Sharing Symptoms With Caregivers: An Exacerbation?

[Kintsugi]

I have experienced an extreme fear of men and hypervigilance since I was very young, perhaps seven or eight. Throughout my life it was often suggested that my extreme perception of danger was inappropriate, and some people worried that something was wrong. I disclosed my abuse at 14 but didn't hear about PTSD until 15 or 16, so when I was confronted earlier by these concerns I would blame it on my mother's paranoia. Learning about hypervigilance clarified these feelings for me, but my mother is still extremely paranoid (I would say almost as badly as I), and I now know that she suffered a lot of the same abuse that I did (sibling sexual abuse, date rape from a narc who was trying to get close to her brother--the other abuser, who was dealing on campus--through dating her). I am wondering if her behavior/paranoia hasn't made my potential for this symptom much worse. I'm not saying this necessarily because I think it will help my healing greatly to know. I just think that this is an interesting factor in my symptoms, and I wonder if anyone else has experienced being with someone who is in PTSD denial (she has a lot of the symptoms, not just hypervigilance, but she refuses to seek help for any of her problems, childhood/youth or otherwise) has influenced their experience this way.

 

[becvan]

I can't say I had anyone in my life like that, however my son did! I had uncontrolled PTSD for most of his formative years and hypervigilance is one of my worst symptoms. It was one of his worst too. He didn't seem to have as many severe symptoms as me though (different traumas, different PTSD I guess.) He's also has his managed already at age 15! So I can see where I affected his PTSD greatly and yet there are such huge differences between our PTSD. Not only his therapists, but he also says that I am a huge reason why he did so well. And it wasn't just my support that he learned from, it was my mistakes. :)

bec

 

[Reclusive]

You can't make her get help, unfortunately. She has to want to. But you can be kind, understanding, and there for her if you want. Watch for her triggers and avoid activating them if you can. That kind of thing.

 

[Kintsugi]

You can't make her get help, unfortunately. She has to want to. But you can be kind, understanding, and there for her if you want. Watch for her triggers and avoid activating them if you can.

The problem is that my mother seems to see me as her ultimate target for all of her stress. I vividly recall between the ages of 10-13 being referred to (by her) as her "emotional trashcan." We laughed over this... when I was younger I felt that my mother needed me to be there for her because everyone else seemed to ignore her/take her for granted in the family. But I seem to be her trigger, me. I am her youngest child and she expresses sentiments that she expects me to be her successor in terms of looking after the well being of the family. I don't know what counts as verbal abuse, but I feel like we went through some version of this. I was homeschooled, so she was my ultimate authority. She would check over my work, and if I got more than three out of thirty math problems wrong, she would yell at me for anywhere between 3-5 hours, until I was under a table. I knew even then that it was her other stresses talking, and now that I am older, this situation isn't possible. But she finds other ways to harangue me or torment me, constantly questions why I'm not 'over' everything that's happened, and often tells me things that I know are just her showing me how much control she still has over me. I just want to tell her that she needs help and to stop looking to me for her emotional release. I didn't verbally bash her as a child. I didn't molest her. I didn't rape her. This all sounds so calloused, but I'm very upset with how she's dealt with her trauma when she constantly assumes I'm just not embracing the emotional work it takes to make me all better and fine.

I guess this is a larger issue than what I originally thought/presented. I'm getting increasingly more upset over my history with her behavior and my behavior, though, and I don't know how to pull my share of the work when every time I talk to her she seems to just drag me into her black hole.

Thanks for your support and replies.

 

[Reclusive]

I don't want to be a giant jerk, but maybe it's time to wean your mother off you. It sounds like you're the mother and she the child and it shouldn't be that way. Ideally, you would be two adults relating to each other and mutually supporting each other, but it really sounds like that isn't happening. Not that I have any special information or expertise or anything like that, but it really sounds like you need your own support system and to establish boundaries with your mother.