am i in the right relationship?

[Rorster93]

I don't think it's one person. I get angry at people at work and even my dog who is as old as Noah's Ark, can't hear or see, and yet I still expect her to come to me when I call her name. I get so ugly when I'm angry, I start to sound like my mother. This scares me. I make a point to be nice when I feel this way. I don't like how my bf behaves on social media but what can I do? He just blows me off when I try to talk to him. I like it when we get along. If not talking about social media accomplishes that then that's what I will do.

I have been able to catch myself lately, but the feeling of this anger is so unbearable. It's like nails on a chalk board. I just want to burst out, cuss, yell and destroy stuff, but that's not fair to my dog and my bf is not my retirement plan nor is he able to make my car payments so I have to keep my job.

I think my anger is triggered by stress. I work a full-time job and am in school full-time. I have also accumulated more pets that I can emotionally and financially take care of. I mean, I can feed them and stuff, but if one of them gets sick I won't be able to pay the vet bill. I don't spend quality time with each of them. It's just too much.

Kids are a nice thing. If I were to accidentally get pregnant (highly doubtful since I am scared shitless about getting pregnant) I would welcome the child and would sacrifice everything for that child even if it meant throwing myself to the wolves. But I know how I am about stress and kids are stressful. I don't want to turn into my mother and I feel like I am when I am not on medication, so I think it will help me. I filled out paperwork to see a psychiatrist and am waiting to hear back about a date for my first session. I will explain all of this to her.

 

[Torch]

I think my anger is triggered by stress. I work a full-time job and am in school full-time. I have also accumulated more pets that I can emotionally and financially take care of. I mean, I can feed them and stuff, but if one of them gets sick I won't be able to pay the vet bill. I don't spend quality time with each of them. It's just too much.

I struggled multiple times maintaining part-time food service jobs while in undergrad school full-time. Ended up creating a pattern of quitting the jobs a months or so before midterms/finals when the stress became too overwhelming.
Working full-time and being in school full-time would have been too much for me too.

I don't know the details about you and your boyfriend, but is this something you'd consider talking to him about? The stress of full time work and full time school? Do you think he would be receptive to co-brainstorming some ways he might be able to pitch in to help you manage the stress?

 

[Rorster93]

I struggled multiple times maintaining part-time food service jobs while in undergrad school full-time. Ended up creating a pattern of quitting the jobs a months or so before midterms/finals when the stress became too overwhelming.
Working full-time and being in school full-time would have been too much for me too.

I don't know the details about you and your boyfriend, but is this something you'd consider talking to him about? The stress of full time work and full time school? Do you think he would be receptive to co-brainstorming some ways he might be able to pitch in to help you manage the stress?

Asking my bf for help would be ridiculous. He would just say he has a lot on his own plate to deal with. Besides, it's not like he can go to work for me or do my school work for me. I do wish I could talk to him more, but I realized I'm on a timer. If I take too long to get what I need to say out, he interrupts me and just offers a quick fix to my issue type of response. I can't even talk to him when I've had a bad day because everything else is more important. I don't think he understands me at all.

 

[Torch]

I think my anger is triggered by stress. I work a full-time job and am in school full-time.

I don't want to turn into my mother and I feel like I am when I am not on medication, so I think it will help me. I filled out paperwork to see a psychiatrist and am waiting to hear back about a date for my first session. I will explain all of this to her.

Have you considered stepping away from work and/or school to see if you anger and symptoms calm down?

Might be nice to catch your breath, get some distance from the stressors, assess yourself, and identity other triggers. Medication might only be necessary if you want to keep worked under the same stresses.

Universities usually hold credits for a number of years (10 years last I checked), so it won’t be like your degree progress will be for nothing.

You will probably have the rest of your life to dedicate to work.

There is an argument to be made that health should be prioritized over work and school.

 

[Torch]

If I take too long to get what I need to say out, he interrupts me and just offers a quick fix to my issue type of response.

