An Overwhelming Preoccupation With Revenge, Seeking Rescuers

[Kintsugi]

I don't know how many people here feel this way, but my preoccupation with revenge permeates almost all of my interactions with other people.

When I was younger, I looked for the meanest most possessive/obsessive guys I could find because I believed that they would protect/avenge me. My T at the time told me that I was trying to correct my childhood issues (sexual abuse by older brother as well as many other older boys connected to him) by attempting to create circumstances in which I would be saved, even this came in the form of a guy 'saving' me from the world by not allowing me to participate in normal life. When I fully recognized these behaviors, I stopped making the same mistakes and getting caught up in increasingly more abusive/dangerous relationships, but I did not stop looking for protective qualities. I always made friends with giant guys and was attracted to men with a history of fighting experience.

The problem is, I'm constantly on the lookout for my savior. I'm engaged now to someone who is dedicating his life to martial arts and who has been impressively decorated in that field. He is no-nonsense and would never allow someone to harm me. I feel safe when I'm with him. The problem is that I still obsessively crave retribution, usually unconsciously and then I realize that my behaviors or words originate from that fixation. I have always rejected the many offers I have received to kill/mutilate/otherwise attack my abusers, but I know that part of me really wants that.

My brother has never suffered consequences from anyone for what he did to me, except in the form of me distancing myself from him. I feel like I am always carrying loaded guns around because of my connections but I have never dared pulled any of the triggers. At the same time, some part of me believes I will never feel whole unless somebody does something that looks consequential to those who have hurt me.

I don't trust the legal system because I believe my parents would fund my brother's case, and that is not what I want. If he will not express any remorse or guilt or accountability, I want somebody to make him feel powerless the way he made me feel powerless. I know that violence is a cycle but I can't get my head out of these loops. Some girls fantasize about the dress they will wear at their wedding, the cake, the ceremony. I fantasize about all the wrong guys getting sh*t tanked and killing my brother in the midst of my celebration. The picture feels as happy as any my-dress-will-be-so-pretty vision.

 

[Heather]

I feel the same way as you. My father has not had to face any consequences for having sex with me when I was 11y/o. My cousin has gotten off scott-free for making sexual advances towards me when I was 13y/o and he was 15y/o. And most recently about 3 years ago my brother-in-law sexually assaulted me and he GOT AWAY WITH IT!

My sister doesn't believe me because "I'm a liar and all I do is lie". My mother got mad at me for calling the police and to pour salt into the wound she's spending easter at their house! Once again leaving me and my daughter ALONE on a holiday.

So, I completely and totally understand your rage! And yes, they should be SHOT AND CASTRATED!!! But if you go and act out solely based on emotion you're going to be the one that loses. I called a gun store once and inquired about buying a shotgun. 'cause I knew my aim sucked and the pellets of a shotgut would spread out. I was seriously contemplating driving to Maryland and blowing my dad away. He deserved it but I'd goto jail. Vigilante justice is no excuse for premeditated murder.

I'm gonna say something you're not gonna like: the reality of the situation is your brother probably will never admit to it, never validate your feelings or give you what you want. And that F**KING SUCKS!!!!!

You need to focus on you. Heal yourself for you. F*ck him. F*ck everybody else. Put all your energy onto you and making your life better. Hopefully he'll contract some horrid disease and his d*ck will drop off:):p oh, this goes for my brother-in-law too HA!

Big Hugs. Heather

 

[Kintsugi]

Hopefully he'll contract some horrid disease and his d*ck will drop off:):p oh, this goes for my brother-in-law too HA!

Ha! God I need that laugh, Heather, thank you so much. My fiance gives me the weirdest looks when he knows I'm on this site but laughing my a** off. That kind of rage that you displayed, that too is what I needed. I just need to know that not everybody is deaf to me.

I should focus on me. Thankfully, since my disclosure of abuse and the subsequent failure of my family to react helpfully, my brother has done nothing but prove himself to be more and more incompetent as a human being. He is totally inept at being functional at all. He has always failed at everything in which I succeed wildly, and he is quickly digging himself a hole that will be hard to get out of. Hopefully, my parents will wake up one day to the fact that, abuser of their baby daughter or no, there is a grown man living in their basement who is a failure as a member of society as well as as a family member and tenant. I, on the other hand, should be receiving my doctorate around this time and laughing. So. Effing. Hard. In the meantime, I will window-shop for shoes with which to dance on his grave. I hope all of the people who have harmed you and I will share a miserable room in hell together.

Here's to living among angels like you, Heather.

