My Mom Was Molested, Too?!?

[shell]

At some point we have to stop making excuses for our parents actions, yes my parents were both abused and they made that decision to abuse. Does it matter that whether my abuse was worse or less than theirs. To me, no.

Just like I made the decision when I became a parent, that I would become the best parent I could possibly be, or I would have chosen not to become a parent if I didn't think I was capable.

Life is about choices, growing up I knew everyone didn't have a family like mine. We can choose to continue the cycle, or we can choose not to abuse. I choose to love, cherish and protect my child, I would never want to see any child suffer. I didn't need help or support to make that decision, if anyone should know that abuse is wrong, it is surely a child that was abused.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Bloom you are a very well liked and respected member of the forum so I don't want to upset you however I would like to challenge your comments above. Just my opinion.

:> That's fair - I appreciate the feedback and need to be challenged as much as anyone.

I'm processing this question on this, the 21st anniversary of my Mom's death. I'll write a response when I'm more stable. Still so symptomatic I'm gonna get back off the forum but I will respond.

 

[Sethe]

...

I have always felt sorry for them. But what happened this weekend kind of a wake up call. At dinner one night, my dad was extorting sympathy for his sad childhood where his dad "was drunk a lot and wouldn't play football with him." My mom leaned over and said to me very intensely, "Can you imagine what it would be like to have a dad who wouldn't even play a game of catch with you?" And I wanted to yell, "No, but I can imagine what it's like to have a dad who beat my baby sister so violently she went into convulsions and started foaming at the mouth! Top that one!"

...

And where do they get off, thinking they deserve my sympathy for their tough childhoods? How about this. I'm cutting off the sympathy pipe-line. They don't get any more of my sympathy until it starts flowing both ways. Is that so unfair?

Angel:

I know what that's like. My mother has been my father's cheerleader my entire life. She has done this sort of thing.

Any time I complained about his abuse, I was reminded of his 'hard' childhood and how his parents neglected him or beat him with whatever was available. Apparently, my father's abuse was more important than mine.

It's not unfair to expect a two-way relationship with your parents. Unfortunately, that may not happen for many of us.

 

[Froggie]

I don't know if it's the right answer... but I feel angry. :notworthy: I feel really angry with her for not trying to get some kind of help and then helping us. And I feel guilty for feeling that way.

Ditto here, really angry because she had PsyDrs and was in therapy, and she still continued, and still has the same line of speech ... It's not my fault ... it's never her fault. So I can really relate to your angry feeling angel2write. Candle burning for us today

 

[BloomInWinter]

This says to me the opposite of what you are trying to state above and in your previous post with the exception that you exclude your mother from 'your family' in defining unhealthy relationships. Why?

((((((Nicolette))))))

I haven't forgotten this...been working it out. But it's too painful.

I realize...my Dad really had me seeing my Mom as incompetent, weak, undependable...I was pulled away from even seeking her help.

I do think there were things she did...but mostly, FAILED to do, that would have made such a difference.

UGH. Can't go any further on this. Too numb and triggered. I'll continue it in my diary when I get a chance.

But I know I need to face this.

 

[BloomInWinter]

:> That's fair - I appreciate the feedback and need to be challenged as much as anyone.

I'm processing this question on this, the 21st anniversary of my Mom's death. I'll write a response when I'm more stable. Still so symptomatic I'm gonna get back off the forum but I will respond.

It's taken quite awhile to find an explanation for why I don't hate or blame my Mom anymore...well, mostly, anyway.

I have found it.

"Sadly, as we see, psychopaths have no lack of victims because so many people are ready and willing to play the role. And in many, many cases, the victim simply refuses to believe the evidence that they are being victimized. Psychological denial screens out knowledge that is painful, and persons with large investments in their fantasies are often unable to acknowledge that they are being deceived because it it too painful. Most often, these are women who rigidly adhere to the traditional role of the female with a strong sense of duty to be a "good wife." She will believe that if she tries harder or simply waits it out, her husband will reform. When he ignores her, abuses her, cheats on her, or uses her, she can simply just decide to "try harder, put more energy into the relationship, and take better care of him." She believes that if she does this, eventually he will notice and will see how valuable she is, and then he will fall on his knees in gratitude and treat her like a queen.

Dream on.

The fact is, such a woman, with her fierce commitment to such a man, her dedication to being a proper wife, has allowed such fairy tales to distort her sense of reality. The reality is that she is doomed to a lifetime of abuse and disappointment until "death do us part."

Source: http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/psychopath.htm

 

[Abrasky]

Sorry Angel2 write that you go that had to go through that and your mother blamed you at 6.

My mother didn't blame me as she didn't know I was being molestered by my stepfather. However when he wasnt' getting a compliant 9 year old any more to go into his room, he turned violent to everyone picking on me the most. My mother blamed me for his violence, came into my room said I hadnt' behaved well this year, why couldn't I be like I use to be. It wasn't really me but my stepfather she was talking about. and told me that I was leaving home and would live with my aunt. She let me walk out the front door with a suitcase. Her abandonment emotional at home hating and ignoring me made me lose empathy for year(psychologist told me) and go into some sort of acute stress disorder I think.

She told me last year that she was thinking about it and dad told her to make me leave home, it wasn't her idea. I don't care if it is true. She still abandoned me.SHe did it in other ways too. Abandoning me by listening in the next room in the attack that gave me PTSD hurt the most. Then she blamed me for that too.

Her mother abandoned her when she was 16 years old and 3 months pregnant with me. She had returned on the train 4 hours to her mum's place after she was bruised and beaten by my biological father. She knocked on the door. Her mother took one look at her and said to go back. So she went back and was beaten more. Beaten to the point she ended up in hospital for a month 2 years later. Her mother was scitzphrenic(mildly) and absent and let mum wonder as a child and kept having babies to men who drank too much alchohol.

I try to understand her, but I can't. I wouldn't abandon my own child and I have even intervened in neighbors beating up their kids have not made the same choice my mother made in abandoning me to violence.