BPD Personality disorder?

[Amy Jo]

So I've been wondering for a long time if I have a personality disorder, or if it's PTSD/complex trauma, or both? I fit the criteria to a tee, yet it seems to fit with ptsd as well. I'm doing better than I was, but I still have attachment issues so deep inside me like it'll never be fixed. Like a bum leg. How I relate to people--I don't know that I really do because I abide my behavior to theirs in a way. I can get along with anyone--for a short while. And then I'm exhausted. I've always been that way. I'm constantly thinking thinking thinking and judging myself and placing myself in certain shoes and never knowing who the hell I really am; which is why I prefer to be alone. I've built up who I want to be and i am that person when I'm alone or maybe around my sisters, but even that is a role. I've pushed away every relationship I've ever been in, lost a fiance after nine years when the ptsd/complex trauma got bad--he bailed. Though I can't see why he didn't earlier--I could never show him love and affection and sometimes it was as if he wasn't even there. I've been through so many friends, colleges, jobs, loves, aspirations (the only steady one being writing). I'm impulsive--but is that my bipolar checking in? Another thing...I'm developing phobias--I have a great fear (it's desperate and clingy and pathetic) that my daughter is going to die. I'm a worrying nut-job when she goes places without me (she's seven). I'm working on it, perhaps that's another area/issue. Anyway, I've met some amazing people and made incredible connections that changed my life, and then I shut them off. And then if I see them I feel like this horrible creature.
What's up with this?

 

[SimplyComplex]

What does your T say about your diagnosis? I have seen alot of debate about BPD and PTSD. My therapist specializes in PTSD and says they are not the same and that I do not have BPD at all. My mom has both BPD and likely PTSD. She has been diagnosed with both (also OCD, depression and some other stuff). My belief is that PTSD and BPD are different...c-PTSD I don't really know about though. It sounds like some people are renaming BPD as c-PTSD. Its alot of random letters really.

 

[SimplyComplex]

Oh, quick question. Do you relate your daughter's age or development to anything very traumatic you went through? My symptoms escalated when my daughter turned 3, which is a time I believe some specific abuse might have started. Therapy has helped quite a bit.

 

[Amy Jo]

SimplyComplex,
As a matter of fact yes my PTSD/complex trauma had started about twelve years ago but when my daughter hit 5 I was full-blown symptomatic and psychosis and all that fun stuff (five was the age my abuse started). When it was really bad I avoided my daughter because I was afraid of her and afraid I'd hurt her (lots of time in the bin for this girl). Strange how that works.

 

[SimplyComplex]

Im really sorry you have had to deal with that. Having kids changes everything. My T has really encouraged me in separating from my kids more. Being that both my parents hurt me so much, I sort of felt like no one was safe around them besides me. I am learning. But yeah, I very much enjoy my time off from my kids. Helps me be a better mom. What kind of therapy are you getting?

 

[Amy Jo]

That's how I feel too!--that no one can protect them as good as I can. My therapist told me "Do you really think you can control the world and the fate of things?" I do need distance too. I was in psychotherapy for 12 years and then my T changed, it all changed, she dismissed my flashbacks and did all the talking all the time. I felt hurt and pissed so I left her and am seeking a new one...

 

[Amy Jo]

I do feel I have to clarify--when I say the names of my disorders (specifying complex trauma/ptsd, blah blah blah), it's not sympathy I'm after but understanding. I don't feel sorry for myself because I don't know why I act with such "borderline personality" tendencies, I just want to GET IT, understand it, dissect it, make sense of it, so i can shut it off and move on, you know? I believe that's what we're all after here--UNDERSTANDING, NOT SYMPATHY. WE'RE BEYOND THAT.

 

[SimplyComplex]

Oh I didn't think you wanted sympathy. I think it is great you want to know...because it can be powerful. I think it is brave to even face the dx. I still wont say PTSD outloud in therapy or in any non-joking way with friends. Anyways, different disorders need different therapies and different specialists. Have you considered looking into DBT therapy. I heard it is great for BPD and can be very helpful with c-PTSD.

I found my T on psychologytoday.com and think its really great because you can search fairly easy. I live ina big city so there were lots of choices though.

