Experiences With Sociopaths

[Sethe]

Lizio:

He sounds like a narcissist and probably something else.

To reiterate a few people: Nobody deserves to be beaten- physically or emotionally. Period.

My ex did try to choke me one time and he blamed me for it. He said he'd never do it again and I don't remember him doing it, but the psychological torture was worse. He was/is a narcissist. Their goals, wants, needs ALWAYS override yours. You are ALWAYS second. There is a hierarchy. You are always on the BOTTOM.

Actually, I just read over the Hare list and he seems to be a sociopath. Interesting. He's solid for the 1-8 on Aggressive Narcissism and has over half the list on the Socially Deviant Lifestyle. I just don't know everything about his past.

I think my father may also be a sociopath (or something). He's definitely a narcissist- God = him. Volatile, destructive- just a rabid, swirling, volcanic mess of insane, dangerous, violent emotion. Now, he's a shell of a man and obsesses about his age.

I think if you've grown up with some kind of narcissistic/sociopathic family members, then it's likely you'll continue to have them in your life. It's a pattern.

I do like Sea's contribution. Sociopaths have no conscience. Narcissists do not either; however, I think sociopaths tend to be more violent. I think both categories view people as objects.

My 2 cents.

 

[Sethe]

Yes, my husband presents himself as the caretaker and the "you're not doing enough" - plenty of that. He always is doing more than me and does it better.

Lizio:

I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

He just thinks about himself all the time. He does not care about how it affects others, as long as he gets what he wants. He does not think about what affect he is having. He is always right. But he thinks he is doing for everyone's good. In his head he is the best person who knows better and who is looking after everyone. Does not care that they are telling him it is wrong, that is actually hurting them. In his eyes it is justified and everyone else is wrong. He is in control because he knows best. His ideas about how things work are over and above everyone else's. As long as he gets his way, everything has to work around what he wants. He cannot consider anything else. He just does not hear anything else apart from his own thoughts and opinions.

Sounds like my father.

He is controlling to the extreme, I had to either tell him Good-Bye, or call the cops. I said Good-Bye.

He was always putting me down. Always. Nothing I did was good enough, literally. The fact that I was his ex-wifes daughter was used against me all the time. It was a big problem with him because I was "just like her." Whenever I said something he didn't agree with, I was yelled at and told its "just my mother talking." During that time, he would become even more obsessive about everything I was doing, where I was at, who I was with. If he could not find me, he would call someone else to find me. If that didn't work he would bully the person for not knowing, then call me and leave awful voice messages and texts. I was at work most of these times!

Everything had to be controlled.

Everything twisted to met with him.

Everything when he wants it.

Abusive.

He gets easily jealous, and his family is always competing with each other.

Only problem with him was; I really am my mothers daughter. I am very independent, always will be. There hasent been a T session in months where my T has not said that I think for myself. Make choices myself.

He hates me for it.I kid you not.

Sorry, its a little unfinished. That was hard to write.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Only problem with him was; I really am my mothers daughter. I am very independent, always will be. There hasent been a T session in months where my T has not said that I think for myself. Make choices myself.

Sorry, its a little unfinished. That was hard to write.

Well done for writing that. I can see how hard that would be.

Keep your independence. I tried (I think), but I I let it go far too easily, and once it is lost, then you lose yourself.

 

[Queen Boudica]

My ex did try to choke me one time and he blamed me for it. He said he'd never do it again and I don't remember him doing it, but the psychological torture was worse. He was/is a narcissist. Their goals, wants, needs ALWAYS override yours. You are ALWAYS second. There is a hierarchy. You are always on the BOTTOM.
.

(((((((Sethe)))))))

Sorry you had to go through all that too.

Yes, I think the psychological torture, Gaslighting, so hard to explain it, cause he mixes me up and makes it like he is right. And it all sounds so trivial, when you explain one little incident (and especially when you doubt yourself, cause he makes it seem perfectly normal and reasonable, and even a good thing, he is looking after me). But it is when you add it all up.

Yes, definitely a pattern I need to be aware of, and not let myself fall for that behaviour. But how, they are so good at fooling you. (well me)

 

[doglover]

Lizio I recognize the pattern you described, especially in your last post. The key for me is to constantly remember that I have wants and needs, and my wants and needs matter. And healthy relationships are give and take where BOTH people give sometimes. And not just for the things that don't matter to them. Also for the things that do.

