Preoccupation with Death and Dying

[BigMaya]

I can relate, absolutely. And the older we get... l'm 70 now, my husband has been diagnosed with the big C, we have no one left, so yes dying and death in all variations have become a constant presence in my life.

 

[mamachick]

whiteraven I feel like I could have written your post. In this covid boredom, I ordered a pair of boots for myself for Christmas. I haven't wore them and think I will send them back. By the time we can go out in the winter, I probably won't be here. I do this all the time.Now if were something that my daughter can use, it feels better. I know she will have it if I die. Its like a shadow over me. When spring comes, I just kind of cant see past this week, and its been this way for 10 years and Im 63. Ive also withdrawn from many friends. I dont make plans because I have trouble following thru. I physically dont feel well a lot. A couple weeks ago, my lung dr told me to start thinking of a lung transplant. Now I am feeling like I have had reason to think the way I do. Yet I know, we either spend our time living or spend it dying. I dont want to die. I think mine might come from a thought process that says "Dont want anything, dont expect anything, it will never happen" That applies to relationships, health etc. IDK.

 

[whiteraven]

its been this way for 10 years and Im 63

I'm 60, and I totally get that. It's been years for me, too, although I do sometimes have a reprieve.

A couple weeks ago, my lung dr told me to start thinking of a lung transplant.

Oh, wow...I'm sorry!

Yet I know, we either spend our time living or spend it dying.

I know this, too, but it doesn't help to just know it, you know?

 

[Wasn't-Born-Crazy]

@whiteraven Just going to share some of my own experience and thoughts, but please take what is helpful and ignore what is not. In January of 2012, I fell down the stairs and woke up in the ER with a doc telling me I had cancer. Upon testing I found I had a cancer that I had never heard of and the crazy thing is, it has no cure and at the time the long term survival rate statistics sucked. Yup, it set me back and what compounded it was my own guilt of trying to take my own life not even two years prior. Struggled for a couple of years as I treated aggressively and spent time planning on how to "get everything in order for my husband and my children".

Ultimately, I went into remission and death was not my focus, nor my future demise, but that I was still alive and decided that I would really start living my life to the fullest. This past spring I came out of remission and am actively treating the cancer again. Only this time, it isn't defining my life other than the many doctors appointments, some of the cancer and drug side effects, but it is a treatment and I am living with the goal of getting better. Also, I've had to change up some of my schedule, plans and what I can and cannot do at this point in time, but I am busy living each day and making future plans.
,
I'm 61 and definitely not ready to focus on the end, but focusing on the day, week, month, year and the next five years. I have goals, plans and am enjoying being me. Focus on what you enjoy and do it. Watch a sunrise/sunset, buy a bird feeder, try a new recipe, try a new coffee creamer or tea, take an animal at the shelter for a walk or some small thing that will brighten your day, but do it every day. When the thoughts invade, mindfulness is really a good tool, as are I Love Lucy episodes.

Your not alone in this and there are days I find myself living under the shadow of a fear of death, but I give it the middle finger salute and roll on.

I like your attitude! I hope you beat that cancer!

 

[ladee]

@whiteraven are you afraid you won't be remembered? Or can you get really honest with yourself as to the 'why' you think and feel this way? Because as we age, I feel it is normal for us to think differently about a lot of things. We are truly faced with our 'impermanence' for the first time. And it can be depressing. Especially if we didn't live a full life and have regrets. I've tried to live my life with as few regrets as possible. Of course I've missed opportunities, but maybe I'll get another chance. Maybe not. Doesn't even matter.

I know that having a deliberate purpose in my life has helped me to not be too preoccupied with 'when I'm gone'. I've lived that 'purpose' to the best of my ability even in my hardest times. People are going to remember me. I know that sounds so arrogant. But it is also my truth so it matters to me.

I have been grieving my favorite time of my life here lately. I think that is normal. I so want to go back to that time again. But can only do it in memories. So I don't have any suggestions that you haven't already tried. Maybe just accepting this is something that has always been on your mind will help. But there is a 'why' to your feelings. I hope you find that answer and can then live out what time you have left with less depression and more freedom.

 

[whiteraven]

are you afraid you won't be remembered? Or can you get really honest with yourself as to the 'why' you think and feel this way?

Thanks, @ladee. No, I don't worry about not being remembered. I'm not sure it's so much with *me* dying as it is just with death generally. I can't wrap my head around "not being." About folks who die not having a place in the world. Being...just, gone. Sometimes, I'm fine with it, but at others...

