hi there, call me Rory. i turn 25 in about a month and i'm a female-to-male transsexual. i found this website searching for anonptsd but i guess that doesn't exist/anymore. i have had good experiences on forums like this though so here goes
i grew up in a big house in the woods with a barn out by the road that was converted into a gymnasium, like, for gymnastics. my mom coached, locals did lessons there and during the summer teams from different states would come out for camp. it was pretty cool. the ceilings were high enough in the house that kid-me had a "pet" bat named harold. my parents got divorced before i started school though and that was the end of that. i was in kindergarten for just a few months before getting bumped up to first grade because i could read well enough to be correcting labels in the classroom, then i went to different schools and lived in different houses for most of adolescence. it would be tedious to recount them all it was just not very stable. i was always the youngest and smallest wherever i went. i stopped doing gymnastics when i was like ten i think. nobody told me i could wear shorts and a tshirt.
when i was eleven or twelve i had a school friend who came out to me as a lesbian and i felt so sad that she would be lonely so i asked her if she wanted to "be lesbians together" and i just wanted to hold hands and maybe kiss, she was like a year older than me and very pretty. i always felt like a boy though and had never even like kid-dated anyone before this, usually made better friends with boys even if they were definitely teasing me all the time it just felt easier. but i guess i was like "ok maybe i'm a lesbian". when i was over at her house and we were dating she wrote "ever jerked it, yo?" on her hand and I had no idea what that meant and hadn't. i dont remember what happened after that! but i do remember her showing me all of boku no pico and calling me "shota boy" and just altogether being way too knowledgeable about things children should not know about. i made a collar out of a thrift store belt to wear for her and practiced bondage ties on myself when i was not even thirteen and every time i went over there like idk!! it wasn't good! i remember once she bit my nipple so hard i thought it was gonna fall off for a couple days and we went to her family's way-fancy mansion pool sometimes and i dont really like talking about this but i flash back to the changing rooms a lot
anyway i didnt hear from her for a long time like monthsss and eventually i remember this very clearly it was my last day of eighth grade i got a picture on snapchat from her that she took under a table that said like "its not working out" and then, again, months later, she told me she had attempted suicide and was in the hospital for all that time. So as a thirteen year old i was asking myself whether it was my fault that she tried to kill herself and as a twenty five year old i still ask myself that every day. we never really talked again. idk what happened in her life but shes still alive and im glad because i think some f*cked up stuff happened to her when she was really little. nobody knew what happened until the end of last year we'll get to that in a minute
all through high school i was like freaky hypersexual i went to a catholic school and felt like an alien. i was baptized catholic but never did the rest of the stuff. it was okay there. i got to wear pants instead of the jumper and did that exclusively for most of my time there but i was only allowed to wear a tie (part of the male uniform) if the teacher was cool otherwise they'd glower at me or just tell me to take it off. i had a few friends but i only still talk to one of them, i made a mess of most of my friendships then
I went to a tiny art school for college to be closer to someone I was dating from online who essentially bullied me into identifying as a lesbian again it was pretty bad but i dont remember most of the details. we broke up because i couldn't stay in that closet it messed me up a lot. i was seventeen when i moved into my dorm. my mom left the country almost immediately after i started school and i had lived with her most of my life, for the two years before i went to college we'd lived in an RV so she could just sell it when i left and move with the money from it. my "bedroom" was this descending floor above the cab of the thing, i slept on a two-inch foam pad surrounded by windows and it got so cold in there in the winter that ice would creep up the insides! i had no privacy and nobody ever came over, we lived in our friends' driveway. but i digress
two years into college it was announced that the school would be merging with a huge university in town and everybody was pissed like nobody was happy. the students and faculty alike fought like hell but it was already a done deal yknow. i have since gone back for a wedding and the building was demolished, it is paved over now. they're putting up apartments. i had a lot of good memories there and finally started feeling like a human being. rip. i met someone there though and we ended up dating and moving into an apartment together with two roommates when the dorms closed. then quarantine, everybody had that so i wont linger on it. i started taking community college classes online and they got a scholarship to a school a few states away half-off tuition free housing so we went long distance for two years once those dorms opened up again, i stayed in the apartment for a year then moved back home but was so depressed all the time because of what happened to the little college where we met and everything else that i went inpatient for a week voluntarily and got put on an antipsychotic that i stopped taking eventually, nobody ever told me what it was for.
