Thought I Had A Carer For A Second.....

[freakofnurture]

Lonely sucks :(

Isn't there something you can do to be your own company? Something good for yourself to have some quality me-time? Something to reward yourself for being so awake, steadfast and hard rocking that you managed to save yourself some major bad company grievances?

 

[OKRADLAK]

Hi Albatross....no worries. I am not talking to him at all and have not since I posted. I phoned an old T that I used to have who explained that even if he is safe, he is not good for me because I don't feel safe! That made a lot of sense. His interests scare me just because they are triggers, so that's just not a good match.

I wish I had not pulled the plug so fast, but it's done and I am NOT going to go back and try to open in up again. My brain hurts. So no worries!! I am not wavering in actions, only head. I feel really crazy to have just gone from one extreme all the way to the other!!!

I am sticking out work, too, so I am extra proud of myself! It's been hard to dance around him. We don't really bump into one another and he is not pursuing me..........he will be OK. He's very attractive, energetic, and young and strapping, so goodness knows it won't be long! LOL.

You bet, FON! I used to like to swim and have been going back to a pool. I hate feeling so alone and being around lots of people and still alone is bad, too. However, it's not so bad after the first 15 minutes and you get into it..They have laps on Tuesdays where you can just go forever. I have been going almost every evening this week (and tonight!!) just to distract, but it also raises the chemicals in the brain...........I'll make it!!

 

[The Albatross]

Lap swimming had a definate calming for me... I hate being out of the pool... but have to wear ear plugs even in the shower and need the rebounding / gravity of land based activity (uh... Hate it, but do it anyway). Glad you're swimming... not only for the reasons you mentioned but it elongates the spine (decompresses) and it's great for add/adhd.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Update-----we sat by one another at lunch twice, but others were there. He just kinda came over and I just kept eating. He did suck me in a little, but then I left. But the next time we saw one another he was actually quite rude.

Him: "Why don't you wear any make up? You' d look nicer" OUCH!
Me: "Why don't you get a new attitude?!" or something lame and stupid on the moment.

I know these types really like people and then devalue them. They get obsessed and then get mad. But I have done nothing to him to provoke it. In fact, he is the one who spent all his time telling me about his girlfriend and how they are going to be married soon. I think he was just looking for a fling.

I am so messed up that I still find him attractive. I have learned in DBT that feelings really mean nothing and they are nothing to be ashamed of. OK, so I have feelings, but I am not acting on them.

Well, that is the update. I guess I am glad he is being rude to me. Makes my choices and emotions easier to sort out.
Plus the job ends soon so hopefully I will never see him again.

 

[Tiger Kitten]

It's always easier when they take off their mask a bit. Good job :)

Tiger

 

[freakofnurture]

Him: "Why don't you wear any make up? You' d look nicer."

"Funny, I just wanted to tell you the same." :D

OKRAD? Good riddance!!!

 

[OKRADLAK]

Failed............

 

[freakofnurture]

Failed............

A relapse is not a failure. It's human.

Remind yourself: You managed to get on the right track before, thus you'll manage to get there again :) I'm pretty confident that you can do it. Actually, I am 100% positive.

 

[Tiger Kitten]

Thomas Edison once said, "I haven't failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that don't work." You only really fail when you quit trying. You won't quit trying.

Tiger

 

[OKRADLAK]

FON.......You are right because I see the right track. I want it........and I have to keep trying to get there.....

Tiger: Now THAT is an amazing quote. I will remember that one. I have not even found 1000 ways that do not work, so I am doing pretty darn good in light of that quote!!:D

 

[OKRADLAK]

Well, I decided to leave both these people and the craziness of them both and the job. Two days ago I went to the ER. They did not admit me, but they should have.

So it's on me. I am leaving this whole area for a little while to get my head on straight. I have a sister is another area who lives in a very calming house with no interference. I will have my laptop but not my phone.:)

I really think it's time to turn this around. I am trying to get help, but it's hard unless you say you are suicidal. That is not right. But it means I have to get creative .

 

[The Albatross]

Okay, now I'm worrying. I get cutting off both the people but why the job? No chance of a "medical leave of absence"? It is, of course, whatever you need to do... I'm just a "bird in the hand" person... and tend to use or reframe difficulty as growth experiences, or boundary setting lessons... but safety/security/finances is my bug-a-boo. I just am fretting some about letting go of something solid for a "change". It's probably me like I said. I know you enough to know that you've thought this through... so I guess I'll quit worrying and just keep following along.

Not my best post... I'm sorry. The job thing would scare me though.