Sexual Assault was this sexual abuse?

[lmn]

For a long time, I’ve been ashamed of how sex-obsessed I was as a child—I sought out older men on kik when I was 12-ish and was obsessed with any sort of male attention. I was bullied a lot and had a shitty dad which I think had something to do with it, but I’m realising it might have started earlier.

When I was around 7 and until I was about 9 or 10, I would go to a babysitter after school. Usually it would be fine and normal, but if her son was in, I would play with him. He was around 16 or 17 when it started, but I remember I used to have a big crush on him and I’d sort of give him quick kisses when playing. Anyway, when we played house, he would properly kiss me (like make out) and grope me and simulate sex with our clothes on. This went on until he went to uni.

I feel stupid for even asking this because typing it out sounds obviously horrible, but was it abuse? I can’t help but feel like I brought it on/initiated it…but at the same time I know that if a 7-year-old ever kissed me, I’d feel weird and shut it down.

 

[Sideways]

Mod note:
Imn - I’ve removed your trigger warning. No need for them on a site where trauma is discussed in every other thread. You can read more about that in the Community Constitution.

 

[Friday]

but at the same time I know that if a 7-year-old ever kissed me, I’d feel weird and shut it down.

Really???

Most super-normal 7yos are hugging/kissing EVERYONE. It is almost, but not quite, worse than toddlers SLIMING everyone by licking/squelchinf/glomming onto them. 6/7yos don’t usually include all the saliva that toddlers do. The affection, without the slime. The cold-distance (certain parts of the world) or joyful comraderie slap/punch/insult/smile (other parts of the world) tends to happen around 8-10.

Traumatized 7yos recoil, shy 7yos duck, but normal & affectionate 7yos climb into your lap and attach themselves like Velcro.

That you’d recoil from, guilt/shame, a CHILD? Does speak to a helluva brutal personal history. Even assholes usually “suffer” the attentions of young children.

ARE you some kind of horrific predator a child SHOULD learn to recoil & run from? Or do you just imagine inflicting terror on otherwise healthy/normal/trusting children?

Have you MET 7yos? They’re children. Young children. Who need protection, not… revulsion.

When I was around 7 and until I was about 9 or 10, I would go to a babysitter after school. Usually it would be fine and normal, but if her son was in, I would play with him. He was around 16 or 17 when it started, but I remember I used to have a big crush on him and I’d sort of give him quick kisses when playing. Anyway, when we played house, he would properly kiss me (like make out) and grope me and simulate sex with our clothes on. This went on until he went to uni.

Yep. That’s super wrong.

There is a TREMENDOUS DIFFERENCE between a 7yo kissing you, as an adult & dealing with it, and making out/pretending to f*ck a 7yo.

A 7yo kissing you? Not wrong of the 7yo.
Pretending tonf*ck a 7yo? STILL not wrong of the 7yo. Seeeeriously f*cking wrong of the adult.

 

[Movingforward10]

I feel stupid for even asking this

Nothing to feel stupid about at all. When we give ourselves narratives that nothing happened, or if something did happen it was our fault, it creates this confusion where we need to seek answers to things that deep down we know but these narratives twisted the truth so we're not sure. Most of us with CSA ask the same questions. So you're in good company here!

but was it abuse?

Yes.

can’t help but feel like I brought it on/initiated it

This is also a cognitive distortion that most of us with CSA have. I thought I was a rapist because my body allowed the rapes to happen. That's the lengths our minds will go to to try and protect us from the horror of what happened. It's our fault. We feel bad so we decide we are bad and everything is our fault. We might have had other implicit or explicit messages telling us we're bad and it's our fault too, just to reinforce the idea.
But it wasn't your fault. Like you say, if a 7 year old went to kiss you, you would recoil. Your abuser took your innocent behaviour and abused it. He decided to act the way he did.