eventually they graduated and i still havent but i moved up to be with them and that lasted two years. we were together SIX YEARS and just before our anniversary okay this is why i am here
they were going down on me right. and i have like traumatic dysphoric aversion to most sex acts but do them anyway because what else am i gonna do and i had tried for a long time to be like i dont really like this but i couldnt really hold onto my convictions i dunno this is getting really long and i want to cut to the freaking chase. their head is between my legs, right. and they kinda reel back and make that stupid porn face like eyes rolled back tongue lolling out and they climax and then drop their f*cking head right between my legs ~3 feet full force of gravity front teeth out and cut me. like blunt force trauma slashed me bad. and immediately i knew that they had no idea they hurt me, i just laid there and didnt move or say anything except "owww" and didnt tell them because they were going out to a concert that their friend who i hate had paid $350 each for two tickets the next day and i didnt wanna be like "i think i need to go to the hospital" and ruin that
and the next day im like making jokes about it trying to be cool whatever ("you're the most metal person there cus you just ate somebody's flesh" like absolute gallows) i had just gotten a job somewhere they used to work so i needed to go to work Or Else, i had been unemployed for a while because i was in school again trying to finally finish out my degree and then it just keeps hurting and i started panicking but i just wanted to die so badly i didn't do anything about it for a few days. like tried to tough it out. i worked an eight hour shift!!! and the next day after i went in and just cried in front of my new manager and said i needed to go to a doctor and i went and they were like yeah it's infected (no shit! human bite!!!) so i got a seven day antibiotic course, and my partner had left that week to visit family so i had been alone in our apartment like unable to sleep in our bed sleeping on the couch texting friends like "i think im gonna die and thats fine by me" but i mean i made it through the antibiotics im allergic to penicillin so it was two meds five times a day. since they used to work where i was working my manager texted them like "is he ok" and the response was like "he got a tear in a sensitive area" which makes someones dick sound huge i was furious
anyway that wraps up. infection cleared but i was in a really bad way obviously. they had no memory of the injury. and minimized it every time i brought it up until i was on medication for the infection and THEN they apologized but they were asking me like when are we gonna have sex again and i was so madddd i was so mad. we went out to a show on our anniversary and that was fine but we went out to dinner after and i just broke down absolutely could not handle sitting across from them pretending i was happy or felt normal at all so pretty quickly after that we separated as amicably as possible and i moved out and went back home. we still talk every day. i still love them even though they used me sexually and financially and emotionally and in every other way and i just stuck it out because i'm tough enough. whatever. nobody's perfect.
we were best friends and went through a LOT together but i was just so angry and felt like i was going to hurt them or freak out on them whenever they were around like when they texted me that they were coming back from their trip when i had a day or two of antibiotics left i had a panic attack. i honestly was so happy to recover alone even though my friends were horrified that they just left me to it. our time living together was characterized mostly by me feeling stagnant and angry about how much better the deal they got when the school shut down was or how often they went out drinking for hours and hours + raging about how i didnt even really want to live there and wasnt saving any money because i couldn't i wasnt earning enough for anything other than bare minimum
it has been four months since i was injured and mutilated and couldn't help but blow up my life but i just feel so much shame and anger and more feelings i can't even name. for pretty much as long as i can remember i have been coping in various ways with sexual trauma and sometimes i would pray for something else bigger and more horrible to wash out the old feelings but it happened. it was the most pain i have ever been in and i'd just broken my hand and got three closed reductions without any painkillers whatsoever a few months previous. every single day i try not to think about it. i probably left a lot of stuff out or jumped around but i got it out and thats what matters
i am hoping to find ways to live in peace but i am living in the same circumstances that made me feel so isolated that i went inpatient just for a change of scenery when i was like 21 but i am, come hell or high water, finishing the first leg of my degree path this year and trying to make a good life for myself. i haven't been outside of a sexual partnership for longer than like a month or two since i was ELEVEN but i have just been doing a lot of reading and trying to find myself, i don't know. i just feel so tired. stop the world!!! i want to get off!!!!!
