The worst part

[willus]

I had a terrible childhood. Abused daily in some way. I don't even remember a hug or an I love you. I remember almost everything else though. I'm 51, still suffer daily from this condition. Cptsd. I have 1 friend I've had since childhood. I've been in so many relationships. They all end the same. My therapist told me, I get into them with girls and ignore the red flags, because being in a dysfunctional relationship seems normal to me. All of them have been bad for me in one way or another. Getting divorced Friday, from a narcissist. I just don't know how to function normally or what normal even is. I just take the abuse and don't do anything about it. Its like I need abused or it doesn't feel right? No one gets me. I'm hyper-vigilant to a point that's terrible. My brain tracks even the slightest tone change and goes into protection mode. I've probably had some really good girls in my life, maybe. 1 perceived or seen detail and boom, I can't trust that person and it goes downhill from there. I can't function normally. Whatever that is. I know I'm not normal. I take on emotions around for me from other people. I can tell a shady person basically from a min or 2 of talking to them. Unless it's a smiling g girl. Then nothing else matters. I can't seem to break any cycles. I can't forget what was done to me my whole entire childhood. It's ever present. Haunted by memories I can't forget, and it runs my life. The worst part.......I know it will never change. I was wired this way when I was suppose to be protected and loved. There isn't a drug or therapy that can help. I have brain damage according to phycology. I'm such a unique person. I love people around me. I try to help anyone that needs it. I'd stop on a highway to change a tire for a perfect stranger. But I can't seem to be loved by anyone. Every girl I've been with has destroyed me even more than I already am. I just don't get it. Am I that broken? Or is it the company I attract? I cant seem to get it right. Sorry for the rant.

 

[Movingforward10]

I think you have reached out and started another thread similar to this?

When we keep attracting the same type of person we need to work on what is attracting us to them. It's on us to change. Not the other people.

I.e if you keep doing the same thing, yet hoping for a different outcome, you are going to go round and round on circles.

You notice you are hyper vigilant. In your other thread you also mention that you devote yourself to someone.
Both those things are unhealthy.

We all do it. But it's learning what is past traumatic adaptations and what is healthy in a relationship.

The only way this will change is if you are brutally honest with yourself about what it is you are doing that is repeating these patterns. And then learning not to do them

In the other thread someone suggested working on yourself before having a new relationship and it sounds like that would be a good option?

We all get it. We're all here because we have had trauma and it has impacted us. We all are here to learn and grow. So you are in good company.

Hard truths are sometimes needed as otherwise we can remain in a victim mindset, where we feel hopeless and we believe we have no agency to change. But we can. Slowly, sometimes incredibly painfully slowly, but it is within our gift to work on ourselves and live life in a more peaceful way.

 

[bluebinstein]

I had a terrible childhood. Abused daily in some way. I don't even remember a hug or an I love you. I remember almost everything else though. I'm 51, still suffer daily from this condition. Cptsd. I have 1 friend I've had since childhood. I've been in so many relationships. They all end the same. My therapist told me, I get into them with girls and ignore the red flags, because being in a dysfunctional relationship seems normal to me. All of them have been bad for me in one way or another. Getting divorced Friday, from a narcissist. I just don't know how to function normally or what normal even is. I just take the abuse and don't do anything about it. Its like I need abused or it doesn't feel right? No one gets me. I'm hyper-vigilant to a point that's terrible. My brain tracks even the slightest tone change and goes into protection mode. I've probably had some really good girls in my life, maybe. 1 perceived or seen detail and boom, I can't trust that person and it goes downhill from there. I can't function normally. Whatever that is. I know I'm not normal. I take on emotions around for me from other people. I can tell a shady person basically from a min or 2 of talking to them. Unless it's a smiling g girl. Then nothing else matters. I can't seem to break any cycles. I can't forget what was done to me my whole entire childhood. It's ever present. Haunted by memories I can't forget, and it runs my life. The worst part.......I know it will never change. I was wired this way when I was suppose to be protected and loved. There isn't a drug or therapy that can help. I have brain damage according to phycology. I'm such a unique person. I love people around me. I try to help anyone that needs it. I'd stop on a highway to change a tire for a perfect stranger. But I can't seem to be loved by anyone. Every girl I've been with has destroyed me even more than I already am. I just don't get it. Am I that broken? Or is it the company I attract? I cant seem to get it right. Sorry for the rant.

it's just the nature of cptsd unfortunatly. and it's so complex. you will find a way to break the cycle if you keep focusing on that task. there was a point where i sat and asked my self very seriously what i even want in a partner or why i even want one. really find the exact cause that causes the particular quality you are looking for. i feel like society gets us all hyped up to be in a relationship when most people don't even understand what it takes to create a healthy environment for a healthy relationship to thrive. that is the exact nature of cptsd. learning to be the parent i wish i had as an adult is so difficult but it is possible. learn to be present and grounded. there are so many exercises to choose from just google it. ai can even walk you through it.
they say with narcissists to learn to be the grey rock. but i've found that learning to be the grey rock to my cptsd because it isn't my identify. and it took me decades to learn how to identify as my present self, it's a never ending journey really. so buckle up buttercup!

 

[KA60]

I think you have reached out and started another thread similar to this?

When we keep attracting the same type of person we need to work on what is attracting us to them. It's on us to change. Not the other people.

I.e if you keep doing the same thing, yet hoping for a different outcome, you are going to go round and round on circles.

You notice you are hyper vigilant. In your other thread you also mention that you devote yourself to someone.
Both those things are unhealthy.

We all do it. But it's learning what is past traumatic adaptations and what is healthy in a relationship.

The only way this will change is if you are brutally honest with yourself about what it is you are doing that is repeating these patterns. And then learning not to do them

In the other thread someone suggested working on yourself before having a new relationship and it sounds like that would be a good option?

We all get it. We're all here because we have had trauma and it has impacted us. We all are here to learn and grow. So you are in good company.

Hard truths are sometimes needed as otherwise we can remain in a victim mindset, where we feel hopeless and we believe we have no agency to change. But we can. Slowly, sometimes incredibly painfully slowly, but it is within our gift to work on ourselves and live life in a more peaceful way.

I really appreciate your post as I am taking a look at me more with these issues.one way I look at is pattern recognition..My latest with me- if our neighbors who drink yell at each other approach me to talk I will say please stay away from me. They have exhibited too many red flags..