Every Day Is A Struggle

[Megan]

Every day seems like a struggle. I rarely have good days.

I don't enjoy things I once enjoyed and today was really bad. I got up @ 11:30am and felt terrible the rest of the day. I kept seeing my life in my mind... the life I had prior to PTSD. I was happy. my mom and I was at disney world....happy. Now my life just feels like crap.

I'm 24 year and feel like this is going to be my life forever. I am very angry right now and I don't even know why. I just feel like i'm at my wits ends and every body expects me to do things when I'm not feeling well. AHHHHH. My new psycologist said to fake it till i make it. It's not that freaking easy.

I just need help. I am always stressed out... I went to the beach and didn't really enjoy it and all along i got sunburn which hurts 100% more these days and itches.

I'm just in a bad mood and every dya feels like the same. Get up feel like crap, can't sleep take pills. Do same thing again the next day.

When will it ever end?

 

[ISupportHer]

Megan

You don't know me, nor I you. Sorry you are feeling down. Truthfully? And you want the truth, right? Not empty promises?

It will be tough. It will be up and down. Yes, you will feel like crap sometimes.

But, and there is always a "but"

You ask if it will ever end. I truly, truly believe that it can be better, BUT how much and the time line depends on you, to a very large extent. You have a few things going for you RIGHT now! Even though you are down and feel like crap, you came here and shared that. Awesome. Keep sharing. Keep examining yourself and what you feel and what YOU can do to heal. Don't know the steps you have taken. Just keep doing ANYTHING you can to make each day a little better by working to heal. And accept each small improvement and be proud of it.

ISH

 

[Froggie]

How well put Megan. We all have stages of those ... what I call Urk moments ... Being a sufferer myself, I can assure you that there are moments when the sun shines again. It's a rollercoaster. These are moments you have to use all the courage you got inside of you ... try to find at least one thing you appreciated today, laugh at least one time today, say thank you for something today ... When we're in the rut Urk time, those 3 things can sound like climbing Everest, but man can they ever do us some good inside of us. You can do it, you managed to come on line to vent out ... YESSSS terrific, you have that force and power inside of you ... I'm proud of you.

 

[Lionheart]

Hi Megan,

I can really relate to how you are feeling. I went through what seems like years of feeling crap...I couldn't enjoy the things that I used to and it seemed like it was never going to end. My "T" said that healing is like growing a fingernail; you don't notice the little changes from day to day but one day you look down and have a fingernail. Healing is made up of a lot of small changes that add up along the way and is probably the reason your 't' suggested you fake it till you make it.

I know it is not easy, there were time when I prayed for God to take me home and just let me die. I felt like the walking dead anyway and I could not see any light at the end of the tunnel, but I managed to keep going despite the fact that I didn't think it was really going to help and I have done a lot of healing work and have come a long way from the dark prison that used to be my life.

Try being gentle with yourself and reward yourself with little things that you like, so at the end of the day you won't feel like you have been run over by a truck. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing, it can get better and it will if you stick to your healing path!!! Best of luck to you.
LH

 

[Ron]

Trust me, it will end. You have to put the pedal to the metal and don't let up. You need to do healing work. It's not going to be easy, but you will make it. Trust me, you will.

 

[Megan]

I honestly don't know when I will feel better. I just look back on last year when I felt better...when i felt myself. I think about death all the time. not my death but about loved ones. I know everyone is going to go one time or another but feeling like crap now just makes me scared of what the future holds for me and whether or not I can make it on my own. I had a therapist for 2 years who wasn't helping so I switched to a new one. When I told the old therapist i was leaving all he said was "Okay bye" after 2 years of sessions. The new one seems to be better. She is going to recommend me to see a psychiatrist who will probably prescribe me anti-depressants. I do hope she does because perhaps there will be SOME relief in them.

I can't sleep. I haven't really slept since October of last year. I used to take tylenol Pm to get to bed but that stopped working and now i'm on melatonin which is helping (probably cuz i take 2 instead of 1. oy. As i am writing this i am sleepy for once but i have a headache which is a lot. Today i was walking the dog and I felt a tiny bit normal but it didn't last long.

 

[a3a2]

I think "fake it till you make it" is crappy advice. Glad to see you are getting a new psych.

I recommend small steps. Doing little things.....exercising a little each day....talking to a friend.....getting a haircut. And celebrating that you have done something great. When you are in a depression, everything is so difficult, so you deserve to celebrate the small accomplishments.