I can see how this adds to frustration and stress.

Asking my bf for help would be ridiculous. He would just say he has a lot on his own plate to deal with.

This sounds like an acceptable response from a friend who is legit busy, but not a romantic partner.
Have you considered having a conversation about (the importance of) prioritizing each other in your lives?

I also do not want to make you doubt yourself but, does this person know he is romantically involved with you?

Asking because I keep getting the sense that his behaviors are passable for a friend, but not for a romantic partner.

Certain dating ‘norms’ require a conversation and enthusiastic yes from both persons. Some dating ‘norms’ do not require a conversation.
I’ve been in this mix up before and it is embarrassing to be on either ‘side’ of the ‘dating norms’ misunderstanding.

If you are not one of your bf’s top priorities, you may need to make sure this guy:
1.Knows you are both explicitly romantically involved ie: committed, (does he not know he is in a romantic relationship? Might be good to rule out the different norms problem by having the difficult conversation with him about it.)
2. Re-evaluate your relationship with said bf,
3. Re-evaluate your dating standards.

I can't even talk to him when I've had a bad day because everything else is more important. I don't think he understands me at all.

It sounds like what you are saying is that being able to talk to him when you’ve had a bad day is perhaps just as if not more important to you than the school itself of work.

Reciprocity and emotional labor are important in romantic relationships.
It is not unreasonable for you to be upset when your romantic partner does not prioritize you in these ways.

 

[Rorster93]

I can see how this adds to frustration and stress.


This sounds like an acceptable response from a friend who is legit busy, but not a romantic partner.
Have you considered having a conversation about (the importance of) prioritizing each other in your lives?

I also do not want to make you doubt yourself but, does this person know he is romantically involved with you?

Asking because I keep getting the sense that his behaviors are passable for a friend, but not for a romantic partner.

Certain dating ‘norms’ require a conversation and enthusiastic yes from both persons. Some dating ‘norms’ do not require a conversation.
I’ve been in this mix up before and it is embarrassing to be on either ‘side’ of the ‘dating norms’ misunderstanding.

If you are not one of your bf’s top priorities, you may need to make sure this guy:
1.Knows you are both explicitly romantically involved ie: committed, (does he not know he is in a romantic relationship? Might be good to rule out the different norms problem by having the difficult conversation with him about it.)
2. Re-evaluate your relationship with said bf,
3. Re-evaluate your dating standards.


It sounds like what you are saying is that being able to talk to him when you’ve had a bad day is perhaps just as if not more important to you than the school itself of work.

Reciprocity and emotional labor are important in romantic relationships.
It is not unreasonable for you to be upset when your romantic partner does not prioritize you in these ways.

He knows we are in a romantic relationship. We live together but we are not intimate like we were in the beginning. He used to not be able to leave me alone now it's like pulling teeth. He has health problems which have floored his libido so I kinda feel bad for pressuring him but at the same time...

I ask him about talking to his doctor about his libido. He says he will. I said ok when is your next appointment. He chuckles and says I don't know.

I don't feel heard, prioritized, understood. I am now toxic because I get mad when I see him happy. It's like the time when he decided to not have kids even tho that was the first thing I told him when we first met that I wanted at least one child. He proceeded to act happy as tho him deciding that wasn't a big deal and I didn't have strong feelings about it. I told him it's not as simple as him deciding, I don't know what I'm going to do, the conversation is not over. Then he gets mad.

I also told him I want to be married. Well it's now 4.25 years and no ring.

Now when I see him happy, I get mad because I'm not happy. So I start an argument with him because I want him to be miserable just like me. What does he honestly think? That I was just kidding about my wants and needs? Oh my bad!

