Sufferer PTSD after being in ICU for over a month after an infection lead to Bacterial meningitis

[Survive Mia Moony]

Last September I had an ear ache… a day letter I was found unconscious in my flat by the police, who were alerted by my employer as I’d failed to ring in sick (which isn’t like me) all I then remembered is waking up in ICU at my local hospital being told I had bacterial meningitis.., I started to improve but then relapsed and a few days later I woke up in John Radcliffe hospital, after emergency surgery for an infection in my brain… I was then told I’d had a very rare stroke, in my superior sagital sinus and I’d had a brain probe and it was touch and go as to whether I’d make it through… I made a steady recovery but after a few weeks of being discharged, I had massive survivors guilt and health anxiety… everywhere I went I felt the constant need to stay away from people and constantly using anti bac gel… I had constant nightmares (but no actual memory flashbacks) of what I’d gone through… I couldn’t comprehend why I was still alive… I’m anxious every day and constantly worry about infection… I had a massive seizure and the oxygen to my brain had been starved and I guess I’m lucky that I wasn’t left disabled… but the question I always ask myself, is why am I still here, when many aren’t… on a daily basis i constantly find lumps etc… and think if I had an illness, that they’d not be able to treat me… my dreams are always about my family saying there’s no help for me and that they have to let me go… them some are consultants saying they have to let me slip away naturally… I have fear all the time of dying… the faces I see in my dreams are distorted and almost ‘monster like’

I know through brain ‘injury’ that I’m never going to be 100% me again… I’ve used alcohol and wreckless behaviour as a crutch and I just feel that no one understands

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum.

That’s a lot to go through - the anxiety that you’re describing sounds crippling. Hope you are getting some support for that, because it’s definitely something you can heal from:)

 

[KA60]

Last September I had an ear ache… a day letter I was found unconscious in my flat by the police, who were alerted by my employer as I’d failed to ring in sick (which isn’t like me) all I then remembered is waking up in ICU at my local hospital being told I had bacterial meningitis.., I started to improve but then relapsed and a few days later I woke up in John Radcliffe hospital, after emergency surgery for an infection in my brain… I was then told I’d had a very rare stroke, in my superior sagital sinus and I’d had a brain probe and it was touch and go as to whether I’d make it through… I made a steady recovery but after a few weeks of being discharged, I had massive survivors guilt and health anxiety… everywhere I went I felt the constant need to stay away from people and constantly using anti bac gel… I had constant nightmares (but no actual memory flashbacks) of what I’d gone through… I couldn’t comprehend why I was still alive… I’m anxious every day and constantly worry about infection… I had a massive seizure and the oxygen to my brain had been starved and I guess I’m lucky that I wasn’t left disabled… but the question I always ask myself, is why am I still here, when many aren’t… on a daily basis i constantly find lumps etc… and think if I had an illness, that they’d not be able to treat me… my dreams are always about my family saying there’s no help for me and that they have to let me go… them some are consultants saying they have to let me slip away naturally… I have fear all the time of dying… the faces I see in my dreams are distorted and almost ‘monster like’

I know through brain ‘injury’ that I’m never going to be 100% me again… I’ve used alcohol and wreckless behaviour as a crutch and I just feel that no one understands

I got bacterial meningitis of my brain in may 2014 from chronic sinusitis. Craniotomy done to remove abcess left temporal lobe..In a medically induced coma on a vent septic multi organ failure. Dialysis. Cardiopulomary aresst. I resonate with your post. I was hospitalized 30 days. Many antibiotics of so called last resort used. Vancom6cin daptomycin. Not expected to live. Definitely not expected to live independently. After hospital discharge went into nursing home in a wheel chair. I barely missed being placed in long tetm acute care as my infection was brought under control. The organisms were MRSA and pseudomonas. I am a retired nurse. Was RN. First deceased husband was internet online porn addict.
He had many comorbities . He did not care for himself. The good little codependent in me held his hand through his last breath..I walked out of the nursing home with a cane to Independent living after 3 weeks. Length of stay was expected to 6 weeks. I had to learn to talk walk etc again I rehearsed my medical knowledge - I have not stopped..
Something I learned was with my brain injury a process called neuroplasticity began..The brain heals makes new neural connections..I had 5 years of treatment with an allergist- immonologist. Dust mite allergies. Right have the craniotomy was done an ENT came in to do sinus surgery. He had me begin using a neil med sinus rinse with 1/4 teaspoon white vinegar. I saw him many times . Till the sinus culture's were free of all bacterial etc. I have cptsd. I have trauma recovery domestic violencd treatment. I see now that the transmission of transgenerational trauma ACEs etc contributed to my illness. Overmedicated by psychiatry many years when the root causes needed to be addressed..I have been seizure free since 2014. My last eeg showed breech rhythm which is not normal due to skull defect- mini plates and screws are there. I have seen it on xray- but the breech rhythm is non epileptic..I was tapered off clonazepam under medical supervision safely in 2017. It took 7 months..I could have had a seizure. I did not. I take now lamotrigine ER 100mg daily. My prior dose was 200mg daily. Taped again under medical supervision..i took prior to lamotrigine topiramate 400mg daiky. That was tapered under medical supervision to 150mg daily. People are scary. Especially now. Do you have a list of seizure triggers.? I do..One is extreme unnecessary emotional distress. I do not allow just anything or anyone access to me..i have a list- now memorized of traits of safe and unsafe people..i have made mistakes since 2014 allowing things in my life but took action to alter. I have a hepa filters running 24/7. Filter my water. Keep a clean household environment. In 2018 I legally changed my last name from my first deceased husband to my paternal grandmother's maiden.name. she was my favorite grandmother. My paternal grandfather has epilepsy and died at age 43. After any trauma no one is the same. I had a controlling family and I think they expected the same old me. They did not take the opportunity to learn or understand the recovery involved. It was relationship ending and alrering..I legally drive. I remartued live in NM. I have 2 dogs who are my legal ESAs. If you read my other posts I am marriec now to a vereran with ptsd and has has about 6 head injuries. He is convinced there is going to be a second civil wag imminent violence etc. Of course he has no issues. It is all me. I am scared of dying too. When you experience cardiopulmonary arrest another process occurs. It is called the wave of death in the brain. When the heart restarts etc the wave of life begins. I have got 0 tolerance for unsafe behavior addiction etc..I am far from perfect but when you are pulled back from the jaws of death and educate yourself life looks different. The word NO is very important to me. What happened to you and me was a gift a second chance. My first husband about 6 months before his death said to me I want to live to walk the green grass again. In 2017 I was outside walking my first dog who had become my ESA. I got that chance. You have been through a lot. I am so sorry