Accepting All Of Me.. Constantly Struggle With Denial

[Srain]

I was going through some pictures I had found growing up, class pictures and it's easy to see the ones where I'm there behind my eyes and when I'm totally checked out as young as 6yr in kindergarten, in fact that one I'm sickeningly destroyed. Beyond that it's like a comic going through facial routines. Then I came across the pictures of pictures from the past ten years and I don't recognize the face. It scared me.

I almost took all the pictures to the my tdoc but at the last minute, not yet. Too revealing. When I discussed them she said, "that was you". I about threw up. I wanted to deny that was ever me. I can't explain why it was just so terrifying looking at that face. I was no where there and I want to forget those years as much as during that time I wanted to forget my past and never talk about any of it. I'm always running and denying. I was in complete dissociation and depersonalization, it was really no different than the years I was high and drunk as a teenager.The same results, isolation, bridges burned, and memory loss. Most of all, most of the time, complete oblivion to my pain.

This is all so scary sometimes. How many lives does one person have????

Rain

 

[OKRADLAK]

It's really sad to think of a 6 year old already wasted. Your post made me feel a terrible pang because it seems you do not have any good memories? I hope you do have some!

I understand the not recognizing yourself but it is me NOW that I don't recognize.

I was in a public place yesterday and had "checked out" into my head, way way in......hardly aware and I saw a glimpse of my reflection and almost PUKED. It has no relationship to how I was feeling. NONE!!

I was feeling way out there, up there, my thoughts were so huge and swirling and yet there I was, a little dot of a person looking so normal. It struck me, maybe we are all feeling this way to different levels. Maybe the guy next to me was about to kill himself and his thoughts were also swirling?

Why do we look so two dimensional when we are so huge inside?

Your little 6 year old self was probably way advanced, thinking big thoughts! Maybe the little child was not suffering, and instead big philosophies? Do you remember what you were thinking? It is very possible to remember very far back.

 

[anni]

I always feel a little out of place answering posts to members who had awful childhoods because I did not so I feel perhaps it's intrusive, you know? It's just that the whole picture thing is terrible for me also across the board-photos of me as a child seems so bizarre. It was safe then, no idea who she was and where on earth she went later. Photos of the years during the trauma, well- she's just some lost beast of a person and no idea who she is either, no idea who the person is presently so don't look at those.

I don't know how many lives we get, but in my head at least we get them. It's just where my head ended up after all that so maybe not helpful. The people who either did not wish us to be here, or deprived us of the normalcy others are allowed and can take for granted did not win in the end, that's all. I've had possibly 5 lives, even if that makes zero sense. For some reason I've been able to begin to claim one again, for a variety of reasons, therapy and luck among them.

I hope to get my pictures back someday too. It's a goal. I'm not saying that to turn your thread into something about me but maybe just to say there's a point where we all get to take them back, and know who the heck that is in there. Please do excuse if this makes no sense to someone with childhood trauma because I know that is far, far different, but the photo thing just is recognizable so thought I'd at least say so.

Do take care,

Anni

 

[Spero3]

Why do we look so two dimensional when we are so huge inside?.

This is a profound statement. Most people probably look at themselves and wonder who they really are. We all wear masks. What is on the outside is rarely what's on the inside. Often we even fool ourselves with our own masks.

We all have crazy thoughts. With PTSD maybe they are just more extreme...more intrusive? What if we all walked around with conversation clouds over our heads and everyone could see what we were thinking. We'd realize we are all nuts. :)

As to having multiple lives, I think we all have many lives within this one we are given. As we change, we eventually become someone almost completely different. I know I am very, very different from who I was even eighteen months ago. And, when I look back ten or fifteen years, I do not recognize myself at all. But, that was me. It was just a different me. Traumatic events (whether they last for a long time or a short one) can greatly alter us in a very short period of time. I often wonder what I would have been like if I had not experienced the trauma I did as a child. Who would I be?

Spero

 

[Srain]

Maybe the little child was not suffering, and instead big philosophies? Do you remember what you were thinking? It is very possible to remember very far back.

I hate to sound so morbid but yes, I remember exactly what I was thinking at that time. I was thinking I would never make it until age 13 and I had been up all night writing Wills and worrying about my younger brother, who would take care of him. It was a horrible time in my life.

But I did make it and to leave that house, I never felt to so free in my life!!! Of course I left more than a few times before it was legal but finally I was able to for good, then left the state.

After this process I will have to start accepting the adult me that lived in my body for the past 10yrs, the me that completely Depersonalized and whom I didn't recognize. Much like what you talk about. I couldn't even look at her, I am just now beginning to, but she still pops in but wow!! she got so much older and at times I have no idea what people are talking about when they mention the hospitals I was in and the restraints. It scares me. I see pictures and I don't know who she is. A FREAK!

Rain

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Rain,

You aren't and never were a freak, just a badly wounded child and person.
Be amazed at how much you survived, and are such a sweet person, still- YOU are AMAZING.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Srain--I agree with June! YOU ARE AMAZING! I can tell by your posts that you are and I bet you were a profound little girl, too. You sound like you think a lot, like a philosopher. We need philosophers! :)

I hate what happened to you as a child. No little child every deserves to be in restraints. EVER. Adults are more than able to hold them lovingly until they are OK again. It is BARBARIC!!

In a way, you are lucky to not remember. When I find myself forgetting things that used to torment me, I laugh and give the sky a big High Five. :tup:

Dementia? I don't fear it.