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Death of the "ego" ?

Many decades ago I read these words in a brand new Bible given to me by a friend, "I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am." (Philippians 4:11). At that point in my life I was sure I would never be able to speak those words. Today whenever I come across that verse, I remember back on that terrible time in my life and actually smile. I have come so far. It took time, healing, patience, and a whole lot of spiritual growth, but today I can say with complete confidence that I have learned to be content in whatever situation I find myself - even if it's a miserable one. The key was discovering my purpose, my identity, and my own personal peace. I still live with PTSD and the scars of the past. Nightmares still haunt me. But trauma, abuse, dysfunction, and emotional pain no longer define me.

Have you ever seen or heard of trench art?
"During World War I, peasants would sometimes inspect battlefields looking for shell casings, spent bullets, and bomb fragments. They would assemble them into items for their home. One woman in Washington state has a large collection of these decorative and practical items. Her curio cabinet displays items like salt and pepper shakers, candlesticks, and vases made from leftover fragments of war. For most of us, our life contains broken pieces. Life is a battlefield. None of us escape without incurring some wounds...Give the pieces of your life to the Lord and let Him create some trench art. He does all things well, and He makes everything beautiful in His time." - Dr. David Jeremiah

Speaking from experience, my life completely changed from shattered and ugly to purposeful and beautiful. Author and evangelist Greg Laurie says, "We live our lives like a story that's been told. New chapters are being written." You are just now beginning to write the next series of chapters on your life. Here's something interesting to think about at this stage of your life: Moses was 80 years old when he was called to serve God. The last third of Moses' life was the most spiritually productive. Middle age and even old age isn't the end for any of us. I'm a grandmother and I accomplish more on any given day now than I did 20 years ago!

"Feelings can be powerful liars. -Sheila Walsh
 
Many decades ago I read these words in a brand new Bible given to me by a friend, "I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am." (Philippians 4:11). At that point in my life I was sure I would never be able to speak those words. Today whenever I come across that verse, I remember back on that terrible time in my life and actually smile. I have come so far. It took time, healing, patience, and a whole lot of spiritual growth, but today I can say with complete confidence that I have learned to be content in whatever situation I find myself - even if it's a miserable one. The key was discovering my purpose, my identity, and my own personal peace. I still live with PTSD and the scars of the past. Nightmares still haunt me. But trauma, abuse, dysfunction, and emotional pain no longer define me.

Have you ever seen or heard of trench art?
"During World War I, peasants would sometimes inspect battlefields looking for shell casings, spent bullets, and bomb fragments. They would assemble them into items for their home. One woman in Washington state has a large collection of these decorative and practical items. Her curio cabinet displays items like salt and pepper shakers, candlesticks, and vases made from leftover fragments of war. For most of us, our life contains broken pieces. Life is a battlefield. None of us escape without incurring some wounds...Give the pieces of your life to the Lord and let Him create some trench art. He does all things well, and He makes everything beautiful in His time." - Dr. David Jeremiah

Speaking from experience, my life completely changed from shattered and ugly to purposeful and beautiful. Author and evangelist Greg Laurie says, "We live our lives like a story that's been told. New chapters are being written." You are just now beginning to write the next series of chapters on your life. Here's something interesting to think about at this stage of your life: Moses was 80 years old when he was called to serve God. The last third of Moses' life was the most spiritually productive. Middle age and even old age isn't the end for any of us. I'm a grandmother and I accomplish more on any given day now than I did 20 years ago!

"Feelings can be powerful liars. -Sheila Walsh
I really can’t thank you enough for sharing your post-it has really changed my attitude and gives me a great sense of hope. I appreciate you!
 
In my mid 40s, I'm going through the darkest, most difficult time of my life. Walking through the dark wood, the valley of the shadow of death.

I'm reading two books about the transition from the first half of life to the second half of life, both have a depth psychology (Jungian psychology) approach. Also reading one of Pema Chödrön's books.

  • Through the Dark Wood- Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life - by James Hollis

  • Falling Upward - A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life - by Richard Rohr

  • When things fall apart - Pema Chödrön

I feel like I'm on some strange spiritual journey which is pushing me to my absolute extremes, not just pushing me to my boundaries, but breaking them all and leaving them smashed in pieces.

I feel like I'm a phoenix who is burning alive and will turn into ashes and may turn into something new, but that feels so far away. All that's present right now is the burning and the dying.

I don't know how to describe it other than it feels like my "ego" is dying.

I've been into Buddhism long enough to know that's a good thing... that's the aim... for your ego to die...

