Feeling Sad And Abandoned

[purple butterfly]

Have only spoken to my father once since I last posted, that was about a month ago. He asked me what is going on with me and basically all he was concerned about was how his contributing behaviour might make him look. He just kept making excuses for his behaviour. He showed absolutely no concern for me and started telling me I should do what he does when things are hard: get out and see people. ( this is so far from the truth it isn't funny.) Expletives are going off in my head. He was subtley lecturing, me telling me to get over it and look on the bright side. He left a message on my phone a few weeks ago and and today. I know I am not in the right head space to talk or see him.

My ( adopted) brother is turning 50 in four weeks and I would love to be there. His natural mother is coming from England and as I have stayed with her three times, I would love to see her. But I am not sure if I can make it I guess I will just have to wait and see. At this stage the thought of being in the same room as my father is too overwhelming.

I saw none of my extended family over Christmas and even though my brothers promise that they will be in touch I only hear occasionally from them. I am feeling really lost and struggling to work out where I belong.

I feel very isolated from people and friends very rarely contact me. I don't make the effort because I don't know what to say and it seems too hard to put a mask on when I have to do that all week at work.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear purple butterfly, try to think of the joy seeing your brother, instead of the other.

I know, was thinking will be alone at Easter, am a bit sad about it. But on the other hand, will be avoiding a lot of negative that likely would come with the positive. :(

((((((Hugs)))))

 

[Wordgirl]

I've read through this entire thread, purple butterfly, and could identify with many of your issues. Both of my parents died a long time ago, and I am very lucky to have outlived them. As the years have passed, I realize how little they gave me emotionally, physically, or spiritually, instead taking everything they could possibly carry away with them (money, possessions, etc.) - and how badly I wanted their approval, even though they were both poisonous. Only years after they were gone did I realize that what I wanted meant nothing to them, and IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME! It was their problem, not mine - I was just collateral damage.

I am very much in touch with my inner child and do everything I can to comfort her. I have a teddy that I've slept with for 25 years, I have little toys on my desk (a wind up pencil sharpener robot) and things that just make me smile to look at. I'm sending you a big (((hug))).

 

[purple butterfly]

I still have on going issues with my father. I saw him for the first time in late April for my brother's birthday. It was probably six months since I had had contact with him. He avoided me and made no eye contact. I had a massive fallout from that experience. And have had no contact since.

I recently sent him a long letter trying to give him some understanding of the traumas I have been going through my whole life. I got his reply last night. I should not have been surprised but I am still reeling from his response. I feel like I have received a massive blow to my core.

He chose to ignore most issues I bought up, including the death of two brothers not long after birth, a core issue. He ignored any reference to signs that I was dealing with trauma as a child.

In response to 30 years of married life in an abusive relationship he said that was disappointing. He denied he had much information about what was happening at this time. I used to ring and say what was happening. When I would ask if he was upset by what I was saying he would always say "no". I don't understand how he could hear about his daughter and grandchildren being in an abusive relationship and not care.

His response in his letter showed no evidence of empathy. He didn't mention any understanding of the psychological or emotional impact the trauma has had on my life. But he did say he now had an understanding of what I was dealing with ( whatever*****).

He said in his letter he would not attend my daughter's wedding, in case he triggered me or my daughter. She is devastated, not only is her father not going to be there ( he has passed away... his life has been a whole other trauma) her grandfather won't be there, the first of his grandchildren to get married.

I have just discovered my daughter's relationship with her fiancé is a trigger for me. My daughter has said that her fiancé reminds her of her father. They are living with me and intend to continue after the wedding. triggers are going of everywhere

To continue the theme none of my 3 living brothers have offered any support in terms of my daughter getting married or any support for me personally.
I feel so alone.

 

[Nicolette]

I am sorry you feel so alone PB. :hug:

I am wondering what you were expecting from a man who never got involved for at least 30 years let alone your childhood? My therapist wanted me to confront my mother but I expected nothing short of something along the lines of what you received so I never wrote a letter or confronted her but did at time write down how I felt. I am glad I never sent a letter as I think it would have shattered any last morsel of hope I had as I feel it has done to you. I was told it would release me but I found that release from coming to terms with what I could never change - getting someone to see and acknowledge something they didn't want to.

I think the good thing is now you can at least stop wondering and make a decision on what is best for you. :sorry:

Take care and you know you can always write to me if you need to. :hug:

 

[purple butterfly]

Nearly two years on. I no longer see my father. I wrote a letter to my father a while ago outlining some of my abuse from him as a child and adult. And from my husband, the breadth of abuse being for 53 of my 56 years. His reply was as an adult it never seemed that bad ( in relation to the abuse from my husband ). Being a complete and utter narcissist of course any suggestion I made about his abuse was wrong (of course .) His motivation was always flawless and perfect.

I am feeling again very alone and abandoned. I have congenital bilateral hip dyplasia. This has never presented any real issues, except that in retrospect I didn't like to run, cross my legs ( to be a good student,) do the splits, be a ballerina, do gymnastics or be athletic (not in my nature anyway.)

I had a total hip replacement in early January this year. My hip gave way relatively quickly and presented a few challenging months. In the scheme of things this was painful but I consider myself to be so lucky that I can afford private health insurance. Being a primary school teacher in Melbourne Australia I was blessed with plenty of sick leave to cover a term off work

 

[purple butterfly]

But what I guess what I need to say is I feel so lonely and abandoned. In previous posts I talked about my adopted brother after two brothers died just after birth. I have always considered my adopted brother and myself close. I have two birth brothers born later.

My adopted brother's birth mother has recently been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, a very aggressive cancer. I see her as a close female akin to a mother. She lives in England and I have visited her three times with my father. (Explanation at another time.)

I lent my adopted brother money to visit his mother in England before she died. At the back of my mind perhaps I thought he would show he cared about me. He said we would catch up as soon as he and his wife got home. Six weeks later nothing.

Another brother came to see me a few weeks ago ( a psychologist that works with abused children.) He manipulated me into saying that I would see my father. My other brother ( who is a psychiatric nurse) contacted me a few weeks ago making excuse for my other brothers saying they were too busy to catch up. My tesponse was

 

[purple butterfly]

At the moment apart from my T I feel I have no one who can relate or who I can talk to truthfully

 

[purple butterfly]

It's good to back. Just after this last post I was admitted to hospital for depression and anxiety and then didn't go back to work till this year. I now see a psychiatrist and my psychologist. My medication has changed and my aim this year has just to be at work. Once I get home I am exhausted and just lie on the bed.

I made a decision to sell our family home after lots of talking to my psychologist over many years. It was the site of ongoing abuse and i have struggled to be in the house. Yesterday I sold it. After two of my children, a brother and friend left I felt very deflated. I wish i could celebrate but am feeling numb, exhausted and alone. But even if i did have someone to celebrate with, I have no energy. i have spent most of the day lying on my bed. Trying to get enough energy to get to work tomorrow.

 

[Nicolette]

Yesterday I sold it.

Well done! I can't imagine how much energy this took but it sounds like a positive step :)

 

[purple butterfly]

Hopefully it's the start of a new chapter, new beginnings.

 

[Nicolette]

It will be :)