How Do Others Piece Together The Jigsaw Of Trauma?

[doglover]

Abelabelabel, first off - your user name is fun to say! Thank you for that. :)

Next, I could have written what you just said about skewed judgment, wanting to take appropriate steps to reach your goals but worrying that you will get yourself into a harmful situation. I have lots of trouble with romance due to this. I don't want to be betrayed again but I have trouble feeling all-in when it comes to a consistent person since it's so foreign to my experience.

I think trauma screws up self-trust and it takes time to build it up again. I can be so impatient about that part. I try to remind myself that the trauma and my circumstances forced me to doubt my judgments and intuitions, to give myself a break when I get frozen about making choices. It's easier sometimes than others.

 

[PTSD sufferer]

I am wondering how others cope with not knowing the full extent of their childhood trauma. I didn't realise until recently I had any trauma associated with my childhood, I thought it was all related to my marriage.

The main way I seem to be able to gather information about emotional abuse from my father is mainly through my current reaction to him through body memories and flashbacks. The mere thought of him makes me extremely anxious, I can't listen to a phone message, talk to him on the phone let alone see him. I feel intense fear and that I will get into trouble for doing the wrong thing ( not seeing him). He is a narcissist.

I empathize with you butterfly. The same things happen to me when my father tries to contact me now. I accepted that that is who he is and decided that, for my own health, I will no longer have contact with him. He continued to send me emails and letters with formal photos of himself (always in his work uniform to show his status and position). Well, for a long time I just ignored his correspondence - reading but not responding to try to desensitize myself.

Then, I lost it a couple of months ago, when I went through a major 'trauma story episode'. So I sent him an email saying that if he contacted me again, in any form, I would seek legal advice. That did the trick!

Question for you. How do you know he is a narcissist? Is this your explanation of his behavior or has he been clinically diagnosed as having narcissistic psychopathic qualities?? No judging, just curious.

 

[purple butterfly]

My father has not had any diagnosis but after hours of discussions with my T he suggested that my father has many narcissitc traits.
It is good to know that others have the courage to break contact with family members who are perpetrators .I have not formally gone that far but do not see him and cannot talk to him even briefly on the phone.

 

[ms spock]

I feel intense fear and that I will get into trouble for doing the wrong thing ( not seeing him). He is a narcissist.

I hope you find a way to keep on not seeing him. I really do, but I know these things are not easy.

ms spock

 

[ms spock]

My mother finally got up the courage to tell me about it because I have been working with a therapist on my issues related to sexual abuse I suffered from a family friend. It's very helpful to know that I suffered this physical abuse because it makes my relationship with my father make a lot more sense.

That is amazing. My mother would never do any thing like that. I would have never have thought to make such a suggestion.

 

[ms spock]

When I have spoken to them about it they can see glimpses of what has happened to me but don't get it.

Also because the abuse has been so subtle from the perpective have others all can appear normal.

That verbal abuse is diabolical because of that! It is so seamless.
ms spock

 

[ms spock]

Talking to people from my childhood doesn't help because they'd rather believe that my family was okay and I am having false memories, or they don't want to get involved, or they weren't affected enough by an instance to remember it... or whatever. People aren't reliable.

There is always that as well. When you have younger siblings it is complex because they often didn't receive the type of abuse that you did.

 

[ms spock]

I had a lot of emotional and physical abuse when I was little. Years and years of it from 3 until 11 until I was removed from the situation by an aunt.

I am so glad that your aunt removed you from that abusive situation.

ms spock

 

[ms spock]

I have to suffer through being a bad representative for myself.

That is a great way of looking at it. I had never thought about it that way before!
ms spock

 

[ms spock]

That's a hugely tall order when my body has already squirted all the chemicals associated with the emotions in me.

On top of that I must not jump to the conclusion that all-my-hard-work-is-for-nothing when I feel awful, again.

It is full on that hyperalert response to cues of the past. When all that adrenalin is pumping it is so hard.

The not feeling all my hard work is for nothing when I feel awful again - there's a t-shirt in that - so you can look down and read the t-shirt when you need to - very well expressed. I can so relate.

ms spock

 

[ms spock]

It is good to know that others have the courage to break contact with family members who are perpetrators .I have not formally gone that far but do not see him and cannot talk to him even briefly on the phone.

I have no contact with any of my family now. Cutting off the perpetrators was a good thing to do for me.
ms spock

 

[ms spock]

Even I still fall for thinking like "If I just did such and such everything would be okay" "If so and so seems okay, then I should just suck it up and not worry about it." But it's never been that simple in my experience. But It still feels like such a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge obstacle.

The trap of falling in to if only I could... it would be okay is so seductive. It is easier to blame yourself than feel that helplessness.

I am finding it near impossible to keep out of that thinking at the moment.
ms spock