Feeling Sad And Abandoned

[purple butterfly]

One thing that i find myself doing when i am feeling anxious and abandoned is to get onto the forum and read others experiences. It is helping greatly to know that when family and most friends show little or no support that there are others in similar situations.

I need to remind myself that others feel alone, misunderstood and not worthy of others care.

It seems in some ways that I am opening my eyes to what is going on in the world around me. My T said for most of my life I have just been in survival mode and have not really had the time or space to see the relationships that exist, especially in my family. It is a powerful journey of realizing for the first time what is true in terms of relationships and that the feeling of abandonment that I felt as a child is continuing into my adult life.And that I alone need to care for and nuture my hurt inneer child.

 

[Nicolette]

Yer you do... two of us only a 30 minute drive away, or a phone call if you want to chat, coffee, etc...

Yes.... sending you (((hugs)))

 

[purple butterfly]

Thank you so much Nicolette

 

[purple butterfly]

I told my T this week that I felt I should try to be able to see my father, even just briefly at family events. My children have suffered a lot of trauma and I don't want to add to their pain by them feeling that I won't go to family events or that they have to be loyal to me and not go. He suggested that I would have to slowly desensitize myself (with his support.)

A t the time I thought it was possible but I still haven't been able to listen to a phone msg he left trwo weeks ago, let alone ring him or see him even bruefly. I kept telling myself he is elderly and can't hurt me any more, that I am an adult and in control, but still my inner child comes to the fore feeling scared and fearful.

I feel really stuck and anxious.

 

[purple butterfly]

The fall out from thinking I could see my father was a week of intense anxiety and some time off work. Just before I went to see my T this week my son told me that my father had expressed his concern for me on a number occasions, just recently saying he was worried about me, he didn't know how much time he had left and he couldn't help being needy because he was getting older,
.
I was elated I thought he cared, then when I got to my T he explained once again it was all about him. Neither of his worries were about me just him.

It shows how subtle his abuse is and has been .When my son relayed the msg he genuinely believed that he cared.

 

[anthony]

Correct... words can be interpreted quite clearly when abuse has laid a foundation and pattern prior. If his concern was valid, then he would not attempt to manipulate you through guilt of his own pending death, instead he would just acknowledge his wrongs, tell you he missed talking with you or such, and leave it at that.

The moment a person puts down a guilt trip, is the same moment emotional abuse returns. Making a person feel guilty is emotional abuse. We all do it... even unknowingly at times, though when you endure it for long periods, it becomes quite noticeable vs. the occasional slipup / wanting a little love, attention or sympathy.

 

[Nicolette]

You're making good progress in your thinking and identification of situations PB :tup:

 

[purple butterfly]

I saw my T last night and discussed how my 3 brothers and 2 sons, as well as me and my daughter are all caught up in my father's insidious web. My T said in a normal family, someone would probably take on the role of confronting my father about my issues , telling him to ****, that he is out of line. As I don't know what normal is, this was a bit of a revelation!!!!

After last night, I realised it wasn't just me and my daughter, but all the males in my family are caught up in the web. My father has so much control that no one is prepared to confront him. One brother (psychologist) asked me if I wanted him to confront my father. I said no, the fallout would be too great.
So it would seem that he was asking my permission to confront my father. He was not prepared to act independently. So it all fell on me, it would be my responsibility if and when my father reacted and it all fell apart, if he was confronted.

But I have since realised this means my father never has to take responsibility for his actions. But being a narcissist, this is not likely to happen anyway.

My daughter has had enormous medical issues to confront all her life. She is profoundly deaf, and at the time was the youngest child in the world to have a cochlear implant. She suffers from depression, fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, some of which was a result of her father's alcoholism. Having said this, she is an interior designer and has reached for the stars ( our motto). She has been admitted twice to a mental health hospital. The first was for six weeks when her father was struggling with oesophageal cancer in 2007. My daughter was home about 5 weeks. In that time my husband was drinking again, was suicidal and died (we think with some intervention behalf).

My daughter is struggling again. I have just spoken to her psychatrist and I feel the same despair. Bringing a lot of emotions to the fore again. I have no family members to turn to, except my daughter who is struggling.

I know my sons love me but are not able to support me in these emotional issues, partly because they have their own issues they are dealing with their father.

So the feeling of abandonment and isolation continues.

 

[purple butterfly]

I was trying to remember why my daughter having severe depression was such an ordeal when my husband had cancer. I have just remembered that she was depressed as was my husband.

I had to decide whether I stayed home with my daughter who was severley depressed and needed to go to hospital or go on a spontaneous holiday with my husband who had just had a suspected suicide attempt and was dying of cancer. My daughter was supported by my some family and her T. I went on the holiday with my husband. My daughter was admiited as soon as we returned home from holiday. She was in hospital about 4 weeks. On her return home my husband started drinking, had at least one suicide attempt and died possibly from some intervention about 4 weeks after my daughter came home.

I guess that is the reason why I am feeling fragile and alone tonight!

 

[Nighthawk]

I am so sorry for what you have gone through. Feeling alone and abandoned makes all the sense in the world .

Thinking of you

NH

 

[Tinyflame]

(((((((Purple butterfly))))))

 

[purple butterfly]

I rang my Father for Father's Day yesterday. I haven't spoken to him for a few months. My motivation was not to please him but to gauge my reaction.

After much anxiety I rang. He didn't react in the way that someone does to a much loved person they haven't heard from for awhile. He was quite short and cold. The conversation went for less than a minute. He told me my brothers were with him watching the football which was about to start. Using his usual emotional abuse said that he wasn't mobile and things were difficult for him. I mentioned that I had been having a difficult time. He knew he said and with what seemed like a threatening tone, said we need to talk (like hell!) that I should not let whatever is going on get in the way!! (meaning him).

He didn't ask how I was, or my children, especially being Father's Day. (My husband died of cancer.) He was only concerned about watching the football with his sons. (Who have offered support me and then I have heard nothing for months.)

I guess over time you begin to accept that all is not as it seemed. Until recently I thought my family was awesome, but it was all a lie. Subtle emotional abuse has been going on forever towards me and I didn't even know, I thought it was all normal. How sad to think that emotional abuse is normal and not to even see it. My brothers seem to be caught in the web of deceit, being controlled and held under his spell.

My reaction says it all, I have intense anxiety at the moment and have to face a classroom of 6 year olds this morning. I just feel like curling up in bed for the day. I feel like adrenalin is flooding through my body.