Telling Others About Your Past

[Sandra]

Feeling comfortable enough to talk to another person is such a key issue as well. Like some are just an acquaitence and some really are a true friend. With my close net friend, he is a very good listener. He works in an assisted living centre so he deals with having to listen to the eldery on a daily basis. So he deffinately learned how to deal with those issues over the years.

So yes the bottom line is...who do YOU feel like you can really talk about the deep details with.

 

[Sazza]

Trust is a big thing for me for most us i imagine, every time i tell people bits about any of my history of mental health prior to the PTSD i regret it. Not much else to say on the matter at the moment.

 

[Sandra]

I can relate to that Sazza. And who you do feel like telling might not understand the problem. And people that don't have the knowledge or have lived with that kind of experience will usually shy away from that issue.

 

[OKRADLAK]

I do not. It's no win.

To me it is so very emotional. And I find that most people either1) forget it or 2) use it to form a basis for reasons why they knew you were bizarre.

EIther way makes me feel sad.

I used to feel obligated so that they would know why I was the way I was.

Now I just let them wonder if they want.

 

[doglover]

I have gotten a fairly apathetic response from the few people I've told about things.

I am really glad your supervisor was so supportive and understanding, MD.

 

[Sandra]

It's no win.

And yes it deffinately can be a no win. Trying to find that right person to confide in isn't easy. And that person has to have a real true interest in you and what you have to say. And sadly those types are so few and far between.

 

[Deimos]

Here is my 2 cents on this. It's not worth much more that 2 cents because I'm still at the point I'm emotionally numb. I tell people on a need to know basis. Recently I had to explain it to my boss because it was affecting my performance. I said,"I was in a boarding school and bad stuff happened. It screwed with my head and I an getting help for that now. I have PTSD and through therapy I am becoming whole again. If I seem out of character at any point, its because I have a wound that didn't heal right. I'm now picking at the wound to heal it correctly but sometimes during this process it bleeds."

I still have issues with emotions and that makes it easier to tell people. I don't get all choked up. I'm sure in time as I heal that will change. Logically I don't expect many people to understand so I don't bother talking about it. The way I figure is my trauma was to much for my mind to comprehend (hence why I am here) so how could someone else understand it.

Once someone nagged me about it and I gave them a sarcastic response. I told them the basics but they wanted details. I said, "Ya know all those horrible things in movies that you assume can't happen or it couldn't happen to you? Well, I found out it happens."

 

[Sandra]

Everyone has to deal with it in their own way Deimos.

 

[Deimos]

Everyone has to deal with it in their own way Deimos.

When you say everyone I'm not sure if you mean on the giving or receiving end of the story. I was a bit rushed, I was posting on my phone while my 3yo was jumping on me because I just got home.

The few times I have told people that I consider close I do tell it with some emotion. I worry about how it will affect them. Depending on my relationship to the person I alter how I tell it. For instance, when I told my wife I didn't want her to feel she needed to walk on egg shells. I didn't want her to feel bad for me, I wanted her to better understand who I am.

Then there was my mother. That was a tough one because she put me in the place where the trauma took place. She had no clue what was going on and I know if she did, she would have saved me. I told her the basics and let her know I don't blame her. I told her enough to sense her discomfort then I stopped. I said, " if its ok with you, there are things I don't think you need to know. I feel its better that way because I worry about you blaming yourself and internalizing it." If she asks I will tell her but I hope she doesn't.

I was actually talking to a friend today about how everyone has a skeleton in a closet. While the skeletons are subjective to the morals and experiences of the individual as far as how bad it is. What I consider bad and what you consider bad may greatly differ. I jokingly told him that his wife seems like a goodie two shoes and her skeleton may be she stole a candybar. I think that if the guilt of your skeleton was your choice shame is warranted. Now in my case my skeleton was forced upon me. If anything someone else put that skeleton in my closet. The shame of it should not mine to bare. (this is logical but I have PTSD so I do have shame)

I don't think someone can hurt me because they know my past. It wasn't my choice and I realize the common fear is being seen as weak. I am a survivor, not a victim. If they think I'm weak for that.......they should walk a mile in my shoes.

 

[Sandra]

That goes both ways on this issue Deimos. How will the other person feel? And how will YOU feel after telling someone about the issues? And what the outcome was that one must deal with after disclosing that info.

 

[Deimos]

That goes both ways on this issue Deimos. How will the other person feel? And how will YOU feel after telling someone about the issues? And what the outcome was that one must deal with after disclosing that info.

Those are very good thing to keep in mind when approaching the subject with someone. In those three questions there are many variables to the outcome to both party's involved. From my own experience, I get anxious trying to play out the conversation and potential outcomes. I found that it was best for me to not worry about the wording but focus on the reason I am sharing my story.

 

[Sandra]

Absolutely Deimos. Balance is the key here. And yes it's just so complex.

But unfortunately we sometimes don't think that far ahead.