bully is telling me about. That actually, it's ok. (I think I learnt that by increasing my self confidence and sense of myself)
Understanding the discord inside me. I.e that the bully's original voice isn't mine. And it's actually holding me back and upsetting me. So make space for the part that is upset and that part holds a different view. And let that part flourish.

And then practising and practising and practising saying "no" to it.
So now, rather than being consumed by it, obessesing over it, worrying about it, and just generally being stuck with the bully's messages.
There is just so much more of 'me' rather than the bully, that the bully is now like an annoying fly that just needs a swat! Some days that is easier than others. But mostly I can talk myself into an ok state again.

This is how I meditate basically. I’ve never heard it referred to as reframing but I can’t escape the idea I really control these things . When I’m doing this I look for negativity then I ask myself where is that negativity which means bad feeling coming from? At first it seems almost unreal but with practice I found I could decide sometimes. This gives you a leg up, a place to work from. Then using a bunch of better thinking techniques I’ve learned over the years I try to let go of the negativity. It’s coming from me as you were saying the internal bully. My old trauma therapist called it the perpetrator internalized. The first time I heard of it they were saying don’t beat yourself up. I’ve been practicing a lifetime . It’s a very slippery idea and I seem always to find a way to feel bad again but, I’m a long way from depression and the kind of episodes I used to have trying to make things ok again. I can see it now at least sometimes .

 

[whiteraven]

1- LETTING GO of the Past

I studied and practice mindfulness. Learning to be just in the moment is HARD, but I do it in small steps, and gradually I have been able to let a lot of things go. Or rather, when it comes up, I can just notice it and allow it to move on (because it will if you don't attach thought to it). I've tried many, many things, and this has been the only thing that has helped. Best to try with someone trained in mindfulness--I see a lot of misunderstanding re: what it is and how it works, but if you work with someone who is a teacher, you learn its truths.

 

[Ysabel]

Hello and greeting to everybody i am new here Heterosexual Male , its my 1st time posting about this subject as it Has been affecting my mind for 10 Straight months now ..........

1st of all i have never done anything like this before i am single , i traveled abroad because i enjoy travelling and exploring places and trying NEW THINGS , the internet and adult videos are available to us at a very young age sadly with a press of a button on adult sites are you see a variety of videos We Are All humans and have needs ...... , i watched vanilla for years until i saw ( Femdom , Dominatrix , Slave , Humiliation , Prostate , An%l , play ) , i get a pleasure watching it but i never in my entire life thought i would act on it cuz i thought it was ( emasculating ) ( Degrading ) , it was all due to Curiosity , watching is one thing but acting out on it , i really hated it ........and REGRETED IT I wish i could erase it from my mind
( Female on Male )
it was under consent , but my mistake was i did not think about the consequences after doing it , how am i going to feel after ...... it bothered me really bad , i feel like i am DEEPLY ASHAMED of myself as a man , i cant look at myself in the mirror or at my name or my identity the Same Anymore .............how and why did i do such a thing ???? i keep asking myself every morning and every night i feel like i acted out without thinking , 10 month later i keep getting TRIGGERS just from watching movies or even playing games or listening to songs if there is a part of Song or movies or game that triggers me or reminds me of the EVENT i immediately DELETE The Song etc .........

i never thought it would affect me in this way , i just want to feel Normal again .

i even bought and read a book about trauma but still feeling alone and helpless the problem is i dont think i cant talk to anybody about this its embarrassing

i realized if this is my punishment for my act i will endure it but i cannot anymore we are all Human not Angels we make mistakes , have regrets and shame
i am pretty sure BDSM is not my thing and will never act on again , live and learn .

it sounds like you learned a lot about yourself - what you actually like and what you do not like - reality vs fantasy - sounds like you are judging yourself very harshly. take it as information