But f*ck it feels awful... It's the f*cking worst... It feels like being tormented by all your inner demons... It feels like what a cold turkey withdrawal from heroin must feel like....

Ugh... it feels like if I survive this... if I have the courage to go through all the stages of it, without flinching, avoiding, bypassing it... then it will be a deeply healing spiritual journey... I just honestly dunno if I've got it in me...

Has anyone here on this forum experienced something like the death of the ego during/ after trauma, for example?
Hello sorry that things have been so hard...am with you though...without the Buddhism. It is the most awful place I have ever been and I hear your voice echoing...
 
In all honesty, I feel like my ego crashed when I stopped listening to the stories I was telling myself to make myself feel better about my life. It was my delusional self and I see how it got me into a ton of trouble. Who knows, maybe i am still telling stories to myself, but at least they are different stories and life is much, much easier at this point so I am gonna roll with it for now. 🙂
 
I can't say I've learned (personally) to be content in any circumstances I am, since I don't have the faith for that, and since they were all I +/or others could do to survive or get through, and many of the repercussions remain, as well as new fear of a repeat. A little more like the Agony in the Garden I suppose. But can't say there have been many resurrections.

However, I agree with @shimmerz above. I think too much enduring only led to minimizing which led to loss of, well pretty much everything. I think it is also already a challenge when even the smallest things one chooses (what and when to eat, the ring tone on their phone, what they like etc) are criticized or ridiculed. I suppose it finally occurred to me that the only things that couldn't be taken away (though I can choose not to keep them) were the intangibles, and what I thought or believed that are privately my own thoughts/ my own domain which are not disclosed.
 
@Tinyflame I spent several decades teaching young children at our church. For lessons about faith, I always began with this acrostic:
F - Forsaking
A - All
I - I
T - Trust
H - Him


A pretty simple concept for any age to grasp. Trust. I wrote in someone else's diary recently that in the Harper Collins Bible Dictionary it says that faith and trust are related "to God providing extraordinary help in desperate circumstances." I went on to explain that trust actually means much more. It conveys the idea of confidence in God's constant daily presence, about resting in His care, about rescue, and about being committed to our good.

I didn't explain that verse from Philippians fully because most people on this site are not here for in-depth theological discussions. The point Paul was making in his letter to the Philippians was that he didn't need faith or money or possessions or a good life to be content. Lawrence O. Richards explains this verse this way:
"This is one of the greatest gifts that is ours through our relationship with Jesus. We have a God whose endless resources will be used to meet our needs. And a God who will give us strength to meet every challenge. If we constantly remember who our God is, we too will grasp the secret of being content, whatever our circumstances."

Changing circumstances did not affect Paul's inner contentment. What Paul is saying is that it is through God's strength he is able to be content whatever his circumstances may be. My PTSD, trauma, abusers, and dysfunctional family members didn't simply vanish because "I have learned to be content." I still have nightmares, night terrors, flashbacks, and chronic pain. But I am content. I know my purpose. I live an active, joyful life. Instead of being broken and suicidal, I am grateful for each day...but always have my eyes looking up, waiting for our Blessed Hope.
 
"ego" is one of those words that will get me quietly leaving the table. for such a small word, it sure does generate heaps of big words wielded by big name droppers and expert quoters. the more i listen to the debate, the more confused i get. i'll salute whatever flags you geniuses decide to run up the flag pole. from a masked social distance, of course.

but the radical changes of recovery from child prostitution have made me feel like pieces of me were dying more than once on the long and winding road of recovery. in retrospect, i believe pieces of me actually did die. most notably, the pieces of me which gave me the self-worth of an eternal victim. i am grateful i was able to embrace those changes, but the transition (metaphorical deaths?) still hurt like a father f*ck.
 
I worked with a Shaman for a while. She was incredibly helpful with soul retrieval due to trauma. When I started the work I had no idea what i was getting into. Looking back on it - soul retrieval was an incredibly powerful part of my recovery... I hadn't realized that these things that happened to me I had traded pieces of myself so that I could just survive. Nor did I think I could go back and mindfully take those pieces back for myself.
 
"ego" is one of those words that will get me quietly leaving the table. for such a small word,
That’s why I’ve learned to ask their definition.

Once I know what they mean? Answers are obvious. Remove the label, find the meaning.

Ditto any use of the word narcissist, narcissistic, NPD. It’s just common-code to “I don’t like you”, 94:100. Find out WHAT that actually is? Gives meaning. f*ck all, elsewise.
 
I’m going through it right now too for a year and a half now I feel you my friend I’ve been cleansing my mind the scary part is when you feel yourself you ego disappearing into nothingness and the little I just want to hold on
 
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