Numb And Find Partner Annoying

[Anna]

I feel really bad for writing this. I sometimes don't feel anything at all. I refer to it as "comfortably numb". I just want to be alone and find my partner really annoying. Everything they do is wrong and they just seem to get in my way all the time. I feel like I don't love them anymore sometimes and just wish they would leave me alone. I sometimes feel they are so childish and am fed up with being the responsible one all the time. I wish I could leave sometimes as it is driving me nuts.

 

[Kb3]

This happens to me, but less with my husband than with my children. I sometimes feel completely numb and incapable of emotion with them. They don't know why it's happening, but they know it is and it makes them very insecure.

When I am feeling numb I just want to be alone too. Because some of my kids are small I can't get that time to myself so I turn to food to soothe myself and bring myself back:(.

 

[Srain]

Oh yeah..HA! I can relate, I understand feeling guilty about posting it and chances are it will pass but for now you feel what you feel and I get it.

It can be extremely difficult dealing with PTSD and when I shut down I really just want to be alone. My husband is usually pretty good about reading the signals but when I'm in a serious "shut down" I can get edgy about it, when that happens I really need to communicate it. I'm not always very good at that and that's when I start what I call "babbling"....:speechless: it's not always a good thing...especially when I start getting red hot insistent about my space.

I may want to explain all the reasons why and at times like this it may not always be the best of times, if you know what I mean. It may end up being full on VENT....like the other day :unsure: yeah, not a good thing.

I know better than to do that but everyone slips ...

Here's a guideline I found that might help you both while going through these difficult times, I found it on the Supporter's Relationship:

Pete Walker, MA Tools For Lovingly Resolving Conflict (I can't get the code to work sorry, here's just part of it!)

Timeouts
Two of the most common reasons that relationships break up is irreconcilable damages and irreparable damages. The latter could have been prevented in many cases if couples knew how to use timeouts judiciously. This is especially true for trauma survivors, who when flashing back, can easily lose control to the outer critic and say all kinds of deeply wounding things to each out. Survivors need to learn to recognize the signs of being activated and take timeouts to stop the bleeding caused by a critic on the rampage. Things said in the heat of activation can wound deep and engrave themselves in the psyche of the other in deply trust destroying ways. So much of this needless intimacy destruction will be prevented in both members of the couple agree that either of them can call a timeout whenever they feel too triggered to be lovingly confrontive, or are experiencing the other as flashing back into being overly aggressive.

This all may be TMI but your post caught my attention so take what you want and leave the rest ;)

peace,
Rain

 

[Anna]

I don't know why, but in my 20s I dealt with it better. I recently hit my 30s and the past years I found it is getting worse. Today I was even planning moving out to be alone. I think I need to find a therapist again. I just don't understand why it is coming back again?

 

[Srain]

It could just be you need someone who truly understands what you are going through to help you at this time to listen and answer those questions.

Take good care,
peace,
Rain

 

[friendlybadger]

I hear ya Anna. I oftentimes dream of being alone again for the mental peace. Bottom line for me though, is my husband is my rock and I'm content with our life. So, instead of running away, which I am prone to do just by my nature, I try to break things into manageable pieces. Like, I find the stepkids too draining to be around during the summer when they're free to run around all hours of the day and night. So I said I won't take care of them nights that H works. Saved my sanity and kept my marriage together. I find that stepping back like that, giving myself space from something that upsets me, allows me more clarity and room so that I don't freak out.
Maybe you could try to get space from your partner? First determine how much space you need. Do you really want to be alone or just have some time by yourself? Once you now how much aloneness you want, you can get your partner to give you what you need. If you need to be totally alone, like forever, and have them move out, then you should work toward that goal. Just be sure that's the goal you want and not just to have some time during the day where you're partner-free. I thought I wanted to be partner-free but upon reflection, it turns out I just need less pressure from him and the stepkids, so having him working opposite shifts from me helps alot. That and not being constantly responsible for the stepkids.
Figure out what you want and ask for it. :)

 

[Anna]

Think a problem is he cannot understand it 100%. I don't expect him too either. I just sometimes feel so alone and wish I had someone who did understand.

