How Do Others Piece Together The Jigsaw Of Trauma?

[Tinyflame]

Abelabelabel and Justin- are we 3 triplets?, ha. :):):)

Thank you, I feel/ experience the same.

 

[Emilie]

You know, it takes a really strong person to look at yourself like that and try to analyze the situation in order to better yourself. I don't think we should be hard on ourselves when it comes to not remembering things. The fact in and of itself is that most people don't even choose to even look at it, but we do. We stare in the face until it bites us and we go back for more. As for me, I want to remember, so that maybe some morsel of truth may be found, some justification. a reason or explanation. I try to look back and address the beliefs that formed my being, and try to reason with them. Cut a deal if you will. I just cannot shake their core enough for them to crumble.

I have pieced together most of it, but my timeline is constantly skewed, details are missing or misrepresented. I've written my story for police, therapists, court, children and youth. It's been different every time. all that matters is the concept, and a few nasty details... It complicated...how am I supposed to remember what happened 13 years ago, every day, for 7 years. I never can. I know when I feel angry from nothing...when I get migraines, when I get panic attacks. It's like a billion piece puzzle built of pain. and the picture isn't even worth it. But I keep building it. Maybe it's neurosis.

 

[yomama]

I really really really appreciate all the posts on this thread. Having just started with a new therapist and a renewed commitment to myself, I feel like I'm standing on a precipice. I'm hopeful that she can handle me but I'm also terrified of what may surface. In the past year. numerous memories surfaced...some that I knew were there...leading to feelings of deeper dread and foreboding that other shit happened in my childhood...shit that I've been protecting myself from until now. We're only on session #3 and she asked me to list my "coping" and "self-soothing" skills. I immediately said "dissociation, compartmentalization, and avoidance." :) What?! They've worked well so far!!!

 

[LawPhotos]

We're only on session #3 and she asked me to list my "coping" and "self-soothing" skills. I immediately said "dissociation, compartmentalization, and avoidance."

My three best friends!

 

[purple butterfly]

I am still in denial, is that disociation or avoidance?

I wish I could remember more, I get so frustrated with body memories, not fully integrated memories. Half the time I wonder if I am making it all up. On the surface all seemed fine, to discover in your 50's your childhood was ****** when you actually thought it was pretty perfect is awful!!! to put it mildly! This makes the concept of what is normal interesting.

To not be able to process trauma until I was safe enough after my alcoholic husband died is so sad. My father is still alive and I need to officially cut contact with him. A father and a husband were so abusive, yet to others they were charming.

Sorry am having a bit of a rant. feeling a bit self absorbed!

 

[doglover]

Piecing it together, oy. I'm still in the phase of trying to keep it all separate from my present life. As I'm currently in a phase of trying to accept it I just see how strong the impact is and it makes me want to run back to splitting and escapism.

I have found that by committing to looking at it, and making myself focus on the topic (including by visiting this forum and googling related subjects), it helps me unravel my escapist tendencies.

I'm uncovering certain patterns and working on finding the motivation to explore them. I've initiated therapy, which I've had before but never to confront and process or resolve trauma. I've been paying more attention to my body signals, noticing when I feel constrained and when I feel open. It helps that I have a friend who has been around traumatized people before and understands how it can come across.

I've noticed the biggest help in piecing it together is my conscious will to do so... it's making my life much messier but since my usual approach is to ignore this whole ugly side to my experience, regularly showing myself that I want to face it is helping me unlock some of the blocks and guards I have in place. Mostly now it's just an increase in body memory and increase in reactions based on triggering, and not much intellectual understanding about why... but the increase in body flashbacks and such is still more of the picture than I had.

 

[purple butterfly]

Dog Lover like you, I am still trying to accept the trauma existed. One of main coping strategies is to forget! Not very useful when I am trying to remember.

I am learning to understand my body signals and memories. It is helpful to know that others also have little else to base their understanding on except for body memories and reactions to triggers with little or no access to whole memories.

Thank you it is helpful to know others have similar experiences.

