My Father Says He "needs My Help"....

[kimberley dawn]

So I just donno what to do!!!

First, important: He's never done me no harm. Fysicaly. We left him when I was 4, my mum was tired of being his punching bag. When we came back to norway 5 years later, he couldn't be bothered. Kids, who needs them.

He's just a selfish bastard, that's all. We weren't to call him pappa when there were women around. Didn't want them knowing about us! Never invited us to his place, though we came. Searching for some recognition that never came.

When beeten beyond recognition, raped or humiliated in any way, he was never in my thoughts.

He moved to were we live about 11 years ago. He was then 72. Calls us the most anti-social people on the planet. Hard, cold whatever. Bunch of scumbags. Loosers.

He rents an appartment but wants another one from the county. One close to shops etc. Not many of those. He can drive his car and whatnot, and old disabled people don't even get help.

He says its my responsebility to help my father. That's what triggered me last time, my mum and her altzheimers. having to assist HER!

what the f**k do I do?

 

[shadowchaser]

Best you can do is understand that you can't help everyone. With some people there is the overwhelming need to help. If I help someone else it will make up for me not getting the help I needed when I was younger. But don't do more than you can handle. Pulling yourself thin won't help you just harm you. If you need to tell him this. If he doesn't understand there is nothing you can do about it. He will believe and understand what he wants. You have to keep an eye on your own mental and physical health. With PTSD you have to be even more careful about this.

 

[Zipperhead]

I would say you should remember he's your father, and then decide if you feel you owe him anything. From your description, I'd say not. So next time he's feeling you should help him, let him know what you needed when you were little, and what he gave you. You never know, it might just start a conversation toward healing for both of you. Or it might answer your question about whether you owe him anything.

 

[atl22]

I can truly relate to this. Your father sounds like my father. He is a violent alcoholic that beat my mother before she left him. We also were not allowed to call him 'Dad' in front of women, either. Even as a child, I felt guilty because I felt like I was complicit in the abuse of women since I did not warn them that he was a violent drunk. I can not tell you how many times he brought a new girlfriend home and said "Meet your new mom."

Is it a pattern for abusive fathers to forget everything they did when they get old and just pretend that they were the perfect father? Now that they look like a nice old grandpa, they use it as a cover to pretend that all the abuse never happened and that family obligations require us to care for them. What happened to the family obligation of a father not to abuse and neglect his children? Where did that go? Why do I have to obey tradition and he doesn't?

In my case, I feel absolutely no guilt for cutting my father off completely. Yes, he wants me to forget everything and pretend it didn't happen. Well, as a child, I wanted FOOD and I didn't want to get beaten or abandoned. So, the lesson here is: we don't always get what we want. I think that is a lesson that your father needs to learn. I honestly do not think you should feel obligated to do anything for him. Take care of yourself first. Your father will get by. It sounds like he has done a good job of putting himself first. Now it is your turn.

Just my two cents.

 

[BloomInWinter]

You owe him nothing. He's an adult and is where he is because of his own decisions.

Take care of you....and you deserve to live your life free of such manipulation.

 

[kimberley dawn]

Thanks all and I realy understand your points here. But it's another thing; I don't want to sit there in a year or so with a bad conscience.

Heck, I'll go by his place one of these days and ask him what exactly he wants me to do and why he can't do it himself. Then I'll start thinking if it's worth it or not to me. I KNOW he will pester my son and he thinks of him as this sweet gandpa-sorta-thing.

Yaks, he is disgusting

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((Kimberly)))))

Do what you are able to live with.

Users like him are especially damaging to their children because the create deep triggers of shame and guilt, and then push those buttons to their own benefit as they wish. Many never see nor escape this trap.

Do you ever receive love or support from him? If you choose to ignore his selfish demands, would he hit the guilt buttons in another anyway?

If you do choose to do it, know you are doing it of your free will because you are a good person. ...and that he is not 'making you' do this. Do just what YOU choose to, and no more.

This is the lifelong journey of adults children who were raised by such mentally Ill people. We all struggle with such ambivalent feelings. Society tells us we're supposed to....but then these people never seem to feel the same obligation towards us.

We're here for you no matter what you choose. Treat yourself kindly....

 

[kimberley dawn]

We're here for you no matter what you choose. Treat yourself kindly....

Well that's about the nicest words I've read!! tusen takk, as we say up here :)

Yes, I will do it for ME and I will NOT do anything he can do himself. I've told him before what he needs to do, so I'll see if he's done any of that. Doubt it, though.... Then I'll ask why I should be bothered if he's not.

Well, that's my plan anyway.....

I want to be an orphan in my next life!!! No kiddin!!!!

thanks again

 

[James B.]

Yes, I can really relate to this topic also.

You see, I failed to understand, that the person(s) who harmed me, were expressing a need. The need to harm someone. Then, decades later, it seems these same ones now need again. Expressing "need" to me, in a different manner.

They needed my presence to help complete the family picture as not having rotten or defective aspects. I refused. At this time so did my sister. This made surviving abusers (2 brothers) nervous, as their guilt made them paranoid about retaliation, should those they harmed find help and realize what had actually been done to them.

Back to the mentally ill parent:

Then, as a final bonus in healing, one gets to pass through the hideous grief of having had a parent so messed up, mentally ill. (Like mine.) Maybe these reflections get easier when the main abuser is dead, after they have actually died, and the dust has settled.

Maybe one can find the compassion to empathize with the abuser: it was clear mine suffered. One can also wish the abuser an eternity burning in hell...fair is fair. Then maybe pray for them a bit after they've burned a while...

 

[kimberley dawn]

Oh, James, I think you are so right! Their need sucks the blood outa us. But I also hope to stand there strong for once. Strong enough to say "do it yourself, it's not my problem". I need to be able to do that!

Those kind of "parents" never realy go away, I think.. We burried my mum, at last, this august, and I laughed and felt so relaxed all day. Her sister called me over at the funeral and said " even though she was the person she was, she must have done something right; All 5 of you are doing just great!"

Proves she saw all the time what was going on. And that she still doesn't see us. One, a childabuser - now workaholic, two is a foodoholic and just has to steal from those that care for her, three is messed up me, four hasn't said a true word all her life and is ME-ME-ME all the time, and five is a lonely alcoholic.

Yeah, she did a great job...

So I MUST have the strength to stand up to my father this once. Just have to. Then we can burry him too.

 

[ClairBear226]

Kimberley, I've got to agree. I happen to think that what you owe your parents later in life is directly proportional to what they gave you as a child when your were the one to need. If they were good people that cared for you and nurtured you and protected you, then absolutely, that's what you owe them back. If they made a concerted effort to impart pain into your life that you're spending the rest of your life to recover from, then you owe them absolutely nothing. You're not alone in that "nothing" camp. There are an awful lot of us, unfortunately. But as an adult, it's now your job to protect and nurture yourself - even if you had precious little example to learn from. That means doing in adulthood what your parents should have done for you in childhood. Protecting yourself.

 

[Srain]

You have every right to set boundaries however you need to that. I fell into "helping" my mother time and again because somehow she was able to tap into the child in me that always needed her acceptance over and over. Each time I did it ended with me getting my heart crushed with pattern of emotional abuse, even as an adult. It's been a hard lesson to learn as an adult that with some parents the need runs deeper to be accepted and love.

My father was buried with barely a notice but then I never needed his acceptance or love, I was never afraid of him, my mother, yes.

Just my experience. I can imagine you have gotten quite enough advice, as always, we are here to support you as Bloom said. You come and your recovery come first. Take good care.

Peace,
Rain