 

[Rorster93]

just got done with this psychiatrist. I may pick fights because I don't feel anything or no connection with my bf and tension is better than feeling nothing at all. I may choose emotionally-unavailable people to be with because that is familiar to me. Tension is familiar to me. I choose superficial relationships with people because I know people will hurt me. These are coping mechanisms that I learned while trying to survive but they are not allowing me to thrive now that I am free and an adult to make my own decisions. Being on medication can help my brain make connections of things that do not have anything to do with the trauma and the longer I can make these connections, the better. For anyone who is experiencing similar circumstances.

 

[Rorster93]

After the psychiatrist meeting, I did notice impulses I have to request validation from my bf. I get these impulses because I'm uncomfortable in peaceful situations. It's like feeling nothing. Like when the weather is not too hot or too cold and there is no wind so you can't feel the air at all. But I was able to recognize my impulses and not act on them. I sat in the peace and quiet just observing.

It made a dinner with friends much more enjoyable.

The psychiatrist prescribed me welbutron XL. I am having immense anxiety from it but I'm powering through because it's causing me to lose weight. I think it caused me to go into a rage this morning which pissed my bf off. Now he's mad at me again. Now the familiar tension that I've been trying to distance myself from has returned.

I tried calling my bf earlier and he wouldn't answer so I went into a panic I almost went home from work. I felt so completely alone and abandoned. I didn't feel better until he returned my call. I know this is unhealthy attachment. I'm thinking about breaking up with him. I know it will be no hard feelings and that I think I can live by myself again knowing that he is only a phone call away.

I'm gonna have to break up with him because I don't get support from him. There is no room in our relationship for the version of me that is in between meds. It is effecting my self-esteem. Now I don't feel like I'm good for a relationship with anyone because of my rage, my depression, my suspicion.

 

[In the weeds]

I choose superficial relationships with people because I know people will hurt me.

I can totally relate to that

I'm thinking about breaking up with him

I would be too. You will be okay, like you said you can live alone again. You can have a supportive relationship one day too. From what you've said it doesn't sound like this relationship is supportive of you and your needs.

 

[Friday]

he wouldn't answer so I went into a panic I almost went home from work. I felt so completely alone and abandoned. I didn't feel better until he returned my call. I know this is unhealthy attachment.

I have the exact opposite/reverse issue around abandonment :

I fly into the same terror/panic/ACT!!! mode, every instinct I have, every cell & every bone in my body, telling me the same thing …potentially destroying soooo many needed/wanted areas of my life, sigh, from long experience… when I AM doing completely normal, healthy, reasonable, understandable, etc., etc., etc. thing? I’m suddenly struck by the absolute certainty that I AM abandoning someone else.

2 things have really helped me Reality-Check with that…

1. Reversing it. If the situation was reversed, are they abandoning me? <<< Which is why I bring it up here. If you reversed the situation, are you abandoning them, when you don’t answer your phone? Or if you don’t come home from work?

2. (In normal life) You can only abandon kids & pets.
(I am not a child or a pet. They are not a child, or a pet.)

 

[Rorster93]

2 things have really helped me Reality-Check with that…

1. Reversing it. If the situation was reversed, are they abandoning me? <<< Which is why I bring it up here. If you reversed the situation, are you abandoning them, when you don’t answer your phone? Or if you don’t come home from work?

2. (In normal life) You can only abandon kids & pets.
(I am not a child or a pet. They are not a child, or a pet.)

This is very helpful. I do the same things like not answer my phone and wonder if the other person feels abandoned but when I speak to them again, they're not bothered at all. And when I don't answer the phone or respond to a text is always because I'm simply busy, not because I'm abandoning anyone.

 

[Rorster93]

I can totally relate to that

I would be too. You will be okay, like you said you can live alone again. You can have a supportive relationship one day too. From what you've said it doesn't sound like this relationship is supportive of you and your needs.

My therapist and I agreed to not make any rash decisions right now. And since I am adjusting to this new medicine, I can see how our relationship is without the rage. If it's still not fulfilling, I can say I tried with and without medication.