i grew up in a big house in the woods with a barn out by the road that was converted into a gymnasium, like, for gymnastics. my mom coached, locals did lessons there and during the summer teams from different states would come out for camp. it was pretty cool. the ceilings were high enough in the house that kid-me had a "pet" bat named harold. my parents got divorced before i started school though and that was the end of that. i was in kindergarten for just a few months before getting bumped up to first grade because i could read well enough to be correcting labels in the classroom, then i went to different schools and lived in different houses for most of adolescence. it would be tedious to recount them all it was just not very stable. i was always the youngest and smallest wherever i went. i stopped doing gymnastics when i was like ten i think. nobody told me i could wear shorts and a tshirt.
when i was eleven or twelve i had a school friend who came out to me as a lesbian and i felt so sad that she would be lonely so i asked her if she wanted to "be lesbians together" and i just wanted to hold hands and maybe kiss, she was like a year older than me and very pretty. i always felt like a boy though and had never even like kid-dated anyone before this, usually made better friends with boys even if they were definitely teasing me all the time it just felt easier. but i guess i was like "ok maybe i'm a lesbian". when i was over at her house and we were dating she wrote "ever jerked it, yo?" on her hand and I had no idea what that meant and hadn't. i dont remember what happened after that! but i do remember her showing me all of boku no pico and calling me "shota boy" and just altogether being way too knowledgeable about things children should not know about. i made a collar out of a thrift store belt to wear for her and practiced bondage ties on myself when i was not even thirteen and every time i went over there like idk!! it wasn't good! i remember once she bit my nipple so hard i thought it was gonna fall off for a couple days and we went to her family's way-fancy mansion pool sometimes and i dont really like talking about this but i flash back to the changing rooms a lot
anyway i didnt hear from her for a long time like monthsss and eventually i remember this very clearly it was my last day of eighth grade i got a picture on snapchat from her that she took under a table that said like "its not working out" and then, again, months later, she told me she had attempted suicide and was in the hospital for all that time. So as a thirteen year old i was asking myself whether it was my fault that she tried to kill herself and as a twenty five year old i still ask myself that every day. we never really talked again. idk what happened in her life but shes still alive and im glad because i think some f*cked up stuff happened to her when she was really little. nobody knew what happened until the end of last year we'll get to that in a minute
all through high school i was like freaky hypersexual i went to a catholic school and felt like an alien. i was baptized catholic but never did the rest of the stuff. it was okay there. i got to wear pants instead of the jumper and did that exclusively for most of my time there but i was only allowed to wear a tie (part of the male uniform) if the teacher was cool otherwise they'd glower at me or just tell me to take it off. i had a few friends but i only still talk to one of them, i made a mess of most of my friendships then
I went to a tiny art school for college to be closer to someone I was dating from online who essentially bullied me into identifying as a lesbian again it was pretty bad but i dont remember most of the details. we broke up because i couldn't stay in that closet it messed me up a lot. i was seventeen when i moved into my dorm. my mom left the country almost immediately after i started school and i had lived with her most of my life, for the two years before i went to college we'd lived in an RV so she could just sell it when i left and move with the money from it. my "bedroom" was this descending floor above the cab of the thing, i slept on a two-inch foam pad surrounded by windows and it got so cold in there in the winter that ice would creep up the insides! i had no privacy and nobody ever came over, we lived in our friends' driveway. but i digress
two years into college it was announced that the school would be merging with a huge university in town and everybody was pissed like nobody was happy. the students and faculty alike fought like hell but it was already a done deal yknow. i have since gone back for a wedding and the building was demolished, it is paved over now. they're putting up apartments. i had a lot of good memories there and finally started feeling like a human being. rip. i met someone there though and we ended up dating and moving into an apartment together with two roommates when the dorms closed. then quarantine, everybody had that so i wont linger on it. i started taking community college classes online and they got a scholarship to a school a few states away half-off tuition free housing so we went long distance for two years once those dorms opened up again, i stayed in the apartment for a year then moved back home but was so depressed all the time because of what happened to the little college where we met and everything else that i went inpatient for a week voluntarily and got put on an antipsychotic that i stopped taking eventually, nobody ever told me what it was for.
