I had a lot of emotional and physical abuse when I was little. Years and years of it from 3 until 11 until I was removed from the situation by an aunt.
For me, lately, I feel sort of like I'm having to break myself apart and put myself back together again to move forward. I do not remember a lot of specific events because the abuse started super young and a lot of what I went through was also sort of played-out and re-associated with other people and things that were not rooted in the original trauma but were still pretty awful. So what seem to be pretty random associations (sometimes associated/triggered by any or all of the five senses) will leave me feeling an emotional pain in my bones. Like strings that go all-the-way-down are being plucked. A sort of white-hot-heartache. When I was younger, traumatic events were sort-of-played out with friends and significant romantic relationships. Things I always struggled with when I was younger and seemed to sit shotgun with my abuse. The abuse took a great toll on my ability to relate to other kids, and made friends and romantic relationships way complicated and difficult. (Who knows what the map of my emotions and memories really looks like).
What I know for sure is that I have extremely intense episodes of emotional distress that fool me, and often times, like emotions should leave me looking for reasons in the immediate to explain why I feel like I have this white-hot-heartache. My situation isn't perfect but things are fairly stable now. So sometimes I can after-the-fact separate the pain from the situation, and look for triggers. This pretty much sucks me dry, and makes me wonder if I can ever really trust my emotions, but I seem to be inching forward. literally inching.
Other times when I am in poopy state of mind and can't hide it or am having a rough episode when I need to be at work, or doing something that requires me to be firing on all cylinders, or am around a significant other, or just out with the friends--I have to suffer through being a bad representative for myself. I suddenly have one of my white-hot emotional outbursts, and basically try to swallow it. I try to avoid the urge to act out on it. I think what helps me most is trusting that my current situation does not match the white-hot emotion rooted in trauma, there is something peripheral that may be triggering it. (maybe picked up by sight, taste, sound, touch, smell who knows) What the heck else am I supposed to do in the MOMENT? In those situations I'm hit with sadness, projecting potential rejection on to everything within a five mile radius, I feel ashamed, I feel hopeless I cannot control my emotions in the present. . . I have to rely on willpower alone. I try to hide it as best I can, or not draw attention to or act out on it in the present and just "know" that I can make some sense of it after the fact. So in this altered state of white-hot-heartache I try to remind myself how much it DOESN'T fit the present. . . That's a hugely tall order when my body has already squirted all the chemicals associated with the emotions in me.
Disclaimer: I don't think this would be possible if I did not have some very worthy friends at hand. Also for me, this pretty much makes a long term close, romantic relationship very difficult. Doing all of this AND trying to impress a girl at the same time are impossible, probably.
This is a pretty imperfect system for me, or anyone! because I can sometimes watch it take a toll on relationships around me, and sometimes have to fight an urge to throw something away because someone or something "becomes" a trigger. I can trust my emotions one second, I have to! and at other times I have to make an executive decision to do-my-best to not over-associate my white-hot-emotional-outburst with the people and things around me. On top of that I must not jump to the conclusion that all-my-hard-work-is-for-nothing when I feel awful, again.
In other words, keeping it broken up in pieces, keeping it an unfinished jigsaw puzzle, cutting it down to size is the only way I can do it. How can I possibly put the pieces together when they absolutely do not always fit?
What really helps me, especially when I feel like I'm having an episode that makes me feel like a bad representative for myself, or feel like I can't deal with the emotional tailspins anymore are these:
1. Friends and family who will be my friends and family no matter who or what I am or do. And, who may not understand what all fo this is, but still genuinely stick by me. (Unfortunately, sometimes pickings are slim, and some friends and family DO NOT fit the bill as being a worthy support group) This helps the dead-end urges to act out when I'm feeling absolutely frustrated and tired of dealing with what seem to be the same hurdles over and over again.
2. Searching the web. When I have a bad day, sometimes knowing that I'm not alone is all I need to legitimize my struggle. I don't always want to call a friend in the middle of the night and say I'm tired of feeling like a bitter scared little boy one minute, and a normal 27 year old man the next.
There's no graceful way through this, which is fine by me. So much better than no way through it at all.
Hope this helps someone other than me.
