Sufferer Trying to live.

[tryingtolive101]

I always struggle with introductions. I'm a BIPOC person in their late 20s. I'm married to a lovely person. I'm neurodivergent, and very awkward.

I'm here because I'm tired. I don't have many close relationships, and I don't want to overburden the ones I do have.

Like many of you, I am not a stranger to abuse. I have spent much of my life fawning and dissociating. On paper, I'm pretty successful. I finished grad school, have several licenses, married an awesome person, etc., etc. But in the end I feel like a forgotten little kid in a world that would rather have me gone. I've been in and out of therapy for years and have recently started again. Even now, I remember being told that I'm throwing pity parties and too sensitive by my abuser(s). It's stupid, but it's actually very scary sharing these thoughts with the void. I have been toying with the idea of checking myself into the hospital.

I don't know why I struggle with friendships. I don't know why I'm so repulsive. I don't know why the antidepressants never work. I don't know why nothing works. So I'm here.

 

[littleoc]

Welcome you're not alone. I hope you find what you need.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum - glad you found us:)

It's stupid, but it's actually very scary sharing these thoughts with the void

Not stupid - it actually sounds like you’ve had a lot of experiences where being vulnerable wasn’t always met with kindness. So, it would make sense that’s something that now seems confronting.

Take it at the speed you’re comfortable with

 

[ms spock]

Welcome!

 

[PamelaS]

I always struggle with introductions. I'm a BIPOC person in their late 20s. I'm married to a lovely person. I'm neurodivergent, and very awkward.

I'm here because I'm tired. I don't have many close relationships, and I don't want to overburden the ones I do have.

Like many of you, I am not a stranger to abuse. I have spent much of my life fawning and dissociating. On paper, I'm pretty successful. I finished grad school, have several licenses, married an awesome person, etc., etc. But in the end I feel like a forgotten little kid in a world that would rather have me gone. I've been in and out of therapy for years and have recently started again. Even now, I remember being told that I'm throwing pity parties and too sensitive by my abuser(s). It's stupid, but it's actually very scary sharing these thoughts with the void. I have been toying with the idea of checking myself into the hospital.

I don't know why I struggle with friendships. I don't know why I'm so repulsive. I don't know why the antidepressants never work. I don't know why nothing works. So I'm here.

Welcome. You’re among people who get it. We’ve all been there to some extent or another. Feel free to explore. You can find many responses to many questions here.
It took a seasoned psychiatrist two years to find a combination of meds that worked for me. I still have to tweak it now and then. I haven’t found much help in hospital. My best experiences have been with a trauma based therapist who has also been through it. Don’t have to say much to be understood. I do better on my own doing my own thing with the support of my therapist going through resources and books from people who know what they’re doing, mostly because they’ve been there. Some good resources are:
* The Mind Keeps Score, Bessel Van Der Kolk
* PTSD & CPTSD workbooks
* Partcipating in online trauma recovery groups and educational materials on trauma (videos)
* some Somatic work

There are a lot of resources out there to help you understand what has happened to our bodies and minds and how to mitigate it all. it’s a step-by-step journey to healing. Doesn’t happen overnight, but it is possible to improve and to be able to function better. Lots of good information right here on this forum and plenty of seasoned participants who have been there and understand. Wishing you well on your journey to heal. One day at a time, with some bumps in the road along the way.