eventually they graduated and i still havent but i moved up to be with them and that lasted two years. we were together SIX YEARS and just before our anniversary okay this is why i am here
they were going down on me right. and i have like traumatic dysphoric aversion to most sex acts but do them anyway because what else am i gonna do and i had tried for a long time to be like i dont really like this but i couldnt really hold onto my convictions i dunno this is getting really long and i want to cut to the freaking chase. their head is between my legs, right. and they kinda reel back and make that stupid porn face like eyes rolled back tongue lolling out and they climax and then drop their f*cking head right between my legs ~3 feet full force of gravity front teeth out and cut me. like blunt force trauma slashed me bad. and immediately i knew that they had no idea they hurt me, i just laid there and didnt move or say anything except "owww" and didnt tell them because they were going out to a concert that their friend who i hate had paid $350 each for two tickets the next day and i didnt wanna be like "i think i need to go to the hospital" and ruin that
and the next day im like making jokes about it trying to be cool whatever ("you're the most metal person there cus you just ate somebody's flesh" like absolute gallows) i had just gotten a job somewhere they used to work so i needed to go to work Or Else, i had been unemployed for a while because i was in school again trying to finally finish out my degree and then it just keeps hurting and i started panicking but i just wanted to die so badly i didn't do anything about it for a few days. like tried to tough it out. i worked an eight hour shift!!! and the next day after i went in and just cried in front of my new manager and said i needed to go to a doctor and i went and they were like yeah it's infected (no shit! human bite!!!) so i got a seven day antibiotic course, and my partner had left that week to visit family so i had been alone in our apartment like unable to sleep in our bed sleeping on the couch texting friends like "i think im gonna die and thats fine by me" but i mean i made it through the antibiotics im allergic to penicillin so it was two meds five times a day. since they used to work where i was working my manager texted them like "is he ok" and the response was like "he got a tear in a sensitive area" which makes someones dick sound huge i was furious
anyway that wraps up. infection cleared but i was in a really bad way obviously. they had no memory of the injury. and minimized it every time i brought it up until i was on medication for the infection and THEN they apologized but they were asking me like when are we gonna have sex again and i was so madddd i was so mad. we went out to a show on our anniversary and that was fine but we went out to dinner after and i just broke down absolutely could not handle sitting across from them pretending i was happy or felt normal at all so pretty quickly after that we separated as amicably as possible and i moved out and went back home. we still talk every day. i still love them even though they used me sexually and financially and emotionally and in every other way and i just stuck it out because i'm tough enough. whatever. nobody's perfect.
we were best friends and went through a LOT together but i was just so angry and felt like i was going to hurt them or freak out on them whenever they were around like when they texted me that they were coming back from their trip when i had a day or two of antibiotics left i had a panic attack. i honestly was so happy to recover alone even though my friends were horrified that they just left me to it. our time living together was characterized mostly by me feeling stagnant and angry about how much better the deal they got when the school shut down was or how often they went out drinking for hours and hours + raging about how i didnt even really want to live there and wasnt saving any money because i couldn't i wasnt earning enough for anything other than bare minimum
it has been four months since i was injured and mutilated and couldn't help but blow up my life but i just feel so much shame and anger and more feelings i can't even name. for pretty much as long as i can remember i have been coping in various ways with sexual trauma and sometimes i would pray for something else bigger and more horrible to wash out the old feelings but it happened. it was the most pain i have ever been in and i'd just broken my hand and got three closed reductions without any painkillers whatsoever a few months previous. every single day i try not to think about it. i probably left a lot of stuff out or jumped around but i got it out and thats what matters
i am hoping to find ways to live in peace but i am living in the same circumstances that made me feel so isolated that i went inpatient just for a change of scenery when i was like 21 but i am, come hell or high water, finishing the first leg of my degree path this year and trying to make a good life for myself. i haven't been outside of a sexual partnership for longer than like a month or two since i was ELEVEN but i have just been doing a lot of reading and trying to find myself, i don't know. i just feel so tired. stop the world!!! i want to get off!!!!!
