Things only get worse, never better.

[Paladin_141]

What it says.

I came here for a lot of reasons, one being to draw a line under a life of constant misery and repeated failure. I had hoped this would be a new beginning or a decent ending, but it's shaping up to be neither.

There's nothing to go back to and nowhere to go from here.

There are more weapons of various kinds lying around here than I could shake a stick at. The temptation to just get it over with is overwhelming. I don't know if I'll see the dawn.

I'm sorry.

 

[Rose White]

I came here for a lot of reasons, one being to draw a line under a life of constant misery and repeated failure.

I’m curious if you can share any of the other reasons?

Also, what would drawing a line under that life result in?

I, and many others here, certainly understand the feeling of “constant misery and repeated failure.” You’re definitely not alone in that. Sorry you’re in the grinder.

 

[Paladin_141]

Reasons. They sound stupid. I wanted an adventure, you know? My last job lacked the element of danger that my various 'careers' have usually had and I was bored. I had visions of action and excitement and maybe even romance.

I wanted money so I could afford somewhere to live. I finally got my ex out of the house but couldn't afford the rent and bills on my salary alone. It wasn't even bad money.

I wanted my kids to be proud of me. I have known for a while that my days are numbered. I tried to end it all five times last year. My suicide is inevitable unless something else happens soon. I don't want my kids to know that I couldn't cope. If I die here, I get to keep what little dignity I ever had.

Also...I happen to believe in the cause. I was never the kind of person to put a flag in my Facebook profile and leave it at that. The world is a terrible place but I have to try to make it less terrible.

I wonder, though, if the fastest way for me to do that is just to stop being in it.

 

[Rose White]

The world is a terrible place but I have to try to make it less terrible.

I wonder, though, if the fastest way for me to do that is just to stop being in it.

I don’t think so. You’re not making it terrible, you clearly care about a variety of things. It’s understandable that you would want adventure and romance and your kids to be proud of you—all things that many people also want.

I understand feeling like a stain and a drain on Earth. Intense stress and mental anguish can certainly contribute to that and it doesn’t sound like you are able to escape the daily pile of stress.

You are right that there are many terrible people and events happening in the world right now, but you are not responsible for them and neither are you contributing to them, at least from what I can tell based on what you’ve posted so far.

 

[Paladin_141]

it doesn’t sound like you are able to escape the daily pile of stress.

No. There is no escape. Things just get worse by the day. There's only one way out.

 

[Sideways]

There's only one way out.

I’ve believed this myself in the past.

It isn’t true.

 

[Paladin_141]

Except when it is.

 

[anthony]

There's only one way out.

Only when you stop turning your head to look at other options.

 

[Paladin_141]

The other options all look even worse. I don't want to live a life worse than the shitshow I already have.

 

[Survivor3]

Hello @Paladin_141 things quite often get really bad and hit rock bottom before they get better and turn around. I've been where you are many times, for long periods of time. It was a living hell. I have family but no kids and no partner for over 20 years.

If you had a magic wand, what would you change (like to do, realistically) at this point in your life? Can you think of anything?

 

[Paladin_141]

Literally everything. There's nothing in my life that isn't awful.

If I don't die here and make it to the end of my contract then I will be homeless, broke and unemployed.

My narcissistic ex-wife is trying to stop me having contact with the kids and I can't afford a solicitor.

I'm almost middle aged- certainly too old to start again- and short and losing my hair. I've lost a significant amount of weight here because I don't eat, so I look pretty rough.

Obviously there's the CPTSD under all that.

I just want out but apparently don't have the courage to do it myself or I wouldn't still be typing this in a room full of guns

 

[Survivor3]

I'm very sorry to hear that. Not eating properly will also make you feel worse. Are you a veteran? It's quite common when people are at their lowest to hate pretty much everything. To feel everything is awful.