How Do Others Piece Together The Jigsaw Of Trauma?

[ms spock]

We're only on session #3 and she asked me to list my "coping" and "self-soothing" skills. I immediately said "dissociation, compartmentalization, and avoidance." :) What?! They've worked well so far!!!

LOL!

 

[ms spock]

You know, it takes a really strong person to look at yourself like that and try to analyze the situation in order to better yourself. I don't think we should be hard on ourselves when it comes to not remembering things.

I remember - I feel for those that don't remember. I have a friend that doesn't remember. I see it like a special security valve and something that protects you - so you don't go completely mad.

And Emilie is spot on it does take a really strong person to look at yourself like that and try to analyse the situation in order to better yourself.

On the money!

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[ms spock]

To not be able to process trauma until I was safe enough after my alcoholic husband died is so sad. My father is still alive and I need to officially cut contact with him. A father and a husband were so abusive, yet to others they were charming.

The charming abuser - they all seem to get a way with so much with that charm!

 

[Emilie]

Ms spock,

Yeah. it's really frustrating that sometimes on top of the overflowing cup of stress we have with PTSD, that we struggle with memory issues.

I think sometimes it's better to let the water level go down a little before you put more in, or you risk overflow.

 

[ms spock]

Wise words Emilie! Wise Words Emilie!

I find that my short term memory can go when I am stressed. Though lately I am getting MUCH better. I am managing to have feelings and remember things which is a great movement forward for me.

ms spock

 

[purple butterfly]

I have just had an interesting experience. Went to Bali with my daughter for 10 days. My previous overseas holidays have been with my father, where in hindsight I was there to be his companion, do whatever he wanted to do on the trip, meet all of his emotional needs, listen to him rant and rave and panic when things went wrong, and be in captivity both emotionally, financially and physically.

On this trip for the first time that I can remember, or possibly forever: I didn't feel nauseous in the morning, my anxiety, hypervigilance and tingling were almost nil. I felt free, exhilerated and safe. Then the thought of coming home, bought all the symptoms crashing back. Home again and all my symptoms are back.

My T said it is good to have this as a baseline for what I am aiming to achieve. To help me feel safe I am going to put a lock on my bedroom door. At the moment one son is living with me and he has many of his father and grandfather's controlling, narsiccistic tendencies. He no longer drinks alcohol which has helped calm his behaviour, sees the same T as me, but he can be verbally and emotionally abusive. I have never set boundaries because mine have always been violated. I am not feeling safe in my own home, and although I need him to move out, he is finishing uni and like most students has no money.

My daughter was very caring on the holiday and initially I found my self getting upset, then I realised that was because I am not used to people being considerate and caring towards me!

The holiday has added another jigsaw piece to the puzzle. It gave me a glimpse of what it feels like to be emotionally well and safe, new experiences for me. It has also highlighted the damage that my father and husband have done and sadly my son has contributed to.

 

[Girl3]

Oh I am so happy for you - it is wonderful for these moments of clarity and wellness. My current husband is abusive - but not nearly like my previous ones. No beatings. Just emotional stuff. (Duh - like emotional stuff isn't bad.) It is so hard when you have no boundaries and are caught in this emotional deprivation/subjugation scheme.

As for your son - people generally find a way to survive when they are booted out the door. It is a big boundary for a mother to cross, but maybe one that needs to happen. If he is toxic, you need to filter him from your life. If he is a narcissistic person - you will not be able to change him. Unless he has one of your other children or a dear pet captive at gunpoint - it may be time for him to grow up all by his lonesome. You might have been his safety net - but he is not yours.

Accepting help from others - even our loved ones - is very difficult - especially if avoidance is a primary coping skill for your PTSD. Your daughter must be a truly wonderful child.

 

[Abelabelabel]

Good for you purple butterfly. Yes. Those moments of ACTUAL experiences of what it is like to be free from all of the complex emotional/physiological/chemical constraints that swish around most of the time is so nice.
I wish you luck in setting healthier boundaries with people, and cultivating more encouraging experiences that allow the "healing" to gain some momentum.

For me. I am re-entering the dating scene. This is pretty interesting, considering all the work I've done over the last couple of years in setting boundaries with people. It's not going too well, and I may have to break it off with her. 6 years ago, the idea of breaking up with someone who wasn't meeting my expectations would have scared the hell out of me, and I would have had an overwhelming sense of something to lose, as well a some sort of feeling of personal RESPONSIBILITY for why this person wasn't acting the part of a perfect girlfriend. I don't even think I had any sense of my expectations. . . it was all about what I wasn't doing right, or the incredible hurdles I hallucinated between me and being lovable. I would think that she's not doing x, y, or z, because of me. It's a shame that things aren't working out. But It's amazing that I have so much more energy dedicated to what my expectations and needs are in the present and that this actually seems like a good healthy option. It's nice to not be as bogged by a perceived need of constant reassurance and people to emotionally lean on. Don't get me wrong, I still freak out, have weird triggers, and have sort of messily groped my way back in to the dating scene to be sure . . . But, it's a learning process. And I can filter this person out of my life if I have to, and still be fine, and not wonder the big "what if", or what it was "I did" to make it not work.

 

[ms spock]

On this trip for the first time that I can remember, or possibly forever: I didn't feel nauseous in the morning, my anxiety, hypervigilance and tingling were almost nil. I felt free, exhilerated and safe.

That is an amazing experience! Wow! I am so pleased for you.
ms spock

 

[ms spock]

To help me feel safe I am going to put a lock on my bedroom door. At the moment one son is living with me and he has many of his father and grandfather's controlling, narsiccistic tendencies. He no longer drinks alcohol which has helped calm his behaviour, sees the same T as me, but he can be verbally and emotionally abusive. I have never set boundaries because mine have always been violated. I am not feeling safe in my own home, and although I need him to move out, he is finishing uni and like most students has no money.

Too bad! He has GOT to go! And maybe by hitting rock bottom or getting a job or staying with friends it might sink in that his behaviour is unacceptable.

Propping him up is not helping him.

It is also not okay that you don't feel safe in your own home from verbal and emotional abuse. NOT OK!

Make sure you have friends, back up when you ask him to leave or pack his stuff up and put it out the front.

If you can't do it. You can't do it. But if you can and you can get the support to do it then kick him out. It is time he learns that you can't treat people like that.

Take with a grain of salt unless useful.
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[ms spock]

My daughter was very caring on the holiday and initially I found my self getting upset, then I realised that was because I am not used to people being considerate and caring towards me!

That is so sad but also so good. So you need to practice with people being considerate and caring towards you! You deserve it!
ms spock

 

[ms spock]

It is so hard when you have no boundaries and are caught in this emotional deprivation/subjugation scheme.

Oh it is just awful! Icky! Revolting and soul sapping!
ms spock