What Cant You Get Out Of Your Mind?

[scott_1971_h]

What cant you get out of your mind?
I cant seem to get over one "therapist" saying all I did was bitch about my mother. Very next question was why i had a social phobia. I have visions of bludgeoning him to death...

Scott

 

[SimplyComplex]

Oh lord, when did that happen? What did the T say, specifically? How long have you been in therapy? Do you think you might act on your anger in any way?

Right now I can't get out of my head the two 19 year old men who sexually abused me (although I was willing...I guess) and my friend when we were 13. I have alot of shame about it ... I guess because I volunteered for it. I didn't like what happened so much, but I liked the attention. But I feel alot of shame over it. I don't want to talk about it. In some ways it seems stupid because it was waist up only. But it went on a whole summer and I was used like ... an inanimate object. And I agreed to do things that...were...not me.

I know, as an adult, it was abuse. I was acting out as some previously abused children do. It doesn't matter if I volunteered...I was still a child. They were grown and using me. The shame is theirs, not mine. Yet it is stuck in my head. I am afraid if I pull it apart I will find alot more of the missing memories and they will be worse.

So that is what is in my head.

 

[scott_1971_h]

Yeah I know it reminds me of a Marilyn Manson line:
"I know that I could turn you on,
I wish I could just turn you off."
No I didn't kill him on the spot but I said I was leaving and "Next time you should just try and set the world back a trillion years".

Scott

 

[The Albatross]

I can't get out of my mind that I really don't trust people very much...maybe even not at all.

 

[Innordinate]

Dead, dying kids.

 

[scott_1971_h]

Dead, dying kids.

Not sure what kids are like but I have never been able to stop thinking about a certain video (belonged to a group and received a link) that was on the net a few years ago, some Russian neo-nazis took some immigrants for a lovely little picnic in the woods...
I will never be the same again. There are some seriously bad people out there...

Scott

 

[scott_1971_h]

Not sure what kids are like but I have never been able to stop thinking about a certain video (belonged to a group and received a link) that was on the net a few years ago, some Russian neo-nazis took some immigrants for a lovely little picnic in the woods...
I will never be the same again. There are some seriously bad people out there...

Scott

Forgot to add: *DO NOT WATCH* that video. Truly frightening, and that's just for the people who wont be triggered...

 

[just me here]

the sound of tearing ripping metal, the amazing darkness that happens after the headlights get broken in the middle of nowhere, the absolute knowledge that without help you are going to die, the sudden and utter reduction of control of your destiny from cruising the road with total security to stumbling in the dark without even the ability to see how bad your injuries are.

And then I can add the memories of the maybe hundreds of times that (first as a responding firefighter and then later as an EMT) I was told by victims that they never thought it would happen to them. How can this happen? I never saw this coming. What did I do to deserve this? why did this happen to me?

I can never shake the knowledge that bad accidents happen to good people, and I can never ask "why did this happen?" I have been a victim and every time I get behind the wheel or ride as a passenger I know and can't forget that I could be a victim again.

We fly down the road less than six feet away from oncoming traffic. There is a line we count on to show us where the safety stops and the death starts, but that line means nothing to a drunk or distracted driver. Thats what I think about.

 

[Cheshire]

Knives. Just knives. What they can do, what people can do with them. Visions of people stabbing me, visions of me stabbing them. I can't even go to a birthday party without freaking out when someone is holding a knife. Fun.

No, I'm not going to act on any of it. It's just there.

 

[scott_1971_h]

the sound of tearing ripping metal, the amazing darkness that happens after the headlights get broken in the middle of nowhere, the absolute knowledge that without help you are going to die, the sudden and utter reduction of control of your destiny from cruising the road with total security to stumbling in the dark without even the ability to see how bad your injuries are.

Yep, me too but thats during the day. I had a crash with Yeti too, but the bad one I was in a rollover.
At night it's about the people I'd like to smash, instead of the smashes I've had.

Scott

 

[Tinmad773]

The first person I killed in Afghanistan. It wasn't entirely justified but I did it anyway due to many reasons. I'm afraid to answer for it because I'm not sorry at all. I just wish it hadn't happened.

 

[Srain]

6yrs old looking in my mother's eyes as she shut the door leaving to be raped by my father
All the looking in my eyes since loving and hating me at the same time.