Feeling Unwanted And Unloved

[ms spock]

It could be that the need to be unwanted is a way of defending against the loss of our families and parents. If we let go of the need to be unwanted we are, at the deepest level, letting go of our families, in particular for me, that would be me letting go of my five siblings. I would have to grieve that. Sometimes it feels like I could never do that - that it would kill me being with that amount of emotional pain. So the need to be unwanted is a balm to a much deeper set of fears and emotionally painful experiences.

ms spock

 

[Sandra]

But you walked away with good reason Ms. Spock. It's called being treated with abuse and disrespect. As I did the same with my brother for the same reasons.

 

[ms spock]

I feel so much comfort that there are people here who understand and relate to this.

It means that I feel like I actually exist.

Margaret Atwood writes about how if art and popular culture don't reflect back to people their lives and lived experience that they become partially divorced from reality. I have found this to be true for myself.

ms spock

 

[ms spock]

Abandonment is so damaging. The fear of it happening again is scary beyond belief. I know that when people start getting close I get scared and sabotage the relationship. How screwy is that. If the don't leave I chase them away. This is a huge issue for me. Not so sure I will ever beat the trigger of abandonment.

I am so over doing this to myself!

 

[Sterre]

It could be that the need to be unwanted is a way of defending against the loss of our families and parents. If we let go of the need to be unwanted we are, at the deepest level, letting go of our families, in particular for me, that would be me letting go of my five siblings. I would have to grieve that. Sometimes it feels like I could never do that - that it would kill me being with that amount of emotional pain. So the need to be unwanted is a balm to a much deeper set of fears and emotionally painful experiences.

ms spock

I think abuot it in the same way as you wrote down here ms spock!
Thank you for writing this down!

edit: do you know what the name if that experiment with the labradors was?
I'm interessted in reading more about it.

 

[ms spock]

I can't remember I did try to google it and haven't found it yet.

I did find these experiments which are interesting for those of us abused as children.

The Stanford Prison Experiment

Stanley Milgram and Obedience

The Asch Experiment


These are interesting as it shows what conformists humans are in some ways.
It kind of answers the question "How could parents..?"

 

[atl22]

I first became convinced that my parents did not love me when I was 7 years old. In fact, I became convinced that they were trying to get me killed because they wanted me dead but they didn't have the guts to just kill me. This turned me into an angry little rebel machine that did whatever the hell he wanted whenever the hell he wanted without fear of punishment. I just didn't care.

More importantly, I became a SURVIVOR out of pure spite. Spite. That's it. That's all that kept me alive. I became determined to live and overcome anything that came my way because I didn't want my parents to win. I developed a mantra that kept me alive: "I am not going to die here." In my most terrifying moments, when death came for me, when I was within moments of being killed, I made it. I overcame. I dug down deep and found the strength to survive.

I put my future in the front of my mind and did everything I could to ensure that I was going to make it out of poverty and despair. I became ambitious and determined but I also became incredibly stubborn to the point, sometimes, of causing more damage to myself but I just never gave in. I'd rather take a beating than give in. And all of this came from the realization that my parents wanted me dead.

 

[Sandra]

Hugs for AtI22.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Eek!

"1. Lack of trust in other people. Sometimes this distrust can resemble paranoia.

2. Chronic feelings and thoughts of guilt about anything and everything that happens to them and to others.

3. A tendency to choose partners who continue the abusive behaviors they experienced during their childhood. Some of these people do become abusive but, most often they continue to re-experience abuse in their lives.

4. A fear that underneath, they are just like the abusive parent and that, therefore, they are inherently evil or are a "bad seed."

5. These feelings and thoughts are tenacious and are resistant to anyone giving this person any kind of compliment.

6. Even when these patients learn that they were abused at the hands of one or both parents, there is a continued tendency to explain away parental abusive as having been deserved."

Source: [DLMURL]http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=28473&cn=41[/DLMURL]

Me!

 

[ms spock]

Being rejected or abandonned now as a mature woman, warps me directly back to the little devastated girl I once was.

It's scary to experience that all over again.

I think going back and learning to comfort that little devastated girl is probably one of the keys to getting freedom from this stuff.

Or sitting with the feelings and being with them until the waft off - defending against feeling the feelings is a big thing to be doing continually. As a child that was a very smart way of surviving the situation. Now as an adult feeling that pain will hurt so much but it won't kill me (even though it feels like it.)

ms spock

 

[ms spock]

And all of this came from the realization that my parents wanted me dead.

That is hard to live with and hard to find a space to live within without your parents being there - our parents become internalised. That is the thing to work out now.

How do we remove the scripts that they have etched on our bones?

ms spock

 

[ms spock]

Dissociative disorders in which the survivor of child abuse goes into a "fugue" state in which they are unaware of what they are doing or where they have been. It is a defense against stress which, when it happens, brings the person back to the original childhood trauma. [DLMURL]http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=28473&cn=41[/DLMURL]

I so relate to this!