How Do You Build Armor?

[AzureMind]

Know/Feel where you stand on an issue but remain calm about it, and share it with another if the situation warrants it. Some people are 'repeat life offenders' and are ignorant because they lack a world view....they often don't see how their negativity/actions/words effect others, only how they hadn't intended that those words hurt....they need to be brought out of themselves in my opinion, and be given a world concept/view to consider....it will make them social "conscious" in a manner of speaking!...otherwise they repeat, and do harm to another....if they aren't interested in the light, leave them alone, and don't put yourself in harms way if enlightening them means you face harm of course :)

 

[Heather]

do you know yours yet

No. I'm still working on it.

 

[Bella T Walters]

I only recently learned something very odd about my mother, she can't be truthful to herself about her past, her choice to stay with a psychopathic insane man for 17 years and she can't possibly understand my pain when she truly just buries hers from shame. When I began to uncover horrible images from my past, my childhood of hell, I wanted my mother to validate me, to see me to hold me and say I love you. I spent nearly 5 years desperately wanting my mother to LOVE me and to show me how to love myself. My expectations of her were truly warped from the reality point of view. I was expecting her to be a completely different person. I expected her to be the mother she never could've been and the mother I know every child deserves and well, I am thinking a mother Theresa and Mary Poppins combo...and then what changed is that I stopped going to my MOTHER for anything other than well...not much now. When I gave up my expectation of her, because she did fail me as a child...I started to seek others to fill her role.

Part of my journey was and is that if I feel the need to continuously go to toxic people for advice and support, I am the only one to blame for that. My mother is flawed. If I want a different mother, I can now, as an adult start looking for one. It may seem cruel, but why in God's name would I continue going to an mean, cruel or toxic T, unless I truly wanted to be continually treated like crap.

I am not saying mother's are complete idiots and cruel at times, but if you just stop making your healing about making her be the mother she never was and likely never can be, then maybe you can just see her and say...hmmm...gee this woman is mean, cruel, toxic and down right NASTY, why in God's name do I keep going back for more?

Just like toxic friends, sometimes the relationships you have to cut are the family members that hurt you in the first place. Then once you have healed, if you want, you can allow that person to EARN a spot back into your life, and NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!

Just because she gave birth to you, does not mean you are always in debt to her...

 

[rockymountain]

Welcome Heather, in my opinion there is time for everything and if you feel that you are not yet ready to forgive then walking away from the relationship is better, I mean only having minimum conversations with your mother when it is necessary and staying away from your mother would help,that's what I am doing now, It will take time for you to forgive her and I tell you once you are over the hurt then dealing with your mother would become a lot more easier and you would also so calm. best wishes Heather.

 

[Nicolette]

While I am time poor right now and can't read the entire article - based on the title of this thread - I will say that the most harmful thing you can do is build yourself an armor in order to protect yourself from your mother as an adult. The best, and hardest thing to do, is get the hell away from someone like that.

There are many such discussions on this forum if you go searching.

I no longer have contact with my mother and Anthony even commented I am a better person for it. Hell, there is so much :poop: we have to deal with in our lives which we can't control; we can control who we allow near us and if they are pulling you down it's time to pull away.

I still love my mother out of respect, but I despise the way she treated and continued to treat me. Yes she may have had her reasons but she made her choices. Her choices affected my entire childhood and would be continuing today if I let it. Enough said!

 

[TEL]

There have been times in my life that I chose to not have a relationship with my mother or my father. It was absolutely necessary for my sanity and healing to stay away from them. Some of those times turned into years and I don't regret that.
My dad passed away 10 years ago. Although there was no way I could ever have a normal relationship with him, we did manage to speak on the phone the night before he died. After he died, the greatest grief I felt is the realization that he would never be the dad I longed for; never hear the words I longed to hear (like 'I'm sorry"). Gone was all hope that he would ever accept responsibility for murders committed, among many other things...
My mom is still alive. She is locked up in a Alzheimer's facility in another state. I do keep in touch with her, but I limit my time on the phone. My sister has not spoken to her or seen her in many years. Although it pains her to make that choice, it was necessary for her sanity. I respect that.

 

[AzureMind]

Keep looking for it Heather!! I'm only 22, I don't have my "exact" message either, but I'm almost certain I know what it is....before I die, I want to know this world will have a better concept of tolerance/awareness/consciousness on every level of life of their personal, interpersonal, social, and global lives. It kills me knowing that in a world making such great strides in technology pales in comparison to it's collective understanding of the human condition and it's POWERFUL capacity to effect others....seems backwards to me....

 

[Heather]

It will take time for you to forgive her

Unfortuately, she probably will be dead by the time that happens.