 

[Kb3]

Think a problem is he cannot understand it 100%. I don't expect him too either. I just sometimes feel so alone and wish I had someone who did understand.

I can totally relate to this Anna, and what has helped me has been forums like this and working through my traumas in therapy. It's still not great, but it has been a lot more tolerable since I found other people who have been through similar situations and become less symptomatic from therapy. I don't feel so alone anymore. Good luck, it's a lonely feeling. ((((hugs)))).

 

[NutritionNerd]

File this under the symptoms of avoidance and emotional numbing. I have learned to not act when I am feeling like I don't care about anything or any body as it is a temporary thing. Your flight or fight response can shut off your feelings - that is why some people can be so cool and calm during a crisis, its the same mechanism. Makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint - who wants to be feeling stuff while they're trying to kill an enemy. Probably why it doesn't hit soldiers for a while. It's like a chemically induced state that suddenly ends when they reach someplace where they feel totally safe and relax. Then all hell breaks loose.

 

[wachovia]

I totally understand - I have been married for over 20 years. My husband is very clingy and he has been since the beginning but since PTSD I cant stand anything about him- the way he looks, smells anything and when he hugs me or anything it makes me feel like I could jump out of my skin. He is always right there to help me with anything - and I cannot even feel greatful - it is a threat to me - like hes doing nice things to get closer to me - YUCK - makes me want to run away as fast as I can. I would like it if he would just leave me - the thought of being alone seems peaceful. I know that seems cold and hard and I probably would run fast if we didn't have younger kids - but I feel guilty even thinking about putting them through a separation or divorce.

 

[Martin Taylor]

Timeouts
This is especially true for trauma survivors, who when flashing back, can easily lose control to the outer critic and say all kinds of deeply wounding things to each out. Survivors need to learn to recognize the signs of being activated and take timeouts to stop the bleeding caused by a critic on the rampage. Things said in the heat of activation can wound deep and engrave themselves in the psyche of the other in deply trust destroying ways. So much of this needless intimacy destruction will be prevented in both members of the couple agree that either of them can call a timeout whenever they feel too triggered to be lovingly confrontive, or are experiencing the other as flashing back into being overly aggressive.

This all may be TMI but your post caught my attention so take what you want and leave the rest ;)

peace,
Rain[/quote]

Oh my! I wish I saw this 30 years go (no kidding). I have caused so much hurt in my marriage by letting the outer critic loose that I can never undo it. It took me forever to learn about this problem of mine, it hurts to look back at the pain I've caused. Pain begets pain, take the timeout.

Good new is that I don't feel that way as much as I used to, the therapy has really helped.

 

[Jacquie]

File this under the symptoms of avoidance and emotional numbing. I have learned to not act when I am feeling like I don't care about anything or any body as it is a temporary thing. Your flight or fight response can shut off your feelings - that is why some people can be so cool and calm during a crisis, its the same mechanism. Makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint - who wants to be feeling stuff while they're trying to kill an enemy. Probably why it doesn't hit soldiers for a while. It's like a chemically induced state that suddenly ends when they reach someplace where they feel totally safe and relax. Then all hell breaks loose.

Oh oh. I've always been that way since I can remember. Even as a child it always came down to me to deal with any crisis. And I was good at it and that 'calmly doing what had to be done' was then followed (only when everything and everyone was ok) with the emotional reaction afterwards (when I could afford to feel). I always called it 'exec mode' for want of a better word. Things got DONE while everyone else was busy falling apart or running around making noise but not fixing it.

I never equated that in any way with fight or flight though. More with stay calm, think, assess and fix it, so the 'drama' goes away. My aim was always to see it, assess it, formulate what needs to be done and get it done. The same things that always had me in a position of leadership in any crisis.

Is that really related to flight or fight and adrenalin? Is there any more info on that? Because 'that calm place' feels different to 'that numb place'. When I'm numb I feel nothing. When I'm calm but alert I feel everything, but its processed intellectually. Its focussed and channelled. When numb I'm more likely to stand there and be hit by the bus I could see coming and just dont care or move to get out of its way.