Feel better, soon, Megan.

 

[Megan]

Sometimes I think this is "normal," since I think I wasn't normal before. I had no friends (still don't).
I kept to myself because I was picked on in high school and hung out with my parents most of the time.
I don't don't fit in because I don't like to drink or go to parties. I'm your low down person who just wants to stay in all the time, especially now because I just feel invisible to everyone else.. I don't enjoy anything any more. I used to love going to the movies a lot. But there isn't any thing more I am interested in. I used to love family style movies and I just don't any more. I HATE THIS, but sometimes I think it's normal now.

 

[Ron]

I had no friends (still don't).

I will be your friend.

 

[a3a2]

Megan,

I, too, am not a partier. I was picked on terribly in high school. When I think of that, in addition to the abuse I suffered, I often wonder how I survived. I really feel for you.

May I ask your age. I am suspecting 20's, as most people in their 20's have not yet matured out of the party stage. That can be quite isolating for those who are not into that scene.

I can't tell you where to find your friends....I found mine in church, but I know that's not for everyone. Like Ron, I would like to be your friend. I know it isn't as good as a person being right there with you....but it is nice to have someone who understands.

 

[Megan]

Hi a3a2,
i'll am 24 years old and will be 25 in a few months. :(.
I just came back from crabbing down South NJ and i honestly don't remember crabbing... I do though but it's like hrs are missing and don't know what I just did while at the same time I know what i did because i am still wet on the end of my pants and have a few crabs. But it's like it didn't even happen. I just want to be normal again.

 

[Coolio]

Hi Megan,

I went to google to search for some answers to why I feel crappy when I wake up. I thought I was alone and everyone else seems perfectly normal.

Because of you I signed up for this forum so that I can respond to your thread and hopefully make a difference. When I read your entry, I was touched and I thought let me say a few words if it helps. I always ask why do I/we feel this way? There is no simple answer but I guess it is because we do not feel like we have a purpose in our life.

Now and then we get a little relief from doing something that makes us happy. Sometimes we forget how blessed we are. We forget the little things to be thankful for.

I'll tell you a little story. When I was in my early 20's my girlfriend broke up with me and I was devastated. I was depressed in and out. Nothing made me happy. The reason being, I never knew why she broke up with me, so that took a lot of energy out of me. What gave me a wake up call was one special week when I was deeply depressed and I couldn't sleep even if I tried. I was on the couch for like a week eating and the only time I got up was to get some food or to use the bathroom. Anyway I was watching the news and there was a little kid who was disabled and he was unfortunate from birth. That touched me greatly and that was a change for me. Here I am scolding at whoever is out there(God specially) for me feeling crappy and what not and there are people out there who are less fortunate than us. So from that day on, I tried my best no matter how bad things get, I would never allow myself to be depressed greatly like that.

Well since that day on, I had better days but even if I go through tough times (coz life is not rosy always), I put up with it and tried my best to be thankful for and move on. But lately I forgot all that energy and I am feeling crappy in most of my mornings. And now I know why that is... I do not have a definite aim or goal in my life. I feel like I am stuck but deep down inside me I know there is more to life. The only way I feel better is if I help myself. The question is how do I go about in doing that... oh well I know the answer to that but something is holding me back from doing that. I am too comfortable to be moody, crappy and depressed. My comfort zone is my lazy zone and I need to change it.

So here is what I suggest we do for those of us who are feeling depressed and unworthy. 1st find something that makes us happy even just a little bit. It could be walking in the park, going to the beach, watching movies, hanging out with friends, reading self motivating books, reading forums, chatting on-line, meditation, going to the gym, playing games... e.t.c the list continues. 2ndly help the less fortunate, it could be family, friends or even strangers. Anyone we help or try to help with a problem no matter how big or small can give us a boost of energy for our life. 3rdly have a purpose in life but start from a day to day plan. When we progress it could be a weekly plan and then monthly and then yearly, until we achieve our purpose in life.

When I am writing this I am advising myself as well. Because now I feel a bit better and I think you should do something each day. Megan take life one day at a time but try to do something one day and come here and post whatever you are feeling. I hope we all can help each other and good luck. In the mean time if you are believer of some sort then learn to pray more. I myself I am a Christian but I do not know why I do not pray often. I am going to pray for you and I and for all those who need the guidance and help we can all get.