With me specifically, it's more about knowing life is finite and not seeing a purpose in doing anything because of that. I've studied impermanence for several years, so I get it, but *knowing* just doesn't help the feeling I get. I've always wanted it to be just about the journey, but I can't get past the awful feelings.

 

[ladee]

That makes me sad for you @whiteraven. Not the same as feeling sorry for you. It makes me feel an emptiness seeing your words. I guess I've never met anyone that feels this way. So in some ways it's interesting what happened in your life that causes this 'haunting'. That's the word I use when I think about what you must feel and think about. But it also makes me sad.

Yet I've seen some of the photos you've posted and they are always so alive and interesting. Movement and beauty. Just know that even tho I don't understand how you feel, I do hope it has not been a lonely life for you. That is probably projection on my part. I'm glad you posted. Helps me to see things a little differently in relation to how I see and feel life.

I don't know if you are looking for answers or just sharing how you feel, but I do appreciate that you shared.

 

[whiteraven]

Oh my gosh, @ladee, thank you so much for your reply. Not sure why, but it's the first real time I've felt *heard* when it comes to all of this.

o in some ways it's interesting what happened in your life that causes this 'haunting'. That's the word I use when I think about what you must feel and think about. But it also makes me sad.

Wow..."haunting" is a great way to describe what it's like! I wish I could remember when it first started; I suspect something triggered it, but I just don't remember. I am thinking I may have captured it in a journal - might be interesting to go back and see if I can find anything.

Yet I've seen some of the photos you've posted and they are always so alive and interesting. Movement and beauty.

Thank you for this. When I take a photo, I really bond in a special way with my subject. I think it's why I don't take many pictures of people - I only feel able to bond with animals, plants, and anything in nature.

I do hope it has not been a lonely life for you.

Hm...I think I have missed out on connection with others in many, many ways over the years, and yes, there is some sense of loneliness that is probably stronger now that I'm older. People always tell me to get out there and make friends or get involved with others, and it's just not me. I used to have a couple of close friends, but they died. I haven't really had close friends for years. And honestly, I don't want that anymore. I do a LOT of stuff, and the time I spend interacting with people during those times is plenty. I think I would not be lonely being alone if I felt...I don't know, if I were content with my life.

 

[ladee]

What would it take to feel content? Do you have ideas about that? One of the greatest things I ever heard was from a guy I knew a long time ago that talked about how people get so discouraged when they aren't 'happy' all the time. He said he desired to be 'reasonably happy'. Meaning he understood life is life. Ups and downs and round and rounds.

And I agree with you about as we get older and having friends. I do have friends, but I very much cherish my solitude. It's more about the quaility of people in my life today, not the quantity.

I've had a very full life, I do miss my younger years and the fun and freedom, and I lost my son two years ago which has thrown me into a place I've never been before. But my own death is rarely thought about. I have very few regrets because of that full life.

I truly hope some how some way you find out why this is an ongoing preoccupation and find ways to come to term with it. I know I'm not wording things clearly but I feel you know what I mean. Because we really don't know what happens when we die. Religion says one thing, Atheists say another, Some believe in reincarnation and we get to come back. I hope you find some peace with this. Gentle hugs to you WR.

 

[whiteraven]

What would it take to feel content? Do you have ideas about that?

This is something we're working on (well...sort of) in therapy. Actually, he asks me and I say I have no idea and we kind of go around in circles. I have done the "what would you do if money were not an issue" exercise multiple times, and I guess it's supposed to get me to think about the little things I can do to get closer to that. But it doesn't work. I've tried getting involved in things, I've tried not working (actually, that was closest I got to feeling content, I think), I'm in a certificate program in the field I like - in hopes of being able to work just out of my own business) - and none of it brings me any peace at all.

If I had the resources, I'd buy a small house and property (lots of land) so that I could live there with my cats, a dog maybe, and feed the birds and the squirrels and read and not be bothered by people. It's the only thing I think about that feels right. Now, I have cats and a nice little patio at my condo that looks onto the woods, but everything is guided by rules and I have a lot of anxiety, worrying about breaking them. Even though I really like the quiet - and we have a lake I can walk - I'm always having to be careful.

One of the greatest things I ever heard was from a guy I knew a long time ago that talked about how people get so discouraged when they aren't 'happy' all the time

Oh, that has never been an issue with me. I'm more than aware that "happy all the time" just isn't possible in this world. I would be satisfied with "content."