 

[Heather]

should be receiving my doctorate.

That is Sooo Awesome!!! I am so happy for you:D.

Your brother sounds like he's getting exactly what he deserves in life = sh*t. Karma really does exist.

 

[mamachick]

Im with you on the fantasy MissAntiSunshine. For me, not a relative and nothing to the extent of your abuse. I was assaulted by a cop that thought I was someone else. I did nothing wrong, yet my self esteem has deteriorated since then. Even though his department knew he did wrong, they did nothing about it. Ive never been in legal trouble, im open minded and tolerant of others mistakes. Even an apology would have helped. Its made me bitter and I hate that. My fantasy has not been personal revenge, its more been in bad wishes and is not even isolated to him but to all local cops as they lie for each other. Ive hoped bad comes to them all-that is so wrong, I know it. Like hoping he get paralized through violence (not by my hand) and that his kids have to see him like that. A local good cop got killed by a drunk driver and my heart went out to his family so I know that my thoughts are not all bad. I already had ptsd so he didnt cause it, but I became suicidal afterwards.

I dont know how to get past it.

 

[karissa]

preoccupation with revenge is very common with ptsd but can become extreme and it is not to be taken lightly. i hope that butthole brother of yours does get his junk chopped off! that's awful.

 

[Philippa]

Wow, this is so similar to me, it's scary.

I have also found myself drawn to men who are big, martial arts fighters who are mean and who make me feel safe, even though another part of me wants to be able to protect myself more, and not have to resort to a man to protect me, even though I know that there is nothing inherently wrong with that, I just find it more empowering to be able to protect myself and not rely on a man for that.

The guy I got rid of recently was exactly as you describe, and he was horribly vile and said the most degrading things to me, and yet I stayed, because most of the time I felt safe...until I didn't and felt like "who will protect me for my protector".

I was once in your shoes, contemplating revenge...dwelling on it, every day wanting to break every bone in his body and bury him alive with nothing but a straw to breath with, out in the forest somewhere, where no one would ever find him (not that anyone would be looking for or miss a piece of scum like him anyway)...but in the end, it would have destroyed me too. I chose to work on healing myself...and that's the best revenge, to not let them destroy you. You win by healing yourself and not focussing on them at all. It may not feel like a win, and it may not be as satisfying as dancing on his blood stained corpse, but that's the way to win, IMO anyway.

That doesn't mean you aren't totally justified in wanting him to die a bloody and tortuous death, because you are. Maybe being your own savior is what you are really needing? I know that's something I will be taking into consideration as well.

 

[ronin47]

For a minute I honestly thought someone had bumped an earlier thread because the sentiment is exactly the same. That should tell you something; you're definately not alone with these feelings.

Nothing good can ever come of you holding onto these feelings. If you act on them, it will mean you getting locked up. So maybe, yes, you've gotten your retribution, but it's your victim that gets the last laugh because your the one who ends up with legal consequences. If you don't act on those feelings, they will progressively eat away at you inside. Besides, revenge won't take the pain away. Hurting your abuser is not going to undo what happened and the effect it had on you. My therapist explained this to me one day; "If you woke up tommorrow and the whole world was exactly the way you wanted it to be, you still wouldn't be okay." They only way you can get beyond your trauma is to become preoccupied with yourself. And I don't mean that you should be narcissistic. You must become preoccupied with putting your own well being before anything, even the imposed suffering of those who have done you wrong. From what you've told me, your brother is paying his penalty. And sorry to disappoint you, but he put himself in that place, it wasn't your anger that caused him to live in a basement.

He's already influenced you enough in a negative way. Don't let your brother control you anymore by allowing him to provoke you to anger every waking moment of your life.

 

[Kintsugi]

I appreciate the empowering messages I am getting about self care. I agree that focusing on me is more important, and I've tried to imbue myself with this belief consciously and diligently for the past five years, but I am still fixated.

Philippa, I literally wish I were my own savior. I have horrible, terrible, helpless dreams. I am always completely weak, like a rag doll, in my nightmares. I can never scream. The closest I have gotten is waking to my own whining in reality. I am totally robbed of outside help. I once called 911 in a dream and the operator said, "I'm sorry, we aren't able to help you," and hung up. My point is, my non-real/non-present experiences (dreams, flashbacks) have shaped my brother into a monster who is omnipotent in my mind. His control has always felt absolute, irrefutable.

