What Cant You Get Out Of Your Mind?

[AliveInside]

(((HUGS))). I can only imagine your terror. I'm sorry you feel so alone.

I wish I could put my thoughts into words but if I can help share the weight please let me know

KP

Thank you KP, I appreciate your kind words. It's complicated and everyday I look in the mirror I have scars to remind me. Sometimes people stare, sometimes they point and gawk, other times they put me on the spot and ask me what's wrong with your face. Plenty of people have no tact, then I get angry and frustrated and sad and want to hide inside. It's a cycle. I'm just trying to process all this stuff inside me, I appreciate you for listening.

 

[Ron]

The look of revulsion on the nurses face when she saw what I looked like. I'll never get that feeling of rejection on her face out of my mind. I've never recovered from that and never been able to feel close and put myself out there with women. I feel so alone. I've missed out on so much. The weight of all this has been too much...

I am very interested in your accident. Please tell us more only if you're comfortable. I hear you. I feel your pain. My hand was cut off and I sat in an emergency ward with a bloody stump. I saw the Doctor's look too. It was bad, really bad. I can relate.

 

[AliveInside]

The feeling of having a knife to my throat as someone tried to slice it open. The feeling of my hands between my neck and his hands. The overwhelming strength of a person fighting for his life as he tried to take mine. That single instant when I almost gave up when my arms became weak, trembling. The thought in my head: "Why am I fighting? I have nothing to live for. No one loves me."

The moment when I reclaimed my life by not giving up and winning, finding that last bit of strength that I need to live. The mirror at home when I saw the cut on my neck, staring for hours, thinking, "that is me."

Thank you for sharing your story atl22

 

[AliveInside]

I am very interested in your accident. Please tell us more only if you're comfortable. I hear you. I feel your pain. My hand was cut off and I sat in an emergency ward with a bloody stump. I saw the Doctor's look too. It was bad, really bad. I can relate.

I'm not sure where I should focus but if this helps anyone Ill gladly talk about it. I keep starting / deleting starting again. You'll have to excuse me, I dont talk about this stuff alot, I keep it in my head a lot. I'm very sorry about your hand Ron. What part do you want to know about? I'll be happy to share.

 

[Ron]

I'm not sure where I should focus but if this helps anyone Ill gladly talk about it. I keep starting / deleting starting again. You'll have to excuse me, I dont talk about this stuff alot, I keep it in my head a lot. I'm very sorry about your hand Ron. What part do you want to know about? I'll be happy to share.

My hand was rebuilt from the dead my friend, the first operation was 18 hours, the second 1 1/2 hours. It is a miracle I have my hand back. The trauma was really f%*#ed up. but I made it through. I love my new hand. people look at it and wonder. My scars are hard to miss. I love my hand, it has blood supply, great function and the main thing, it looks like a hand !
What I am interested in for starters is what exactly happened to your face ? if you don't mind sharing. I am not sqeamish at all by the way.

 

[AliveInside]

I don't mind sharing at least on the internet I have a choice. My face was slashed open on both sides, I suppose a comparison to heath ledgers scars in the dark knight isn't that far fetched(wish I had his natural good looks to mitigate them though - lol) . His scars are larger and more hollywood also I've had a revision surgery. I have symmetrical scars at the corners of my mouth. The right side of my face hung open the night of the accident the left so did too I imagine, hard to say I wasn't looking and the ambulance put that big head trauma cotton thingy on me shortly after. The smashing of the windshield with my face is what did it. No seatbelt - KIDS WEAR YOUR SEATBELTS. The looks on the faces of the locals that had gathered at the accident is among the indication that I was in pretty bad shape. There's another one in my left eyebrow as well, that one doesn't really bother me. It's also been revised.

 

[atl22]

The look of revulsion on the nurses face when she saw what I looked like. I'll never get that feeling of rejection on her face out of my mind. I've never recovered from that and never been able to feel close and put myself out there with women. I feel so alone. I've missed out on so much. The weight of all this has been too much...

This comment really hit home because I have been to the ER a few times due to violence. There are two nurses that I remember in particular from the ER. And it was the look in their eyes that also still haunts me. Revulsion is the right word. Disgust. Maybe fear, as well. I could draw their faces perfectly even right now. That look in her eyes. Can they get any wider? They are being drawn back into her skull, retreating.

