am i in the right relationship?

[Rorster93]

One of the things that pisses me off so quickly are my bosses' knee-jerk reaction to everything that goes wrong in my neck of the woods is somehow my fault. I've even sat there in silence and listened to them blame me and then realize I didn't mess up in the span of 30 seconds. When someone doesn't do their job, I get blamed. Oh I'm sorry l can't control other people but I guess shit rolls down hill.

It is irritating because I'm looking to move up the ladder with my education and once certain people retire. I'm afraid that because I'm apparently responsible for other people's jobs and blamed when shit doesn't turn out right, that I'm going to be overlooked for promotion.

(It's funny because promotion comes with being responsible if other people don't do their job.)

I'm going to tell myself that I can't control what other people think or conclude about me and that promotion comes from overall performance, not just a slip up here or there that may or may not be correctly assigned to me.

 

[Rorster93]

Preface: when I was growing up, my stepdad f*cked me every chance he got. It didn't matter when I was 6, 10,13 or 25. He kept it a secret from my mother for as long as he could. He was a very good liar. Until she eventually found out. She hated me and protected him. She blamed me for the demise of their marriage and still holds it against me.

I ran away from my stepdad to this guy who thought it was okay to flirt with other girls on social media and explicitly tell them they were beautiful and that he loved them while in a relationship with me. Needless to say, we are not together anymore and to this day he is still confused as to why.

When I first got with my now bf, I was not on any medication. We had an issue with me looking through his phone at night and getting mad over innocent texts he had with other women. I asked him to not have snap chat but he refused to uninstall it.

I start on citalopram and tell him to put a passcode on his phone so I couldn't get in it. This seems to fix the problem for ~3 years.

I recently stopped my medication and now I stalk him on social media. I see that he likes this girl's photo and I ask him who she was. He says just a friend.

Context: my bf never likes or comments on any of my posts or photos. The only pictures of us together are the ones that I post and tag him in. Then I have to go to him in person and ask him to approve the tag so it will show up on his timeline. If I don't do that, he will not approve it. If you look at his social media pages, I am barely on there. You have to dig to see us together, so at first glance, it doesn't look like he's in a relationship at all.

I did developed a crush on someone else during our relationship who bombarded me with compliments (I wasn't the only one, this person did that with everyone they found attractive). I chalked it up to my bf not being the compliment-giving type. Well, apparently he is full of compliments, you just have to not be in a relationship with him. My bf NEVER tells me I'm pretty. I even give him opportunities, "do you like my makeup?" He grunts "wonderful" and moves on like he could care less. "Do you think I'm pretty?" He huffs and says he does but also says that he shouldn't have to tell me that, I should just know that by virtue of us being together. So to receive a compliment from my bf, you have to be his friend and not his girlfriend.

To me, liking a girl's photo means you think she's pretty and are letting her know that.

Let's compare. This girl has long hair, is sweet-looking, wears glasses, looks like she goes to Sunday school and church every Sunday, barely any makeup. I'm not sweet and my bf isn't either and doesn't even believe in religion. So why does he take the 1 second to like her photo but feels like it's asking too much to tell me I'm pretty?

Well after asking who she was, he mass likes all of my photos, but I block him on social media anyway. He gets mad that I blocked him. Not sure why. He pays no attention to me on there so it shouldn't even make a difference.

Let's take this further. In leu of compliments, my bf criticizes my appearance instead. I don't know how to dress properly. I wear socks with sandals. I cut my hair too short. And when I wear the right makeup, the right clothes, he just says "good, I can be seen in public with you." He might mean it as a joke, but it doesn't feel like a joke when there are no compliments to balance it out. Maybe him liking other women's photos wouldn't bother me so much if I, too, received likes and compliments from him. Maybe I wouldn't care if I were still on medication.

 

[Rose White]

Social media is a terrible thing all around, it seems like it’s built to encourage social anxiety. Your csa experiences with your stepdad would have colored your ability to form stable attachments and engage in acts of care with anyone. All the symptoms make sense. You can’t change your boyfriend, only what you are willing to accept from others and what you put out there.

 

[Rorster93]

Social media is a terrible thing all around, it seems like it’s built to encourage social anxiety. Your csa experiences with your stepdad would have colored your ability to form stable attachments and engage in acts of care with anyone. All the symptoms make sense. You can’t change your boyfriend, only what you are willing to accept from others and what you put out there.

I want to be happily married but I guess my stepdad and my mommy dearest f*cked that up for me.

Maybe I should get back on medication. The only reason I stopped was because it made me gain weight.

On the other hand, when I developed my crush, I was on medication so the lack of validation from my bf still bothered me.

On the other hand, I see all these other couples who have shared social media accounts or who plaster their s.o. all over theirs and wish them happy birthday when it's their birthday or just simply have pictures of both of them so there is no question as to their relationship status or who they're with. We've been together 4 years. Is it too much to ask for something like that? Am I being unreasonable to want that? I think not.

 

[Rose White]

there is no question as to their relationship status or who they're with.

You can’t tell which ones are performing.

I want to be happily married but I guess my stepdad and my mommy dearest f*cked that up for me.

This is very relatable. All of us are f*cked in our own unique way. Many on here understand the way that you got f*cked all too well. The question is what are you going to do about it. Not that doing anything is a requirement, but sometimes on a good day it’s a possibility. On this forum there are lots of us who will cheer you on even for just drinking a glass of water. In fact it’s much easier for us to encourage others than do much for ourselves, sadly.