In reality, he's a pushover. In fact, he is repulsively weak. I probably could have started kicking his a*s when I was eleven. Not to mention, he's dumb as a brick. I could bulldoze him verbally. I could probably humiliate him to death if I had that sort of strength. That's just the problem. He makes me feel powerless--no strength, no will. Fear. Complacency. He still controls me in so many ways. When I actually have to see him, the feeling of suffocation is unbearable. In less than twenty-four hours I cannot remember one good thing about life and become a child, albeit a suicidal one. Sometimes I think that perhaps I should just take my own revenge. Maybe this is what I need. My parents won't press charges against me. Hell, my brother wouldn't have the guts to make it publicly known that I wrecked him for sexually abusing me throughout my young childhood and failing to take any accountability. The problem is, I'm worried I'll either just fall apart, freeze, regress, fall to silence and stillness and fear. I am now begging my fiance to teach me some self-defense, because he is leaving for China and I'm scared to walk the dog at night or, you know, function in a partially male society after sundown. I also wonder if I would ever be ready to employ this for my brother.

I know, I know. Self-care. But, oh, my fiance said the MAGIC WORDS (when I told him Heather said my brother's dick should fall off--hah!). I've waited so long, so long, so long to hear just this: (within the wedding context fantasy given earlier) "I wouldn't kill him. I would just knock him the f*ck on out, and just curse out your parents. Sober the whole time, then I would start drinking." Yes, yes, these things come with repercussions, but I've been waiting for just that situation, even just the desire for that exact situation, since my disclosure. One punch and some noise is all I've ever truly wanted.

Thank you for telling me that you can relate. It makes me feel less guilty and also more encouraged to continue to work on centering my thoughts on myself instead of on him. The nightmares have just been so consistent, and this makes everything worse.

 

[Kintsugi]

I appreciate the empowering messages I am getting about self care. I agree that focusing on me is more important, and I've tried to imbue myself with this belief consciously and diligently for the past five years, but I am still fixated.

Philippa, I literally wish I were my own savior. I have horrible, terrible, helpless dreams. I am always completely weak, like a rag doll, in my nightmares. I can never scream. The closest I have gotten is waking to my own whining in reality. I am totally robbed of outside help. I once called 911 in a dream and the operator said, "I'm sorry, we aren't able to help you," and hung up. My point is, my non-real/non-present experiences (dreams, flashbacks) have shaped my brother into a monster who is omnipotent in my mind. His control has always felt absolute, irrefutable.

In reality, he's a pushover. In fact, he is repulsively weak. I probably could have started kicking his a*s when I was eleven. Not to mention, he's dumb as a brick. I could bulldoze him verbally. I could probably humiliate him to death if I had that sort of strength. That's just the problem. He makes me feel powerless--no strength, no will. Fear. Complacency. He still controls me in so many ways. When I actually have to see him, the feeling of suffocation is unbearable. In less than twenty-four hours I cannot remember one good thing about life and become a child, albeit a suicidal one. Sometimes I think that perhaps I should just take my own revenge. Maybe this is what I need. My parents won't press charges against me. Hell, my brother wouldn't have the guts to make it publicly known that I wrecked him for sexually abusing me throughout my young childhood and failing to take any accountability. The problem is, I'm worried I'll either just fall apart, freeze, regress, fall to silence and stillness and fear. I am now begging my fiance to teach me some self-defense, because he is leaving for China and I'm scared to walk the dog at night or, you know, function in a partially male society after sundown. I also wonder if I would ever be ready to employ this for my brother.

I know, I know. Self-care. But, oh, my fiance said the MAGIC WORDS (when I told him Heather said my brother's dick should fall off--hah!). I've waited so long, so long, so long to hear just this: (within the wedding context fantasy given earlier) "I wouldn't kill him. I would just knock him the f*ck on out, and just curse out your parents. Sober the whole time, then I would start drinking." Yes, yes, these things come with repercussions, but I've been waiting for just that situation, even just the desire for that exact situation, since my disclosure. One punch and some noise is all I've ever truly wanted.

Thank you for telling me that you can relate. It makes me feel less guilty and also more encouraged to continue to work on centering my thoughts on myself instead of on him. The nightmares have just been so consistent, and this makes everything worse.

 

[Frank Shore]

The person females have to fear most in life is their partner. If you have a physically intimidating partner what will you do the day he turns on you? Most relationships end badly. Who will defend you when you and your martial arts boyfriend become enemies? How would you feel if someone like him was enemy? That is likely to happen if you are with him long enough. Will he allow you to just walk away from him if the two of you grow apart? There a high liklihood he will turn his anger at you, if you ever decide you need to leave him.