It pains me but I think you all are right. And even my therapist has been saying this to me (constantly) that being around her increases my symptoms. Therefore, the best thing to do is LIMIT THE CONTACT.

 

[TEL]

Unfortuately, she probably will be dead by the time that happens.

It pains me but I think you all are right. And even my therapist has been saying this to me (constantly) that being around her increases my symptoms. Therefore, the best thing to do is LIMIT THE CONTACT.

"It pains me...." Yes, it will pain you. But you're already in pain now, right?
There are two kinds of pain: 1-the pain of remaining the same, and 2 - the pain of change.
The first one, remaining the same, is a permanent pain. The second one, pain of change, is temporary.
As you let go of your mother by limiting contact, and find healthier people to support you when you need it (i.e., car rides and such), you are building good armour for yourself. This is good change that will be painful at times, but far better than the kind of pain you're experiencing when she lets you down over and over again.
When I began to do this with my mom years ago, I did feel sadness that I could not rely on her or share anything vulnerable-wise with her. But it sure did protect me from additional emotional abuse.
And I really understand about the forgiveness thing;'she probably will be dead by the time that happens' (quote).
My father was a truly evil man. When I thought of forgiving him, it made me repulsed. How could I forgive him? WHY should I forgive him? It didn't seem fair at all.
So I began to research what forgiveness meant and what it did not mean. It did NOT mean what he did wasn't that big of a deal (because it was). It did NOT mean reconciliation with him - because he was still a very dangerous man. It did NOT mean that I was not important - because I am (so are you Heather).
I was so full of hate, anger, despair. I had no love to give anyone. The bitterness was destroying me. I was self-destructing. I began to see that forgiveness could help me, release me. But it still wasn't something I could fathom doing. It was beyond me. Truly.
So I asked God to help me to forgive him. Some time passed. And one day, I found the ability to say in prayer, "I forgive my dad for....." and I went on with specifically what I was forgiving him for. I cried with a depth of knowing just how much I was forgiving. I cried with a depth of grief for all that had been done. And the most amazing thing happened: I could feel this LOVE pouring into my heart from above. It was like all that hatred and bitterness was emptying out of me and now there was something brand new pouring back into me. What release.
Yes, I still feel sadness. Yes, I am still healing after all these years. But there is a freedom in forgiveness that impacted my recovery; I would not be this well today had I not been willing to ask God to help me forgive.

 

[Philippa]

Great thread. I've enjoyed reading some of the intelligent responses here.

It's something that is relevant to me right now as well.

My father is in town and got my brother (his mini-me) to try and get me to give him my new phone number and address, as I have moved and changed my number and not told any of them, and am not ready to yet. The funny thing is he employed my brother to extract this information from me, when he has my email address, and could easily have asked for it...but I suspect he knew I wouldn't give it to him, so he thought he'd be sneaky and get my brother (who I am on speaking terms with) to get them from me.

Luckily they all know that I don't check my emails that often and I'm not really a computer person, so I can get away with saying that I just didn't read the email.

The point is, it feels good to have control over how he can reach me...which at the moment is only by email. I don't want to be put on the spot and feel like I have to go to dinner with him because he has summoned me, after yet another time where he has chosen to pretend none of the past 5 months even happened, as he ignored my email telling him that I will not be invalidated or have my reality negated anymore, and that rifling through my personal diary is a violation of my privacy and abusive, and to then blame me for 'damaging the relationship' is just laughable.

He is not worthy of my time and attention, and he doesn't get that yet.

I used to stress about the fact that he was getting older, and I "should" forgive him before he dies...which is the ideal, but in reality you can't push or force this to happen. Forgiveness is a process, sometimes a very slow one, and each individual takes their own time in reaching the point where they are capable of granting forgiveness. If it means that he has to die before I can manage to fully forgive him then so be it. It's not the way I want it, and I love him as well as hate him for the way he has behaved towards me all these years, but I won't be forced into a false relationship just to satisfy his need to live a fake life with fake relationships, to perpetuate the lie that is his life...that's not my reality and I won't be pressured into pretending that everything is ok, when it's not!

I can't force him to apologize or admit that he was in the wrong, not me, and that it's hurtful and abusive to blame me for the damage he has done to me. He has to earn that trust, it's not something he is just entitled to because he planted a seed 36 years ago, and paid for my education and food.

Respect has to be earned, whether you are a parent or new friend etc. Trust is something that is built and earned, and once it's been broken or shattered, it takes time to re-build...which he doesn't get! He doesn't even get that he has damaged me, and is living in a state of denial. There can be no relationship without trust, and he blew it!