 

[Rorster93]

When men tell me that I should "just trust them" it's honestly laughable. For what? What did you do to earn my trust? I don't just willy nilly hand out my trust like candy you piece of..

It is "I'll distrust you until you give me a reason to trust you."

The saying, "trust until they give you a reason not to" is a bullshit backwards saying made up by men themselves to buy them time between infidelities.

 

[Rorster93]

Found he was following a dating page on tiktok. Had a huge fight and broke up but we still live together. He unfollowed the dating app and said he must have accidentally fat-fingered it. He doesn't know how to access his follow list. He SUCKS at anything digital...so I wouldn't put it past him to fat finger it. He still refuses to stop liking his female friends pics and said I need to get back on my medicine.

I don't want to leave. I want to just fold and put up with him liking other girls pics while totally ignoring mine. I just don't know.

 

[Friday]

The saying, "trust until they give you a reason not to" is a bullshit backwards saying made up by men themselves to buy them time between infidelities.

And all women are gold digging whores, trying to trap you, and convince you to despise yourself so you can be manipulated into being their free ride, their snot rag to cry on, their live in servant; meanwhile they step out on you, and abuse your kids, but if you speak up? Try to protect your family, your kids? You’re in JAIL, motherf*cker. Because the bitch cries victim.

…or?

Not.

Are there men/women who are f*cking vile like that? Yes. Assholes & abusers are found in every single category; sex, sexual orientation, race, religion, employment, whatever.

Why the ever loving f*ck are you dating someone you believe is like that??? If you don’t believe that? Stop treating him like that.

Either date better, or do better.

 

[Rorster93]

And all women are gold digging whores, trying to trap you, and convince you to despise yourself so you can be manipulated into being their free ride, their snot rag to cry on, their live in servant; meanwhile they step out on you, and abuse your kids, but if you speak up? Try to protect your family, your kids? You’re in JAIL, motherf*cker. Because the bitch cries victim.

…or?

Not.

Are there men/women who are f*cking vile like that? Yes. Assholes & abusers are found in every single category; sex, sexual orientation, race, religion, employment, whatever.

Why the ever loving f*ck are you dating someone you believe is like that??? If you don’t believe that? Stop treating him like that.

Either date better, or do better.

I don't believe he's like that so I need to do better. I want to stop stalking him on social media. I don't want to fight anymore and neither does he. Last night, we cuddled with his dog and just laid there without saying anything. It was like we didn't have to. We already knew how each other felt.

What if I f*ck up in the future tho? And sneak a peak at who he's following or whatever??? I'm scared that future me will continue to ruin everything.

This morning, I got pissed, not at my bf, but at everything else. I took a sledgehammer to a board almost as big as me that my bf was gonna throw away. I told him what I did and asked him not to throw it away. He just chuckled at me..I think because it probably looked funny lol.

During my attack on this innocent board, my thoughts went to my abusers, my trauma. It wasn't even about shit that happened that morning. I came to tears, but probably would have cried longer had I not been crunched for time. I did leave with a better attitude..maybe I don't need medicine or weed to manage my ptsd.

 

[Rorster93]

I'm going back on medication. I'm angry all the time, taking it out on the ones I love. The cup thing is very true. And it is very true that I have PTSD. I always feel like I'm about to fall off a skyscraper. Someone screamed in the office today and it made me almost have a panic attack. Faking being normal and happy when I have to. Raising the white flag. So I guess I'm just meant to be on medicine for the rest of my life. At least I have a legitimate reason to never have kids. Not sure how I feel about that.

 

[Friday]

So I guess I'm just meant to be on medicine for the rest of my life.

Because meds may be useful NOW??? Doesn’t mean the rest of your life. Unless you have a gun in your mouth, kind of thing. So “the rest of your life” is like 6 breaths.

How about medicine for a year? Or medicine for 6 months and 3 days? Or medicine for 4 years, 2 months and 29 days? Medications for 3 weeks, 2 days, & 6 hours?

You see how ascribing some future date is more emotional reasoning, than logical reasoning?

If it’s useful now? It’s useful now.
If it’s not useful later, or you’re curious later, stop.

My only reeeeeal caveat? If you have to be on meds to tolerate an individual, but are fine in the rest of your life??? I’d question the individual, not the meds. That’s a real thing. Some people are ONLY tolerable when you’re half out of your mind & feel great about that. So, when deciding whether or not meds are useful NOW? Por Que? Because of one thing you value deeply, or everything? If it’s everything? Go for the global solution. If it’s one thing? Remove the one thing.

 

[Torch]

So I guess I'm just meant to be on medicine for the rest of my life. At least I have a legitimate reason to never have kids. Not sure how I feel about that.

Like Friday said, the medication situation can be temporary.
Before taking a new medication, it might be wise to ask if they are addictive. If they are, your fear about not being able to completely rid yourself of the substance/medication is real and should inform your decision in finding a non-addictive, temporary medication or other alternatives if zero medication is not an option.

There are many people who are on livelong medications that have or raise kids. If having kids is something you want, lifelong medication for a chronic condition isn't a dealbreaker.
If you don't want kids, I can see how this could be part of your reasoning, but probably isn't the entire picture.