 

[yomama]

I am in a similar boat. I remember feeling unsafe, insecure, and either emotional or shut down for most of my childhood, but surrounded by people forcing the "we're fine, we're a loving family" narrative. Kinda crazy-making when weird things trigger me or odd memories pop up. Yesterday in therapy, I realized that for my entire life I've used the "my experiences weren't as bad as others, so quit complaining" mantra. It's a coping mechanism. But it also minimizes and invalidates what did happen. I also realized, like many of us, that I was so surrounded by dysfunction that I didn't even know it was dysfunction. I knew it felt wrong, but I thought it was just "normal," and that a huge part of life was just getting through it. Yesterday my therapist called something sexual abuse that was just part of "normal" life. She called it "sick." I almost started laughing. I'm a therapist for godsakes, I work with kids who have experienced it all. Why did I not see this for myself? I feel like all my guideposts and reference points are skewed. I hate that feeling of doubt in my own judgement.

 

[doglover]

purple butterfly, I am glad that you can relate to what I described. It's a bit like peeling an onion I think. I'm just grateful for the little bits and pieces that do come. Body memories is something that I was numb to for some time, so I'm making progress. I am still in the process of learning what the body signals mean. Glad to have such warm people around to share the journey. :)

yomama, I so relate to the "others had it worse" idea. I think I took that on from my abuser and it's part of my inner critic now. Even today, I expressed to my BIL that I've decided to "reassess" my relationship with abusive mom after she displayed tons of controlling "I'm always right," stuff at a birthday party. BIL responded by blaming it on her aging... as if she's becoming more this way... and it's scary but for a split second I thought he could be right... and then I thought no, there's no way I'd be where I'm at right now if this stuff just started to get that bad. At least I have enough clarity (today, heh) to argue myself out of taking on more crazy-making ideas about my experiences.

It's really hard to just accept the idea that I was so mistreated. And as I'm a therapist myself, I can soooo relate to the notion of how did I not see this all for what it was?!

That's the thing. We were young, and easily trained to think we had to believe what the authority figures told us. It's very different when you're in the middle of things. Try not to beat yourself up over taking on weird truths when you didn't have much of a choice, ok?

 

[purple butterfly]

Wow thank you yomama and dodglover it has been great to read these threads.

I completely get what you are saying. it is so helpful to have others who understand. The idea that we did not even realise we were mistreated is so true, it was our normality.

That a family can appear to be so loving and caring and was in fact dysfunctional and to not realise until we are adults is unbelievable but sadly true.

I struggle with believing all my trauma has happened because I only have body memories, it has been really helpful to see that others are dealing with similar issues

 

[yomama]

It's a bit like peeling an onion

When I first read this I thought it said "peeing on an onion." I thought, "wow, that's a new one!"

Try not to beat yourself up over taking on weird truths when you didn't have much of a choice, ok?

Thanks doglover, that makes me feel a little better.
And thanks for this thread purple butterfly. It has been good for me to read everyone's words as well.

 

[Abelabelabel]

It's a bit like peeling an onion I think.

Absolutely. As the layers get peeled back, I realize more and more how it has effected me in ways I'm just beginning to understand, and sometimes don't.

doglover/yomama For that inner critic and dealing with our own skewed judgement. I think we can all relate!!! This is one of the things that still frustrates me a lot. As I got older friends and family constantly tell me how I am doing alright, and that I am doing great considering my circumstances, I still feel like I was lacking a lot of guidance. My inner critic and skewed judgement, on top of everything else, totally messed with my ability to set proper boundaries both personally and professionally and have any sort of healthy gauge on how I was being treated, and how I was treating myself. For a long time I would constantly think that when things went wrong it was usually something I did that needed to be fixed.
I still can't always trust my instincts when I try to get in to a relationship, and am wary that I might put myself in to a situation that's unhealthy if I'm not very careful. But it's frustrating because it feels a little counter to the idea of wanting to be more open to people, and less isolated. So on the one hand I don't want to be hyper vigilant and push everyone away. On the other, I've got to keep track of how my boundary system still has lots of kinks to work out.

It's always such a relief to come back to this forum and see that I'm not the "only one" struggling with the same things.