And scars. Every person that I meet, I wonder "Do they notice? Do they see?" I don't take compliments well. In fact, they make me angry because they remind me of my trauma. I cut my hair short once and revealed a scar on my skull. My girlfriend had never seen it and she asked me if I was going bald. I was so pissed that I started screaming and I really do mean screaming at the top of my lungs. I told her what happened and she looked disgusted, too.

I spent years practicing how to make my face look better, to diminish my scars, to hold in my lower lip, to keep my mouth shut, to not smile so no one would see where my mouth had been smashed in, to twist my head and never look straight on at anyone so they don't notice my eye that is scarred and larger than the other, or my lower lip and its scar that crawls from my face to inside my mouth.

 

[AliveInside]

I didn't think anyone else but me had to do things like this atl22. I have often turned my face just so people wouldn't catch the more noticeable scar on my right side, just to avoid the awkwardness. I hate that feeling, just seemed like the lesser of two evils. These days, when I am present I hold my head up high and smile as big as I can. They never expect that. :)

 

[Sqweak]

This comment really hit home because I have been to the ER a few times due to violence. There are two nurses that I remember in particular from the ER. And it was the look in their eyes that also still haunts me. Revulsion is the right word. Disgust. Maybe fear, as well. I could draw their faces perfectly even right now. That look in her eyes. Can they get any wider? They are being drawn back into her skull, retreating.

I can't imagine what that must feel like, it's not often that people see my scares; because they're self-inflicted so I have the luxury of hiding them and pretending like there isn't anything wrong with me. I just wanted to say that it is entirely possible that those nurses weren't disgusted by you but at the sick bastard who could do such a thing to the both of you [Aliveinside, atl22] if I was the person treating either of you I would be so incredibly pissed that someone felt they had the right to attempt to hurt someone the way they did. It would be hard for me to hold my emotions in as well; I don't think they intended to hurt you I just wanted to add my two cents. I hope that's okay <3

 

[AliveInside]

Thank you squeek, I don't think she intended to hurt me either. She was just a pretty young girl working at a job and I was pretty messed up at the time. She didn't expect to see me in that condition when she got ready for work that evening. Thank you everyone for helping me deconstruct this event from my past. I think, I hope it will help me get a better grasp on the things that trigger my anger and sadness and to control my state of mind better.

 

[just me here]

speaking as an EMT and firefighter with ten years experience, the look was unprofessional.

We did so much to try to create positive feelings and emotions in our patients and accident victims, things like banning mirrored sunglasses on calls, eliminating reflective surfaces in the trucks, keeping gawkers away and trying to maintain light conversation even if it was just between the responders, like we see this everyday pal, your injuries aren't that bad, if they were would we be talking about our gas milage or how many fish we caught last weekend?

My scars are all across my gut, one big zipper right up the middle that has been opened twice, and holes and bulges on both sides of my abdomen. I wear a t shirt swimming, I see the questioning stares when I am in public without a shirt on, I am used to explaining them to anyone that asks. I can only imagine how much harder it is for someone with facial scars, my sympathy and empathy to you.

Try to realise that the nurses would treat you better if they knew how you reacted to their expressions, maybe even consider writing a letter to help them realise what damage they did. I am sure they would try to do better if they knew that what they did was damaging to you. This is a learning opportunity, a foregiveness opportunity.

 

[AliveInside]

I appreciate your compassion just me here, this is weird and we are getting into an area I never talk about. So this is new ground forgive me if this either doesn't make sense or I am just wrong. I grew up all my teen years as many teens, with acne. VERY bad acne. At age 16 I finally took medication and cleared it up. Less then a year later I got in my disfiguring car accident. The acne was embarassing, humiliating, dis-empowering pick your word. When my face cleared up, like on those proactive commercials I had a lot of confidence with girls and life was really starting to get exciting and looking up. In october of my 17th year I went through that windshield. I've never felt confident in my apperance since then. That was 1995. My point, and I'm sorry for rambling is the young nurse was pretty and I reacted like any normal confident teenage boy would. I gave her the look up and down and then her face of revulsion. Granted I had fresh stitches holding my face together and bright red blood stained fresh scars but well yeah, this thread is about what can't you get out of your mind. that's what....