Another major point is decisions. Everyone affected deserves some input. I don't deserve to have things decided FOR me - least of all without my input.

If your soon-to-be-ex is more narcissistic than sociopathic then you might be able to use that to your advantage. He wants to seem perfect to society. So he's less likely to act violently. (Obviously you'd want to use whatever precautions feel best to you... I'm not an expert... and I've thankfully only been around narcissists and sociopaths who take things out on themselves or use non-physical methods to keep some control. You know your situation better than I do so take this point about appealing to interest in seeming perfect to others with a grain of salt please.)

I know narcissists behave better when they have lots of attention and when you placate them by acting like they are right about everything. The trick there, though, is to remember constantly that you are acting. But it's kind of a proactive thing... to head off any violence... to just give them praise, admiration, attention so they won't get upset. And then do whatever it is you really want to do.

This stuff is easier to do, I think, if you have reconnected to your individual self, your wants and needs, so it's easy to keep things straight in your head... And to remember that they have a warped view of reality. To remember that they can try hard to make you take it on but in the end you're in charge of how you see things and they can want to be doing right or try to think they are doing right but if it FEELS wrong to you - then it's wrong.

Don't listen to words. Watch actions. Makes it a little easier.

 

[Sethe]

Well, I think:

1. We're used to it. Somehow they convince us that they are justified in blaming us for their abusive behavior. Were we conditioned?

2. Awareness is the key. Being aware of what has happened to us and what is healthy for us can lead to a better life.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I know narcissists behave better when they have lots of attention and when you placate them by acting like they are right about everything. The trick there, though, is to remember constantly that you are acting. But it's kind of a proactive thing... to head off any violence... to just give them praise, admiration, attention so they won't get upset. And then do whatever it is you really want to do.

This stuff is easier to do, I think, if you have reconnected to your individual self, your wants and needs, so it's easy to keep things straight in your head... And to remember that they have a warped view of reality. To remember that they can try hard to make you take it on but in the end you're in charge of how you see things and they can want to be doing right or try to think they are doing right but if it FEELS wrong to you - then it's wrong.

Don't listen to words. Watch actions. Makes it a little easier.

Thanks Doglover, that is an awful lot of good advice. I think definitely he needs that attention and to be placated and made to feel how good he is. Massage his narcissism.

So difficult for me at the moment, as I feel so used. That I have been his object to make him feel so good about himself. Feel so disgusted by that. And, also, that I still fall for it.

Yes think it is very important to reconnect to my wants and needs. But so mixed up at the moment. Sometimes glimmers of clarity, then confused. Plus fear of how I am going to manage. Always fear now that I just can't do it. I will get it wrong. I am always wrong. That fear freezes me Nothing I do is right. I can just do the basics. Only good to be a housewife now and not a very good one at that. I know he is going to feed on that, that is what he has been doing. I give him that power. Sounds all very stupid. Need to pull myself out of that. I will, I hope.

 

[doglover]

I am glad there seems to be a positive purpose to my being raised by a Narcissist. Heh.

And yes I understand the anger at feeling used. So much frustration there - which is great! It means you ARE still in touch with what is right. Because that is not right.

Lizio you strike me as a bright lady who has all sorts of skills. If you're used to being a housewife then start there? Watch neighborhood kids while parents work, or clean houses, or organize people's stuff, or sell baked goods. You can do it. It takes tons of smarts to separate from the abuse only a narcissist can dole out. I believe in you!

How about you congratulate yourself for taking such a big, wonderful, noteworthy step toward doing what's right for YOU? :D

 

[Jacquie]

We arent useless. They CONVINCE us we're useless to make us stay. They make us too scared to leave. That way we continue to feed their pathos.

(ok now I am angry)

Re me being brave when I held up the iron? No Liz. I didnt feel brave at all. I didnt CARE any more! And it was because I didnt care, I was so calm.

When I am acting 'brave' is when I am most scared.

 

[James B.]

Ultimately, these people are sick, and i wonder how their guilt works on them? And just how miserable they (in actual truth) really are, becoming - time after time - for all legitimate concerns, a social pariah. Hated, and with many enemies. File these types under 'self-defeating'...

 

[James B.]

(Though some garden-variety sociopaths can function reasonably well in society, it is hard for them to hide their true destructive, abusive, volatile and sadistic personalities in the home environment).

it's my dad.