 

[Amy Jo]

Oh no I didn't mean you about the sympathy thing! I just wanted to put that up there in general because Ive heard how people may think applying the label is an act/can seem like an act for sympathy (when specifying). I don't believe that, I think we feel we can identify and that's so important to healing. Sorry! It wasn't aimed at you! I'll check into DBT, thanks so much for sharing and your kind words and info!

 

[mamachick]

Borderline personality disorder and ptsd are two seperate disorders-they are not the same. I know how confusing this can be because so many symptoms seem to be similiar or overlapping, and we can have more than one diagnosis.

My sister is BPD and only recently have I responded very childishly to her. I do not even understand my own response. I could describe what I did and exactly how I felt but without a name. I recently discovered it was emotional flashback (I seemed to digress to age 8).

I also discovered there is a term (not a diagnosis) counter-borderline. This is when the non BPD reacts to and integrates the borderline style. The non BPD is so negatively affected by the relationship with the BPD that they begin to behave similiarly.

I understand this completely. I feel like I have been absorbing my sisters crap for so many years and talking with her rationally and in a way to see the positive when she is so negative. She is a lot of work and sometimes says nice things about me but often verbally attacks with criticism that is totally unwarranted. She demands time and is angry if she cant get me on the phone and leaves nasty messages. I can relate to getting to the point of reacting to her the way that I perceive her. It is like mirroring her behavior. Example: Had two messages and no time to return the call due to work, this time when I answer it . I immediately change to a negative mood.(thought of conversation creates a cringe) Before she can start complaining about how bad life is, let me tell her how crappy mine is-although I dont believe it. (eventually I do believe it-it has become part of me ) Now you would think that this might intice her to be positive and point out something good to me. No, she will wait for an opportunity and relate something equally as bad or worse.

I guess it may be tied to my beliefs-I cant abandon my sister (because I know she is suffering) and I cant deal with the guilt I would feel. Eventually I can see where I have attracted others (partner relationships) that are familiar. Eventually it can be difficult to tell which issues are mine and which are theirs.

I have had to step back from family because of this. Being completely honest with T and sharing thoughts and beliefs helps them to diagnose accurately. We cannot accurately diagnose ourselves.

AmyJo-Im not sure if you have been diagnosed or are uncertain, but you are seeking answers and owning your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. That is what leads to accurate diagnosis and effective treatment.

 

[SimplyComplex]

Hey brat. Having a mom with BPD (severe), severing contact has been one of the most important parts of my recovery (from PTSD). It made it so I was able to start to heal. There is a message board for family members of people with BPD that was very helpful if you are interested, send me a message. Many people over there have PTSD and "fleas" from our relationships with people with BPD.

We call the behaviors we develop from our relationships "fleas", but disordered behavior is disordered behavior. It still takes alot of work to get through all that. Honestly, I think the biggest difference between BPD and c-PTSD is the chances of recovery. There is alot of overlap. My mom will never recover...she doesn't see she has anything to recover from because she is sure she has no problems. I am already taking huge steps and making big recoveries.

 

[OKRADLAK]

HI Amy!

This is a very interesting topic. When I was in University, I studied Psych (no laughing!:D) and one of my favorite classes was dxing and testing and categorization.

When I was first traumatized, I had every T give me a different dx. It got to be laughable. Of course, there was no blood test, no scans, nothing they could do to get an objective reading. It was all based on what I said and how I presented myself. So this class showed me how very fragile a dx can be.

Further, many therapists believe that someone who presents with BPD and who also has trauma should be dxed with PTSD only, especially if the trauma was in childhood.

If someone were to have BPD symptoms and no trauma, well, I guess that would be clear cut----however, I read one author who stated that she thinks most BPD is trauma related and outside of trauma and invalidating childhoods, one would not develop BPD. Marsha Linehan I think, also takes this stance.

Now I only go to T's with advanced degrees who are stable themselves. You need smart, grounded people when dealing with a system with absolutely NO objective tests!!!

As far as other personality disorders, they are a bit sketchy as far as I am concerned. And many are biased toward gender and race.

For instance, there are behaviors in other countries that are considered "normal" yet if the person comes to a Western country, he may be given a dx for something that, in his culture, is normal. Similarly, a male who behaves with criteria for BPD will rarely get that dx.

There are many biases of the therapist because the system still does not have diagnostic criteria to screen them out.