Suicide Is Not An Option But An Unwelcome Invitation To Hell For The Survivors

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

Despite being beaten, waking to a gun at my temple, kidnapped and sexual abused, witnessing the shooting death of my husband, being chased by a hooker with a butcher knife because I was trying to evict her; etc., etc., etc! Yes, there's more I could add to this casualty list from my life living on the home-front, yet, suicide never crossed my mind.

Sure, like anyone else in a crisis of great despair I have uttered the emotional words, "I wish I was dead. Why am I still alive?" But, venting despair out-loud is a far cry from taking action. Suicide is very selfish when you think of those you leave behind to clean up the mess. The ones we love don't deserve to suffer our trauma and by committing suicide you condemn them to the same fate you try to avoid, a living hell.

Be determined to live through the crisis and make something good come of it. I have become a town-crier of injustice, a crusader for lost souls and a better person because of it. My heart is pieced together with hope and dreams for another day to be grateful I'm alive to see the seasons change and hearts mend. This is gift of life is mine to share and I choose you, the unknown.

 

[mamachick]

very well said

 

[ronin47]

This is very true. Even if you don't think about the person's close friends and family, if an individual commits suicide there are a whole string of other people who are traumatized who didn't even know the vicitim in life. When I first discussed my feelings about suicide with my psychologist, he gave me a long list of ways that people would be hurt;

"You traumatize the people that have to come pick up and carry away your body. You traumatize the other girls living on your floor. You traumatize your roomate. You traumatize your doctors and therapists. You traumatize the police officers who respond to the first call. You traumatize your professors."

There were some others, but they escape me at the moment. :barefoot:

If you think about it, people who don't know you as well are traumatized more than those close to you. Since they don't have the backdrop of your whole life and the different positives and negatives. I thought about that a lot earlier on in my recovery process. If I was a police officer or a fireman and I had to respond to a call of a suicide, I wouldn't think about any flaws or problems the person may have had. Any outside person who only came to know me through my suicide would think only of the fact that a young life was ended in a tragic way because they felt sad and alone in the world.

 

[Serene]

I hear what you are saying, Linda. I applaud your attitude and the fact that you have been able to take the horrible experiences you have had and turn them into energy to help other people. I wish that I could take your words and internalize them and never ever wish to be dead again. I wish that determination was enough for me to change my struggle with depression. Maybe it is and I just haven't figured that out yet.

I do want to say, for those of us who deal with suicidal thoughts and have attempted suicide in the past, that when I read what you wrote I felt sharp pangs of guilt. I already feel so terribly guilty for feeling the way I feel and for wanting death to come sooner than later. I know it is selfish for me to want to die. When I come out of a period of deep depression and look back at how I was thinking and acting I am horrified. I assure myself I will never go there again. I tell my children, "I promise I'll never do that to you again." But I always cycle back around to it eventually. When I descend into the darkness I pray to whatever is out there that I can hold on long enough to get through it and come out on the other side. For the past 4 years I have been able to hold on and not make any suicidal attempts. But for the past couple of months I have been in the "pit" and I wish I were dead.

I don't like being this way. I don't condone it. I can't make excuses for it. I know that not everyone can understand this. For me, compassion helps a lot more than guilt.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Serene- I understand. We are not weak when we consider suicide. The pain we are in would bring cancer patients to their knees. In fact, I have KNOWN cancer patient who were in less pain. We do not all have the strength to keep looking at it all and saying, "I choose to live." Hopefully we can, but in reality many do not make it. My best friend in all the world lost the fight and he was dear to me, strong and kind.

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

It has taken me a few days to absorb Serene, but please never let go of hope, create it if necessary by planning your future. You can be a tool of strength to help pry open the living tomb that others have buried themselves in. You realize, now, that you are in the abyss of despair but, don't forget never, never are you alone ... so many people have died in that abyss - please don't be one of them - believe you will live to be here tomorrow; crawl, if necessary out of the fire and drench yourself in the lake of forgiveness - your own for starters - guilt is a powerful cancer... Considering suicide is not weak - it is desperation to be relieved of pain and not all pain is physical, though just as painful, the emotional mind can be brutal, a 'whipping post.'

 

[Serene]

Thank you, both of you. Linda, you are so right about guilt being a powerful cancer. It eats me alive from the inside out. I have been feeling a little better this week. I saw my psychiatrist today and I am starting a new med and decreasing another one. I am hoping that will help me to level out my moods some. This site is helpful. It is so nice to be able to communicate with others who really understand.

Maybe I'll start a thread asking people how they deal with guilt feelings. I just started reading Alice Miller's Drama of the Gifted Child. I think that book is going to be helpful. I can more clearly see how I feel guilty for being who I am and for not being who I think I am supposed to be.

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

You are welcome, Serene. Reinventing ourselves is traumatic, especially when we had grown accustom to the way things were. What I found, it is not so much reinventing who we are but discovering what I am capable of becoming when I reach back, and think ... "What did I want to be as a child - what put a spark in my step that I am good at and could be great at?" Also, what was it in my core being that made me believe - one person can make a difference? I find the 'me' I always wanted to be - then work at it everyday, everyday ... even writing this piece is part of who I am - A soul trying to help my fellow traveler make it to the next level. We all must help each other unconditionally for the love and well-being for mankind, despite opposition. Rock on!

 

[Kintsugi]

I am not trying to be a Negative Nancy when I say this. I am truly wondering. How is it that the idea of the selfishness in suicide can dissuade someone? It doesn't bother me at all; the idea is that I won't be here anyway, it's over. No more worrying about anybody, especially myself. The only thing that really makes me feel dissuaded is my dog. She would be devastated if I died, and sometimes I think her past may have been worse than mine. She deserves a responsible, loving home. This sounds sort of silly, but it's true. My family, fiance, his family, friends--they would suffer. But I can see them all sort of just gathering for my funeral and walking away from my grave and back into life.

 

[Cheshire]

But I can see them all sort of just gathering for my funeral and walking away from my grave and back into life.​

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You don't know that for sure though, hun. The thing that stops me when I feel that way isn't necessarily that it would be a selfish act, it's the thought that I could potentially be forcing someone to have to deal with PTSD. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I've never felt so completely insane in my whole life, and I wouldn't even wish this on my worst enemy.​

 

[ronin47]

It is a flawed assumption that everyone around us will just move on if we commit suicide. My stepfather's brother committed suicide and my stepfather believes this contributed to his father's severe health problem and early onset of dementia. I've heard a mother talk about her husband committing suicide and of how she felt she would still be hurting from it many years later when their small daughter got married and he wouldn't be there to walk her down the aisle.

 

[Kintsugi]

I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I've never felt so completely insane in my whole life

I have no concept of what it feels like to live without it, so maybe it is harder for me to be sympathetic. These are the facts of life to me. I keep realizing throughout my life more and more that people don't live with the things I do. It was like being asked if I liked home schooling as a child; I had no other reference for life. I also have a hard time understanding trauma from one event. No offense meant to anyone on the forum! I think that it's probably very traumatizing. I guess what I mean is that I don't know what it's like not to have trauma after trauma after trauma throughout the course of one's life. It seems very foreign and hard to connect to. I think this really stems from the feeling that my death specifically doesn't seem important enough to traumatize people? This is sounding weirder and weirder.